Sunday, December 19, 2010

my dream

Lily loves hugging people like that :-)

Last night, I had a dream. I dreamed about Lily. Lily was running towards me and called me ‘Abang’.

The doctors finally allowed us to visit her. I went there once. What I could do was not more than just standing there for a minute when my tears finally started to flow.

Second time, i just visited her for 10 seconds. That was only to send my grandma because she didn’t know where Lily’s room is. Third time was also to send my grandma. I’m sorry. I just cannot be there. I will cry. Because I always imagine her playing with me. So, I cannot see her with wires all over her body. Frankly speaking, she’s more than just a sister to me. She’s my friend. She’s a listener. She’s there whenever i need someone to be with me. At home, i never go out with my friends (this is true) because i usually go out with Lily even to watch movies or go for window shopping. Now, it has been 2 weeks i never go out from my house (except to go to the hospital). Am i a good brother if i don’t be beside my sister even when I can see her? I know i should have been beside her going through all this, but i can’t! i will cry.

I pretend that Lily is ok. I pretend that nothing has even happened. I pretend that Lily is here. I try to be happy by chatting with people, commenting on people’s photos and calling people. But, i finally realise that everything I have done for the past 2 weeks was not more than just trying to run away from the fact that I really miss Lily! everything is useless.

The doctors finally told us that they could not do anything. They wanted to do dialysis on her, but they just cannot see her suffer anymore. They wanted her to be happy. They just hoped that Lily can go through this. They cannot do anything anymore.

Lily, today abang made the cheese cake that you really like. Abang was happy doing it because Abang knew that someone would have craved for it. But when Abang put it on the table, Abang finally realised that Lily wasn’t there. Abang threw that cheese cake because no one ate it. Abang forgot that you are in the hospital, fighting for your life. How could Abang be like this? Sorry Lily, Abang just forgot. Sorry Lily, Abang wasn’t (isn’t) a good brother after all.

When I was young, i always pray to God. I always pray that God will change my place with her (like in the movie when you exchanged your body with someone). I always want to see her to get better. But i know, it was only a dream. Not more than that. I just need to live in the real world. I missed the moment when we watched movies together, i missed the moment when she played with my nose, i missed the moment of hugging her, i missed her kissing my cheek, i missed the moment when she wanted to make a drink for my parents and i would always put her on the chair and taught her how to make drinks, i missed all the moments with her. I don’t have any regret at all for now because I think I have used every moment that we have together, but i still cannot let her go.

A few days ago, i asked the doctors whether is it possible or not to do the kidney transplant on her because I wanted to donate my kidney to her. I could still survive with one kidney. The doctors say with her condition like this, it’s almost impossible to do the transplant. Even the best doctor in the world would not do it on her. I understand that. I know the time is very near. I know Lily will leave me very soon. I know that my strength and my love will be gone very soon. I know that. But I just cannot accept it.

But Lily, God knows what is good for you. If leaving me is the best way for you, I will accept it. Abang pasrah. Abang tak boleh lihat Lily terseksa lagi



Sunday, December 12, 2010

my angel :-)

Haha. this year, my family is blessed with lots of rezeki. Mom got a promotion and has been transferred to Jabatan Pelajaran and dad got a few bonuses. My eldest sister finally has done her practical in the hospital. I, on the other hand, managed to get an offer from St Andrews without interview (which is something rare for medics..hehehe) This year, I supposed to have lots of vacations with my family because after this, things won’t be the same for us. Here is the list of my initial plans for this holiday:

1) Trying to get my homework and studying settled in 2 weeks (in progress)

2) Going for a family vacation to Philippines (failed because Lily is in ICU)

3) Going for a cruise with my sister and our cousin because my cousin has got 3 free tickets (failed because Lily is in ICU)

4) Spending time with Lily (in progress)

5) Trying to know and understand my list of medical issues (in progress)

6) Trying to be my sister’s wedding planner (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. The whole family puts this aside first)

7) Helping my sister with her hantaran for the engagement (done)

8) Planning to go to Langkawi or Karambunai with my friends (failed)

9) Trying to bring Lily to the cinema at least 5 times (failed because Lily is in ICU)

10) Spending lots of time with my eldest sister (in progress)

11) Planning to go to Penang and Batu Feringhi with my eldest sister for the Sg Nibong Pesta: only two of us :-) (failed because Lily is in ICU)

12) Helping my mom to be the interior designer for my sister’s new bedroom (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. My mom will ask her niece to do this for her because my mom is definitely not going to do anything for now)

13) Trying to save up my money for my ‘plan’ with my grandma (in progress)

14) Watching horror movies with Lily (done and finally ended up screaming with her even though she did not understand any single thing :-) )

But the best part of all, I managed to bring her for a shopping *wink* *wink*. And we also managed to do hantaran for our eldest sister

** Ya Allah, I really miss Lily right now. Because before this, if she’s in ICU, I will have the chance to visit her. But, she’s in pediatrics intensive care unit (P ICU) which means, only parents are allowed to visit her. The feeling I’m having right now cannot be expressed in words. It has been a week she’s there, fighting for her life. I miss her smiles, laughs (we have 3 categories of laughing: gelak kaya, gelak miskin, gelak kedekut) and I miss her playing with my nose and ears while I’m sleeping. I miss all her ‘sexy’ dresses and skirts. I miss eating Gani Char koey teow with her. I miss going out at night with her just to buy burgers. I miss bringing her around just to have fresh air. I miss to have a meaningful life back with her and finally i miss seeing her beside me every time after I pray. Whenever she sees someone praying, she will be there just to ask that person praying for her so that she can have a normal life for the first time in her life. Only with Lily, I can be myself, having a meaningful conversation (she’s a good listener even though she cannot talk or walk until now), and only with her, I can have very sincere and honest laughs and smiles (because Lily never have any revenge or dissatisfaction) and only with her beside us, my family will be happy. I never look ‘fake’ in front of her and i feel very empty everytime she’s beside me because all of my problems have gone away. Lily will always smile whenever i speak to her (because that is the only thing she knows how to do) and she will keep on smiling and laughing even when she’s in pain. Every night, I cannot sleep because I will always wake up as I keep on hearing her voice. She is the reason why I always go back to my house every time I have the chance because when the time comes, i do not want to regret not spending ample time with her. Please hold on Lily :-)

