Many people ask me why I was/am so nice to Apple. Yes I admit, i spend most of my time and attention on Apple, because Apple is Lily’s reflection/shadow. Apple always smiles, just like Lily, even when both of them really have so many problems in life (Apple has many problems that others don’t know – and Apple only shared with me while Lily had serious health problems, bearing the pain she was suffering). Both of them have tahi lalat at the back of their necks, exactly at the same spot (a little bit on their right side). Apple has quite a smelly mouth, just like Lily. Both of them have pretty large nose and ears. Apple is quite good looking, while Lily is/was totally cute. Both of them have pretty bright and flawless skin. Apple is very easy going, very easy to make friends, just like Lily. Apple has short hair because Apple is quite lazy to comb hair, just like Lily. Apple and Lily both have something in their eyes, something that I feel much calmer whenever I look into their eyes. Enough to make me feel better. Apple has pretty long fingers, just like Lily. Both of them have quite smelly hair. That’s why, whatever I did to Lily (hugging, shampoo-ing, cutting nails, playing with hair), i always did that to Apple even though sometimes, Apple didn’t feel comfortable with it. The only thing that is different is that, Apple can walk and talk while Lily can’t do both.
Everyday, I miss Lily and the only way to avoid me from thinking too much of Lily and starting to lose myself is by looking at Apple. Everytime I look at Apple, I always imagine myself looking at Lily. Everytime i tell Apple anything on the basis that Apple will be a good listener (like Lily), I always imagine Lily. That’s why I was/am so nice to Apple. Looking at Apple’s face is enough to fulfill my day.
(Perhaps because Apple shared many things with me made me even more close and nice to Apple)
Apple never treated me badly, nor more than just a friend. For Apple, I’m just a normal friend that Apple can find anywhere, without leaving any good memories at all. I was expecting too much and was hoping that I could be very close to Apple, but I know the feeling wasn’t mutual at all for Apple. But, i don’t mind if that’s the price I have to pay to look at Apple’s/Lily’s face, to be close to Apple. I never keep anything Apple did to me in my heart, nor planning to make Apple’s life miserable, because if I did/do anything to Apple, it’s the same thing I did to Lily, and I can’t afford to do that. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose Apple, because I have lost Lily. I’m done wasting my attention and time on Apple because I believe I’m worth of something better than this (Apple never appreciate it). At the same time, I miss Apple and forgive everything Apple did to me, just like how I miss and remember Lily.
I’m still hoping that our relationship will be better after this, but I won’t be the one fixing our relationship, let it be Apple who starts it first. I totally miss Apple so much and I hope Apple feels the same thing. I love Apple the way I love Lily, and I hope Apple loves me the same way. I never told Apple about this, as I don’t want Apple to think that I’m expecting too much. This will only put our relationship in risk as Apple will be afraid that Apple will never reach the expectation I have put. I have to move on even though it’s hard as I’m thinking too much of Lily. Some said I take this too personally and yeah, I admit it because you just don’t know how much I miss and love Lily, the way I love and miss Apple,
In fact during my final week in KYUEM, I was hoping to spend more time with Apple because that should be the last time I see Lily/Apple. But, things didn’t turn out very well and I regret. I regret it.
This is the last time I talk about Apple and I’m still hoping Apple will fix this relationship (if Apple cares to do so). But yeah, i dont think that will happen. I still have a bright future ahead and I should look forward to it, without thinking too much of anything else that comes along the way :-). My good memories with Apple and Lily shall be kept and both of them really have a special place in my heart.
**Today, i cleaned up Lily’s room. Even after 6 months, nothing seems to change that much. Every night, I still have a dream of Lily. Im done crying but Im not done thinking of her. Im sorry if you think Im too much. But yeah, I admit it because Lily was/is my person.