today

i went back to my house in Kedah not only to ask my parents' blessings for the coming exam, but also to plant a few flowering trees at lily's grave. Lily loved kemboja, so my dad asked me to plant 2 kemboja trees at her grave. And Lily also loved pink, so my sister and I went to almost all plant nurseries and we finally bought 2 trees that produce white flowers with red at the edge of each petal. very unique

after this, i will work very hard for my A levels.. i really wish to get all the grades because once i get to the uk, i will start being myself back.. i promise

April 24th, 2011

Yes Lily. Abang knows it’s your birthday today. Your birthday is on the same day as Ashee’s birthday. That’s why, abang went out during the weekend, spending 2 days at Pak Teh’s house. Otherwise, abang has to attend ashee’s birthday party at Mid Valley. Abang can’t even though she’s my friend. Otherwise, abang’s tears will start to burst again, thinking of you..

Today, mama wanted to celebrate your birthday, which is also the same day as Tok’s birthday. Mama made a kenduri arwah at your school. She also brought a few cakes to your second home, the pediatrics clinic. The whole family also celebrated Tok’s birthday. Kakak told abang that Tok cried because usually it has always been you and her, cutting the cake together. You are now 15 and abang hopes you will continue to be happy. Smile, from wherever you are

· Thank you Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir for visiting me

· Thank you Naim, Zamri and Asri for being with me during the weekend. We really had a great time together

the SHIT feeling :-(

Sometimes, whenever you start feeling like shit, like someone is shitting on your face, or you start losing pieces of yourself, the only way to stand back and fight is by remembering Him. He is always there whenever you feel like losing everyone….

My Lord, please help me to go through this. I’m not that strong, and at the same time I hope all my hard work for the past 20 years will bring me to the dream that I want to be. I’m doing this for Lily and myself. I just need 3 A’s to get there. Pls

** Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir are going to visit me here in KY today. Sometimes I feel very guilty for not spending time with them. At the end, they still come and visit me. God, please forgive me