Lily and her collection of teddy bears - she has nearly 50 teddy bears. haha. and all of them are still in good conditions

the hantaran that we made together for my sister's engagement - this is what we managed to do before she was admitted to PICU. i think she just holds on for this moment but during the engagement, she didnt look as excited as usual
enjoying the first pancake i made on my own *wink* *wink*
during her 10th birthday at my grandma's house
during the family vacation
Lily just loves pink stuff

doing some weird stuff

this was taken somewhere in Indonesia

this was taken last year (I was wearing the same shirt like the above picture :-p)
Lily just loves posing in front of camera.

on the way to ______ (just forgot..haha... but this was like 2 years ago)
hahaha... some weird pose
this is our 'whateva pose'
with my angel teaching me to do the 'mulut itik'
the 4 stooges :-p (Look at lily. this is her 'Oh My God! It's camera again' pose)
during raya (Lily with her 'do i care about you?' pose)
my first photo using my camera and she's my first model (with her uncut hair that she wanted to keep as she didn't want my grandma to cut it)
hahaha.. my top model posing with my phone :-)
her 12th birthday with my brother...
this is why I cannot see her suffering - she has been fighting for 14 years and this is something easy for her (i hope so) :-) - this photo was taken by my dad even though it was illegal. this is also the reason why you always look me happy because i have to hide my sadness or otherwise, I cannot do anything thinking of her.
this is 'gelak kaya' (opening your mouth very wide and just laugh while showing your sandals to everyone.. hahaha)
look.. she never stop smiling (this is her 'come on. just take my picture' pose)
her smile is my medicine - a very sincere one :-)
this is the reason why we really miss her (she just loves playing around :-) )
lily and her smile :-) posing for my camera (this is her' i know i'm cute. you dont have to say it' pose)
one, two, click! sisters posing for my camera

lily, can we take more photos??? Abang will always be here whenever you are ready

Friday, December 10, 2010

....and all i can do is to stay strong :-)

Haha.. it has been ages since the last time I posted something in this blog

My eldest sister got engaged last Saturday and I guess she’s more than ready to grow up and be an adult. Of course at first i went against the plan because she’s still studying (going to finish her practical at the hospital this december). But she knows what is good for her.

Her fiancé is a good guy and I must admit it. My sister gave him a few conditions if he really wants her and he agreed to all the conditions. And most of the conditions i must admit sound very easy to follow but when the time comes, only people who face them will know how hard they are. I recalled one of the conditions: to take good care of our younger sister and let’s say one day they have to take care of her, will he be okay with that. He says he has no problem with that because my ‘angel’ is like pembawa rezeki to all of us.

Lily is in ICU (again). It happened last Thursday after she was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday. She was in the hospital since Monday for the monthly blood transfusion and we planned to bring her for a vacation on Sunday. But, the plan didnt go as planned because she was admitted to ICU on the next day after she was discharged. She was sleeping in the room when suddenly she vomited. i was there, helping to clean up everything on the bed. I then took her to the toilet and my grandma gave her a shower. Meanwhile, i was downstairs to take her clothes and switched off the air-cond. She suddenly fell while sitting and my grandma thought it was due to the coldness because she was shivering while taking the shower. I then helped her to wear a nappy when she started to tremble differently and i know it wasn’t due to the coldness anymore. It was because of the brain problem that she is having due to the kidney failure. I directly called my dad and my mom, took her bag together with the documents and put her in the car. I then drove to the emergency department and my parents were there after a while.

It has been something normal to see her in ICU because this is the fifth time she’s in ICU. Im very strong to face this (and will always be).

She’s happy right now and even in ICU, she can still laugh with the nurses.

How do you feel when you saw her laughing and smile and after 10 minutes, all you know she’s in ICU fighting for her life and after 1 hour in ICU, she started to laugh and smile again.

Even the guards and the doctors there already know us. Even with all the sufferings she’s facing right now, you will always find a smile on her face (something that i will always miss). She’s happy right now and this is the reason why the doctor there did not want to do a dialysis on her even her kidney started to fail. The doctor said that not all treatments are suitable for her and she’s happy the way she is. So, the doctor didn’t want to take it from her by having to do dialysis thrice every week. But of course, she has a very long list of medication.

That’s all from me and of course my parents right now are very worried about her and I, on the other hand, need to look and stay strong for my parents and my grandma. My eldest sister and i know whenever Lily is in ICU, we need to look strong because we cannot see our parents and grandma crying anymore :-). And i also know Lily doesn’t want to see them crying (the reason why she will cry whenever she sees one of my family members is not feeling very well :-) )

If you find me writing too much about my sister, then I want to apologise because i really love her and most of what I have done so far is because of her. :-)

Monday, November 8, 2010

..the weekend..

Sometimes.... things just dont turn out the way we want them to be...

My friend, Syazwan passed away on Thursday... Syazwan was a nice guy (and will always be).. He will always be remembered as a type of guy who will always smile to you. He will always be remembered as an easy going guy. And my conversation with him on Friday last 2 weeks would always be a meaningful one.

Lily is in ICU again. Time is getting shorter for me to be with her. It was during my family vacation when she suddenly became unconscious. Parents took her to Cameron Highlands Hospital and the hospital decided to send her to Alor Setar Hospital as her data is there. This is the fifth time she’s in ICU. But this one would be different. Before we went to Cameron, my parents already told me to use this time wisely. Time is getting shorter and the doctors say that they couldnt do anything much. She slept with me during the night when she became unconscious. She was unconscious in my hug. I hugged her during that time, feeling reluctant to let her go. We all went back to Alor Setar on Saturday. Parents asked me to go back to my college because even when I was there, i could do nothing much. I took the 11.45 pm bus to tg malim.

I know she will leave me soon, and Im prepared for that moment to happen. If God loves her more, I am willing to let her go. I really love her. She’s everything to me. I still recalled the moment when she was born 14 years ago. My mom said that my sister is special. When she was born, my mom got a promotion to be the head of account department in the Ministry of Education. She was the size of my palm when i first saw her in the hospital. I could only look her from a distant because i was totally afraid to touch her. During that time, i was afraid if i touched her, it would harm her. But mom gave her to me. And i never felt as happy as hugging her, carrying her to everywhere around the hospital. And everytime i came back from the school, i always asked my dad to bring me to the hospital just to look at her.

And like any brother, i really want hear her calling me for the first time. I really want to see her walking, like normal children. But i know, that is almost impossible and for that reason, i never lose my faith in the power of medicine.

Lily is still in ICU by the time I wrote this. Please pray, hoping that she will get better soon. I know she will be fine because she has a very strong will. She has been fighting this disease for 14 years and i know she will definitely win the battle this time around.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Sometimes in life, we need constant reminder, the purpose of what we are doing.

Today, there was marathon during the Health Awareness Week in my college. It was a fine morning as usual when everyone woke up to participate in the marathon. I wasn’t around as I had to go back home because I had to see my grandma and my sister for a while. Both of them were admitted to ICU last week. But, they are getting better right now.

I guess it was 11 am when I saw a few facebook status about my friend, Syazwan. I always teased him around because he’s quite nice. I never expected to receive news about him just now. When I saw the facebook status, I directly called Alifah to ask about him.

During the marathon (and from what I heard, 300 meters before the finishing line), Syazwan collapsed. People thought it was a normal collapse due to tiredness. But, when he was sent to the hospital, the doctor put him under ICU because he suffered from epilepsy or stroke (wasn’t so sure which one). He’s very critical right now. He’s in ICU and my friends told me that his chance was 60-40. All the organs have stopped functioning and he’s currently depending on the life support machine.

I didn’t know that the person who had a friendly conversation with me on Friday before that, will be in ICU today. I was shocked to hear that news as for me; he’s such a nice guy.

But that’s life. Sometimes, we tend to forget that anything can happen to us. If today we are healthy and can even say something bad about people, tomorrow or 1 hour after this, we may not see our loved ones (this is my fear now). Only when something like this happened, we will realise about it. When receiving the news, I feel like I have been slapped on my cheek. The news was sudden for me. It becomes a reminder for me, the purpose of everything I do in life. And I believe everything I do right now is for a just and fair cause that I really want to benefit people because I believe in the rewards given by HIM.

While doing some shopping in Giant yesterday, I saw a bunch of stray cats around. They did follow me because I guessed they were quite hungry. I bought a kilogram of fish and gave it to the cats. While giving food to the cats, I saw a dead cat from one corner. There was one cat trying to help him, without knowing that his friend has died. That’s life for me and that is how I see life. We always need someone to help us and we know whenever we make friends, they are not just there to have fun. But they are our strength and we know they will always stand beside us even though we can no longer feel the air. That is why, I really value friendship.

Two events happened to me during weekend. And these two things become my reminder not to forget HIM. Anything can happen and maybe this might be my last post (who knows). And I hope whatever I do right now (and I’m currently busy with Project HEART: Berbakti Dari Hati), will always be for my society, for a just and fair cause and not for popularity, for the rewards given by HIM. Insya-allah.

I hope Syazwan will be fine. Insya allah

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Blessing Ramadhan and Syawal

I wrote this post while I was on my way back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang.

Ramadhan and Syawal taught me many things which made me think more. I never feel as calm and happy as during these two months. My life in the college is back to normal. From my previous post, the headmaster has finally made a public apology during the students’ assembly. I wasn’t around during that time because I had a medical forum and I was presenting about Euthanasia. Many of my friends (I guess half of my batch mates) wanted to boycott the assembly but I said no as it was rather immature to do that. At the same time too, many people still put the blame on me because they still do not understand the real reason of what I did. For them, it was rather a stupid thing to do. I didn’t blame them for this as it took more than just matured thinking to understand the complexity of this situation. Let time change everything.

During Ramadhan too, I was appointed to be the new House Captain as the previous one has resigned due to a few problems not to be mentioned here. I dare to say that Apek, Durrah, Sara and I really had a great time working together even though we did agrue on a few things. With 3 people left, I still hope the same thing will be continued. At first I didn’t want to take it as I would rather focus on my studies. People said that this would be a good training ground for my leadership but I told them what I have gained so far was more than enough to prepare me for the future. I learnt a lot of things in MCKK, more than anyone else. It was there I stood alone during the lowest point of my life, and at the same time too, MCKK taught me not to enjoy too much whenever I am at the top as it is only temporary. But finally, I decided to be the Captain, not so much about wanting to be popular like anyone else or to make sure my name will be in the KYUEM Alumni book, but it was rather because of my ‘pity-ness’ looking at a few people in Garnet who are working very hard for things that they themselves don’t know what they are doing this. I do enjoy being in this house as everyone is happy working together. And I guess, being the Captain will eventually help me to understand and accept different types of people living in KYUEM :-). So, my vision for the house is not only to win the House Cup, but also to make sure everyone enjoys and learns more than just leadership. Hopefully they will learn to do what is right and not what is glamour. I’ve promised to myself that I will try my best to do what has been put on me very well.

So far, life in KYUEM is awesome despite so many things happening around me as here in KYUEM, I learnt to accept and respect people even if they hate you.

(enough with the seriousness)

Okay! I’m currently preparing for my UKCAT. I’m done with my personal statement and Sara is doing the final editing on it (hehehe. Thanks Sara). Ive decided to apply for all the Top 10 medical schools as given by my sponsor. Right now, I’m trying to read as much as possible about medical mysteries, politics and some social issues. Im currently trying my best to understand the Russian Revolution (walaupun sampai sekarang x faham sepatah haram pown :-p) from the book entitled ‘A people’s tragedy’ given by my cousin who is in London now.

This Raya too, I went back to my grandpa’s house. However, the house seemed a little bit gloomy without my beloved uncle there. He passed away a few months ago due to Leukemia. Mom seemed to be quite sad when we visited his grave as he was my mom’s closest brother. I went to Kuantan with my auntie and cousin. At first, we just wanted to visit my auntie there. But, the plan changed. Father and the rest went back to my grandpa’s house but me, sister and a few other relatives decided to spend time in Kuantan. I went to East Coast Mall (where my sister had a nightmare), watching late movie (Resident Evil – a must watch movie) and finally went to Teluk Chempedak. I had great time in teluk Chempedak, trying to get the lowest price for the lamps my auntie was trying to buy. The funny part was when we didn’t bring any single shirt there in Kuantan. We finally managed to get a few clothes at Padini and Brands Outlet. Thanks to my sis for the pizza. This is the good thing about my sister. Tak pernah lekok when it comes to treating me :-). Sayang kak!. Slept at my auntie’s house around 1 am

I did enjoy my Raya. I got the chance to meet everyone. I only cried when I drove my grandma to visit my relative in the hospital who’s suffering from cancer in pancreas.

That’s all from me. Love you.. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Semoga Kedua-dua bulan membawa berkat kepada semua.

Friday, August 27, 2010

the journey

When I first entered KYUEM, all I wanted was to concentrate on my studies and get decent results for my A-levels. Of course along the way, so many things happened. I’ve dropped my Cambridge application and at the same time too, I didn’t get the results I wanted for my AS.

My post this time is not about this because I want to keep it later. This post is to highlight what has happened for the past 2 weeks.

I was being raised in such an environment which emphasised more on the importance of doing what is right for me and also for others. In MCKK too, I learnt to fight till the end of it. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It is rather a bloody harsh thing and sometimes, we are just alone fighting for it. But, that’s the principle that you will understand once you are in MCKK especially in the debating team.

When I first went against the KYUEM’s policy of re-sitting, many people said I was being radical about this and they said it was a sheer waste of time. Even worse, some said fighting the college is useless because at the end of the day, I would still lose the battle.

Putting everything aside, I viewed this from a different angle. It wasn’t so much about wanting to re-sit in October. In fact, fighting for re-sitting was rather a stupid thing as it would not affect me so much. However, the whole idea was about showing to people especially the Students Council of KYUEM to fight for what is right and never afraid even if you need to stand alone. At the same time too, I wanted the college to hear the students’ voices so that they would not see students as their guinea pigs or puppets only.

Before everything started, I have personally talked to a few SC members. Yet, nothing was done. With only 5 people joining the ‘cluster’, I went meeting the headmaster asking for clarifications about the policy. During that meeting, he told us to discuss this with the heads of departments as the heads will then discuss with him.

I knew, fighting him was like fighting for a losing battle as someone like him would not listen to us at all. But, i still wanted to do it. I discussed this with the heads of departments and during that moment i already got support from Biology, Chemistry and Maths Department. But, when the issue was raised during the meeting with the headmaster, the headmaster still did not agree to change the policy. From that moment, I knew something drastic should be done to this person.

There was no point talking to anyone in KYUEM during that time as everyone decided to follow what has been set up by the headmaster. I then personally sent a few emails to the CEO of the college asking him to help and interfere in this issue. The response I received during that time wasn’t that good as he said he would leave everything to the college to decide.

With no prospect of everything to get better, I then met the Director Of Human Resource of my sponsor to discuss about this. The response I received was good as my director said he would discuss this directly with the college.

As the registration for the exam will be closed in 2 days, i knew I had to do something drastic with a huge impact. I then decided to do a petition for this. I was so thankful to God as many people signed the petition. I didn’t expect to receive such like that support. The petition was then sent to the headmaster.

The response from the headmaster was not very good. He said the idea of doing the petition was very pathetic and shouldn’t be done in the first place. He condemned the idea and decided to meet all of my batch mates to discuss about this (where the drama started to begin)

At the same time too, the CEO came to the college to look at this matter closely. I met him personally and told him about this. He said he would discuss this with the headmaster.

A day later, there was a notice from the headmaster to meet all of my batch mates. During the so called ‘meeting’, he clarified every single thing even though we already knew about that. He said the policy could not be changed no matter what happened.

After talking to us, he then walked out. I then raised my hands on the basis to clarify views on our side (the students). While standing alone, I talked to him that he should have asked student’s opinions before having this policy and he should also give students the choice whether to re-sit or not as most of the students are being sponsored. So, the requirements are different. Even the university requirements are different. Having a general policy like this would not benefit students. In fact, it worsens the situation. Thus, he should go on case-by-case basis. I was totally shocked during that moment because he cut me while i was speaking and asking me to sit down. He said this was not a public meeting (even though he was the one telling us that this would be a discussion about the policy). He also told us that he was not going to waste time discussing about this as he had other things to do.

Everyone was shocked because as the headmaster of a World-Class A-level College and an Oxbridge graduate, he should have at least, listened to what we were going to say. This is a democratic world where everyone has equal chance to speak. The headmaster should respect students and not treating us like nothing or just PUPPETS.

Even the deputy headmaster and our counselor were shocked. Everyone wasn’t satisfied with the way he reacted to me.

I knew this shouldn’t end like this. I then wrote a final email to the CEO telling him about this that it wasn’t the re-sitting policy that matters during that time but my biggest concern was more about the way the headmaster treated us .

I was shocked when I received a reply from the CEO. He said that after meeting me at the college, he then met the headmaster and from that discussion, the final say about the re-sit policy should come from the majority of students and sponsors.

This means that our meeting with the headmaster should be the time when we got to vote for this. However, something different happened during the meeting.

At the same time too, i received a response from my sponsor that they already talked to the headmaster. They said that if we could no longer study there, they allowed us to transfer college. They would no longer send scholars there. Parents to a few students also talked to the headmaster but he was still stubborn to change the policy.

I knew this would happen. He was such a dictator. But from what i heard, his contract will not be continued next year.

A few SC people met him and he told them he would make a public apology for the way he reacted in the hall. What attracted my intention was the fact that he said I could meet him if I wanted to (which I find it futile as the registration for the exam has been closed).

However, things did not stop there. During the HOD meeting, the headmaster told every teacher there that there was a student ‘arguing’ with him about the policy. I find it inappropriate to use the word ‘argue’ as it only gave a bad impression about me to the teachers. I didn’t argue with him because i was just about to ask him a few things. In fact, he was the one who didnt allow me to speak.

I knew it was pointless talking to him. During the English class, my teacher was trying to put the blame on me for the chaos I made to the college. But, I told her that what I did was the right thing. I told her that I didn’t fight for the policy so much for me to re-sit, but because i wanted the headmaster to understand that whenever he wanted to have a policy like this, he should ask the students first. This is a democratic place. So, students have the voice to say every single thing.

A few teachers knew about this. They supported me and said i should continue. They believed what i did was the right thing to do as no one has ever done that including the students council. The teachers said that they have been fighting this for so long but no response was received. At least, by me doing this, the headmaster was freaking out a little bit and the CEO has listened to me (even though some students find it pointless as they would rather concentrate on their studies)

I was so glad as some people came and met me personally to say thank you for what I have done so far. It was more than enough to hear people saying that I did the right thing. I could not explain here the moment when I heard people saying thank you to me including the teachers. I am more than happy to help everyone there.

I believe this is not the end of it. But, i have no power in the college. I am not a SC member. This is the best i could do. I hope those who have power in the college will continue to fight for the rights and welfare of students and teachers. Stop calling yourselves fighters if you are only event planners. Dont blame people if they dont thank you for what you have done so far because people here are mature and smart enough to know whether what you have done so far are good enough or not to deserve their appreciation. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It was the hardest thing ever. But, people will thank you once they know you have done your best. You are credible enough if people acknowledge you but you are just not trying hard enough if there are still other ways to do it.

Final note on this:

- I should thank and give my credit to a few people who have been standing beside me fighting against this dictator. I know without them, i could do nothing. They knew that this thing is not famous and many people initially did not support it, but these people still continue fighting for what is right with me:

Afzyim@Judo = thank you for standing and helping me doing this. You never afraid to do what you think is right and you never fail to enlighten me with different ways of fighting

Zikri@Blonde = thank you for your support and courage of meeting the headmaster even though you know you will be scolded after that :-)

Sara = thanks for at least be my ‘backbone’ and continue giving me support even though you were the only one understand my ‘ideology’ of fighting the policy. You never fail to be a place where I can share every single thing.

Syakirah = thanks for not complaining about the hardship of this journey and doing everything possible

Alethea = thanks for your support especially when meeting the headmaster and also for influencing the teachers to believe in us

Naim = thanks for your concern and moral support about this. You are always a good listener to share every single thing.

Syahirah, Shu Yi = thanks for being the first to join my ‘cluster’

Although some didnt care for what we did, it’s more than enough to have all of you throughout this journey. Thank you :-)

Monday, August 16, 2010


Pada petang Jumaat yang hening selepas solat di surau As-Saad, penulis berhasrat untuk melawat rakan-rakannya di KL. Dengan menaiki bas Star Coach Tanjung Malim-K.L, penulis pun memulakan edisi lawatannya. Hasrat awal ingin pergi menaiki KTM. Namun begitu, disebabkan KTM mengambil masa yang lama, penulis pun membuat keputusan untuk menaiki bas. Lalu, setelah membeli tiket, penulis pun duduk disebelah seorang pak cik yang menakutkan ala-ala perogol bersiri. Nasib baik lah penulis dirahmati oleh Tuhan kerana bas itu penuh dengan manusia-manusia bermuka suci. Setelah 1 jam menaiki bas, penulis pun sampai di Central Market@Pasar Seni. Penulis terpaksa bergerak ke Bangsar menaiki LRT kerana ingin berjumpa dengan sahabatnya yang telah mempunya kareer di sebuah ‘legal firm’ di kawasan terbabit. Kawannya, Fendy (bukan nama sebenar) datang berjumpa dengan penulis setelah penulis menunggu 30 minit di situ menantikan sahabatnya itu habis kerja (biasa lar.. dah berkareer). Sahabatnya itu membawa penulis terbabit pergi ke bazaar Ramadhan yang berhampiran untuk membeli juadah berbuka puasa. Sewaktu membeli nasi kukus yang berharga RM 6.00, penulis terjumpa pelakon waktak utama Ju-On sewaktu Evening With Garnet. Kali ini, penulis tidak terkejut seperti sebelumnya. Penulis sempat menegurnya.

Perjalanan diteruskan dengan mengikut Fendy ke apartmentnya yang terletak di Pusat Bandar Damansara. Setelah berbuka puasa dan bergosip, Fendy mengajak penulis keluar untuk membeli kek bagi seorang lagi sahabat bernama Fido (bukan nama sebenar jugak). Dalam perjalanan ke Secret Recipe, penulis terserempak dengan seorang makhluk ciptaan Tuhan yang senyum kepadanya. Mulanya, penulis beranggapan bahawa lembaga itu adalah kawan Fendy, tiba-tiba “Eh. Azfar. What are you doing here?”. Rupanya, lembaga itu merupakan senior penulis di KYUEM yang bernama Azfar. Penulis meneruskan misi mencari kek Chocolate Strawberry dari Secret Recipe.

Setelah itu, penulis pergi bersembahyang terawih di surau berdekatan. Penulis agak terkejut kerana tidak memahami tasbih yang diguna pakai. Penulis berasa seperti berada di negara lain. Penulis menganggap itu perkara biasa. Edisi lawatan diteruskan dengan menanti 2 orang kawan di rumah fendy iaitu Fido dan Ben. Jam menunjukkan pukul 11. Tiba-tiba sahaja pintu bilik diketuk. Fido dan ben datang. Wah! Ben sudah berubah. Makin cun melecun. Hahaha. Kemudian ketiga-tiga sahabat itu mengajak penulis pergi menziarahi rakan-rakan lain di UIA dan UM. Namun begitu, kesemua mereka tidak berada di universiti masing-masing. Fido dan Ben berhasrat membawa penulis berjalan di Sri Hartamas dan sekitar KL sambil bergosip. Acara diteruskan dengan supper di Pelita sambil mengutuk Datuk Fadilah Come To Me dan Cheff Two.

Setelah jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi, Fido dan Ben menghantar penulis bersama fendy ke apartment Fendy. Akibat keletihan yang melampau, fendy dan penulis tidur nyenyak hingga sahur. Penulis dan fendy hanya bersahurkan roti butterscotch dan soya bean. Setelah solat subuh, Haqqa telah menjemput penulis dan Fendy untuk menghadiri satu seminar di MBSA di Shah Alam. Setelah hampir 30 minit, penulis pown sampai di situ.

Yang lain tidak dapat diceritakan kerana sangat banyak yang terjadi.. tak larat nak menaip.. Sorie...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Of Being Judgmental

We live in a world full of judgmental people. Whether we like it or not, that’s the reality of life. Sometimes, we are too quick to judge people; maybe based on what others say or just rumours. Sometimes, you just need to bear with these people. Life indeed will be dull if we don’t have these people. People are just getting more judgmental. You just need to tolerate with them.

We can easily criticise others without looking at it seriously. We can easily blame others without even reflecting ourselves

Teachers blame students for their poor academic performances without asking the fundamental cause of the problems.

Bosses blame workers without thinking that they bring influences to the work places.

We blame the environment we live in for our attitude without having self-reflection.

But, the reality is, we cannot judge people before we know them very well nor blame others for our own mistakes. I guess, that’s why people say don’t judge a book by its cover.

What you need to do every time you do any mistake, just take it and don’t repeat the same thing.

Experience is a good teacher. :-)

***Mr Amran said my p.s. is not touching enough. I should edit it more.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Short Story

I wrote this story just to brush up my wiriting skills :-)

I was looking at a photo album that stored a thousand vivid memories in it; some were bad but most were pleasurable memories. Looking at one particular photograph, I recalled an incident that completely ruined my life as a result of my bad behaviour at that time.

It all happened five years ago when I was still a residential school student. As usual, everyone was on cloud nine and our hearts exploded with joy when the school holidays came. I was one of them. I went back to my house in Cameron Highlands. It was the ultimate Tudor-style country house with latticed windows and wooden beams. The bungalow had an aesthetic style and emphasised high standards of craftsmanship. The wide cemented porches that lay flat on the surface and a beautifully lush landscaped garden with delicate pale-gold and purple flowers were a sight for sore eyes.

Upon arriving there, I saw my brother, Ameer. He was a man of boundless energy and single-minded drive. He was in his early twenties and he had been on his own since my parents passed away six years ago in a car crash.

“You said you would arrive earlier?” he asked, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Ameer. I missed the bus. So, I had to catch the second one,” I explained while shaking and kissing his muscular hands.

Beside my brother was my maid whom I called ‘bibik’, although she was not from Indonesia. She was a lady of average height and in her early forties. She had wrinkled skin, an aquiline nose and arched eyebrows. With jet-black and shoulder length hair, she looked exactly like me at first glance. She was a widow, I guess, as her husband was no where to be seen.

I really despised her. I still remember how she got me in trouble. She told my parents that I had smoked in the toilet. My parents hit the ceiling when they found out and they decided to send me far away to study in a residential school. Until now, I cannot forgive her. She is a thorn in my side. What I really hate about her is that she looked exactly like me. She was, on the other hand, the apple of my brother’s eyes.

Upon my arrival at the house, I ordered her to take my bag in.

It was a fine morning as usual. The sun was about to rise and the cheerful chirpings of a multitude of birds could be heard. The earth was alive with insects singing and rustling about in search of food. There was also the blare of music from the radio and the soothing sounds of leaves. As usual, I went to the dining room to take my breakfast without knowing it would be a tragic day for me.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrant smell of nasi lemak - rice cooked in coconut milk served with anchovies, chilli paste, boiled egg, fried peanuts, slices of cucumber and lettuce made my mouth water. I sat on a unique dining table reflecting great English style together with my brother. I enjoyed that exotic culinary delight. Out of the blue, I could see something juicy, green and fat crawling among the lettuce on my plate.

‘’Eek!” I screamed in fright, a tiny worm just peeked at me from the pieces of lettuce leaves on my fork.

My face swelled in anger and I blew my top. I was not aware that my brother’s eyes were on me.

“Bibik! Come here!” I screamed at the top of my voice. Reacting quickly, I immediately threw the lettuce on my plate and spat the remaining lettuce from my mouth. In my frantic rush to the wash basin, I knocked over a chair. I washed my mouth over and over again. Bibik quickly walked towards me then looked down at my plate. She was speechless for along time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see the worm,’’ she muttered a hurried apology then colour drained from her face.

“What? Don’t fool around with me!’’ I raised my voice while throwing a melamine plate at her. She fell. I kicked her side. I took a few more melamine plates and threw them at her until she was knocked unconscious. When I was just about to slap her left cheek, I saw a photo of her with a baby fall off from her pocket. The baby was me!

‘’Enough, Zulikhwan! Stop abusing her!’’ my brother shouted at me while trying to lend his maid a hand.

What is this?” I replied while taking the photo from her. I was red with anger and my face turned ashen. I was about to slap her when my brother uttered something unbelievable.

“She is your mother, Zulikhwan!” he explained to me.

“What?” I shouted in shock. Bibik? My mother? That’s ridiculous. She’s our maid!

I was dumbfounded when I heard the news. My brother explained to me that she decided to work in that mansion as she wanted to be with me. She had to sell me as she did not have enough money to take care of my needs and give me a proper education. My late parents told this to my brother. I was totally shocked. I ran and locked myself in the room for a few hours and refused to speak to anyone. Out of the blue, my brother knocked on the door of my room. He told me that my ‘mother’ was unconscious and was in hospital. He decided to bring me to the hospital.

A few hours later, the doctor came out and told me that my mother had a brain tumour. Her condition was very critical and she could die. My brother and I were totally shocked. We really did not know about this. She wanted to keep it a secret as she did not want us to worry. I cried and cried. I blamed myself for acting the way I did.

‘Mom! Please wake up. Don’t leave me alone. I need you. I really need your love. Please give me a second chance,” I cried beside the almost lifeless body of my mother. My brother tried to comfort me.

A few days later, the doctor could not do anything to my mother anymore. Her condition was very critical. At 5.30 pm on 1st August 1990, she passed away without ever regaining consciousness.

I was so pissed of with my brother for not telling me the truth. I quickly grabbed his car’s key and drove his BMW 5 Series. It was rainy. The boom of thunders could be heard while I was crying and sobbing in the car, thinking of my mistake towards my mother. I was totally miserable at that time. Suddenly, I could not control the car. A big lorry was in front of me. Crash! I hit the lorry! I was semi conscious. It was my punishment after hurting my mother like that. I was sent to the hospital and the doctor told me that I would not be able to walk anymore. I accepted my fate.

I regret what I did to my mother. I was so filled with remorse. She was the one who gave birth to me but yet, I never admitted that she was my mother. She gave me up because she wanted to give me a good education as she was poor. I looked into the album that she kept for 17 years. She did not want me to know about this as she wanted me to be happy. But now, she is no longer with me and I am totally miserable. Despite all that, with hope, I looked forward to another new day

Monday, June 28, 2010


Kadangkala, bila perasaan malas datang, facebook dah ditengok 24 jam ditambah dengan tak tahu nak buat apa, datanglah post yang tak bermotif macam nie:-)...

- walaupun perasaan malas datang, i will try to finish up my homework: Maths exercise, physics question papers, chemistry and biology notes

- half way dah for my ps

- im in dilemma.... I have 4 options for my university choices. what universities to choose: currently in consideration....... (nothing hehehehe)

- Good luck to fendy dalam membuat IC and bank card nyer yang telah dicuri.. Hehehe..

- Sudah menukar layout blog nie untuk kali keberapa ntah disebabkan mengambil nasihat sara yang suruh selalu sign in..Hehehehe

'Koleq' teachers

The news isn’t new for everyone. But, I just found out about it few days ago. My beloved MCKK ‘sensei’ was transferred to Clifford last April on the basis that she didn’t contribute anything to the school @ she wasn’t a superb teacher.

I might not know her very well. She only taught me English when I was in form 2. But one thing for sure, she never failed to ask anything about me everyday. She was very concerned, more than anyone else in MCKK especially about my debating career. She knew when I had problems and whenever she met me:

‘Zuli, senyum lah sikit. Nampak tua dah muka awak tu :-)’ – maybe that’s the reason why I look older than my friends of the same age

I still remember, whenever we (the debaters) finished our meeting quite late, we always called her to order some food. She never failed to disappoint us. And whenever I went back to MCKK (even after SPM), she always contacted me via sms or facebook. We sometimes never failed to chat, asking about everything. However, due to my very packed schedule, I haven’t had the chance to talk to her.

She may not be a ‘superb’ teacher like what the school told her, but she is always a GREAT AND EXTRAORDINARY teacher to me.

Sayonara Sensei Azizah Amin. Thanks for everything. NGA satu! :-)

Since last few years, many teachers decided to leave MCKK even though they really love the school. Some of them have spent most of their lives in MCKK (up to 20 years). But due to the improper management of the school (the principal to be exact) many great teachers left the school. But I know, deep inside their hearts, they want to go back to MCKK.

A few weeks ago, my father met Cg. Malik (who is currently in SBPI Kubang Pasu). He directly asked about me. I still remember when I was a Form 1, I cried because of homesick. My father met him to discuss about this. And the only thing he told my father was to just ignore me until a few months later; I managed to overcome the problem. He told my dad, if he is given the opportunity to be a teacher at MCKK back, he will not hesitate to take the offer.

Ust. Ishak was also the one of the teachers that faced the same problem. He was my warden when I was a Form 1. After more than 10 years serving for MCKK, he decided to leave MCKK. Tukar angin katanya’. A very lovely teacher. Always made jokes and always taught us to be independent.

During my time, there were a few teachers who never entered any class to teach (isn't that what a teacher should do?), but they are still there till now. they have not been transferred to other schools. Maybe because they are 'superb', or maybe because they know how to 'lick' (sounds fishy right) the principal.

Whatever it is i love you all!!!

'' maybe we should change the principal kowt:-)mesti MCKK akan top kembali''

** Sensei Azizah may have forgotten this. When I was a form 2, she told me one thing after her last English class with me in the Japanese Room : 'zulikhwan, I know you can be someone extraordinary out there. Never let anything distract you.'
I always remember her advice until now.......

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Nothing much...

Finally, I managed to write something for my blog. Nothing much to say. It has been a while since the last time I posted something here

- The english debate team made it to the semi final – but they lost (the curse which couldn’t be broken since 2004)

- Done with my AS exam which took place for almost 6 weeks!

- Done with our Ecotrip for Biology

- Currently busy with my university application i.e. personal statement workshop and Oxbridge tutorial.

- Done with 2nd semester. Can’t wait to get out of the college to start my degree :-) (insya allah)

- Managed to watch 6 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in just 2 months :-)

- Currently busy with my job attachment for the 4th time at the hospital

- Currently missing like hell my koleq friends (even though I always called fendy and fido)

- Trying to study during holidays

- Finished reading the Kite Runner and Anne Frank

- Planning to read 3 more books before the end of this holiday

- Currently a volunteer at a community centre for learning disabilities

- Planning to a member of Malaysian Red Crescent Society

Friday, April 30, 2010

This is just not me

Last month was very terrible to me.

Things didn’t go as planned. Done with trial. Result wasn’t satisfactory. A big exam is approaching in 1 week. Haven’t prepared anything. Lost my motivation for a while. This is just not my style.

Regret wasting time doing unnecessary things. Should do more things that benefit me. Just don’t know what to do now. Just pray to God. Hope everything will be fine

Many things happened. Better not to talk about them, Most of them were bad

This is just not me. I feel lost. I feel empty. I want everything to be back to normal.

I spend most of my time now remembering my friends in MCKK. Fendy, Rashad, Fido, Yuhaikal, Tapah… cannot get rid of this feeling. should spent more time with them last few days in MCKK..I wish you were here..I wish I could turn the clock back..

I dont want to be a mediocre.. i want to be the best.. But, I feel I am a mediocre right now

All I did last month was not more than just thinking of what will happen.

I feel so isolated.

This is just not me.

A miserable mind with my soul floating in the sky

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Miss sherry and Mus'ab

Mus'ab's birthday

Bm and Bi teams

Fido and Jae

Fido and Jae came to visit me all the way from Taylors a few weeks ago. I was performing my Friday payer when i received a message from Fido..

We are at Saad’s Mosque (KYUEM’s mosque)

OMG. I was so touched . Fido drove and spent his weekend together with Jae just to visit me. Amin and Sara were there too. Thank you

** Fido is one of the best friends I have back then in MCKK. I told him almost every single thing that has happened in my life until now. He's currently in Taylors, doing A-levels. Although we are quite far away from each other, we never fail to keep in touch. I'm so glad to have him in the first place


I also came back from PPM northern zone to watch koleq debating. From the last time I saw them debating, I could see lots of improvements. They have been working so hard. Mia has improved a lot! Both teams; BM and Bi made it to the finals. Including the cagers. BM won over STAR but BI lost to STAR. Whatever it is, there are still a few challenges ahead! Hope they will do much better in PPM National.

** I was at SMS Muhammad Jiwa with my sister, Mieza. While watching them in the bus after the final, I cried, remembering my old days debating with Fido, Rashad, Nub and Ed. Debating in MCKK was more than just debating. It was different. We were not just teammates. They were my shoulders to cry on. I miss my time sitting together with Fido, Ed and Nub on my bed every time after debate meeting. We were like a family. Oh, i wish I could turn the clock back!

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Bangsawan Story

Garnet managed to get 2 awards for best costume and best supporting actor. I played a role as the Sultan of that play. The story was brilliant with a twist at the end. Although I has been involved in theater since I was Form 1 with Dongeng Chengeng, it was different for this time around. I was the sultan, the cruel ruler of Inderapura who killed his own bendahara. I'm not going to tell you about the theater, but the inside story of Bangsawan.

I think bangsawan has lost its gist; the initial purpose of having it in the first place. An event that will bring bring everyone together; has turned to be a very stressful one, with eveyone wanted to win. I know winning was not wrong, but when your dream was so powerful, you would hurt people along the way. That didn't include those who did not satisfy with the result. they even wrote down lots of critics against the management team. So not professional. i told Puan Halijah

Puan Halijah, next time we want to have Bangsawan, you should invite other judges. If not, its better not to have Bangsawan.

A lot of efforts have been invested especially by the seniors which sometimes I think too much. their time to study was put aside. i hope they will do better. That is it for now. Overall, i love to be in Garnet because even though we lost, we were the winner in the eyes of the audience.

In life there are 2 types of winning. One is for the moment and another one is for forever.


With Pembesar and Dayang

the Sultan will be killed!

the red house of Garnet

the cruel sultan

Friday, February 5, 2010

Turning 19

I already turned 19 on 2nd February. It was indeed a great moment for me to celebrate my birthday in KYUEM. What a blast!
The day started when I received 2 phone calls from my beloved mom and sister. Thank you so much! I also received a few early smsses from my friends around 12 am.
Tan : happy birthday for tomorrow. beware of your door tonight . :-) (9.15 pm)
Edzra : Happy birthday. Moga hepi slalu...miss u
Firdaus kasman : Epi brtday abg zuli (:
Kuru : Hepy besday. sm0ge hepy selalu...fwenshp 4eva
Azman ; Eppi bday
Alifah : May all your wishes cme true, zulikhwan :-)
Eju : Hepi bday zuliks! May Allah bless u & may all ur wishes come true :-)
(all smses above were sent around 12.00 am).. I also received a message from Alifah's mom
Lots and lots more flooded into my inbox. thank you very much, my friends! Not forgetting , my MCKK friends!
I woke up happily. I received a few more wishes from my friends during classes. During my Mathematics class too, Alifah told Mr. Mahatzir about my birthday. So, all my classmates sang a song! Oh, I was so speechless! I could not say any single word. What a nice moment!
Then, around 1.00 pm, i walked to the dining hall for lu nch. Blonde started to tell everyone about my birthday. everyone sang the song in the dining hall. ouh :-)
I was quite surprised to see Gadget and Imran started to paste a few posters. My birthday posters! Haha... I still could not believe that they spent nearly RM 10 just to print the posters
The day went on smoothly until i received a 'warning' message from Jannah
Zuli! ak nk jmpe ko kt kafe pukul 6.30 ptg! wajib dtg!
i was quite worried if i did any mistake to her. i went to the cafe together with judo
Zuli! Aku cakap 6.30 Apasal ngko datang lambat
As I entered the cafe......
happy birthday to you, Zuli!!
A surprise party! OMG, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!!!
Jannah made an effort to organise a surprise party for me together with Alifah, Qili, Azman, Harinn and Amin. We ate and enjoyed the night. I really, really had a whale of a time!
After Bangsawan training, I went back to my chalet around 11.30 pm. Feeling tired, I locked the door of my chalet and switched off the light. i did not want to be bashed! i managed to hide using the same trick a day before. But that night, I could not escape. Judo came to see me . After having a long chat with him, he asked me to follow him just for a while. As I opened my chalet's door, Judo pushed me away and Din, Amin Asmuin, Chaq, Shuk bashed me with water! Argh!
i ran away around the corridor, from kampong topaz all the way to kampong diamond. I could not escape anymore. They chased after me. i could not do anything! Hahaha.
After bashing me, they had another surprise party for me. Ouh! I felt so touched. We ate together
2 days later, I went to bangsawan training. i waited almost 2 hours but, there was no training. I told Dila that I wanted to go back but she insisted me to stay there because the training would start very soon. Luqman came to see me and told me that Azriff wanted to interview me for his assignment. So, i went to the room and Azriff started the interview together with Jocelyn and K-Na. Suddenly, there was a blackout. i was in panic.
Happy birthday to you , Zully!
OMG! I just did not expect it! My pet family arranged another surprise party for me. Ouwh! i just cried as i did not expect that they would celebrate my birthday like this.
Dear friends,
Thank you for giving a wonderful surprise to me! I really had a great time during my birthday. Thank you too for all the gifts you gave to me. but, the most wonderful gift comes from a sincere heart. Thank you.

Mira, and Amy during bangsawan training

Amy said : Zuli! please la photogenic sikit wehh ;D hahaar


Gifts from friends


Wish from P-21

So sweet

Ye lah tu

Birthday bash!

mira said : zuli lg sopan dr aku.down:(

Poster by gadget and imran

Jannah did this! Ouwh

harinn, jannah, amin, azman, alifah, qili and jannah