my dream

Lily loves hugging people like that :-)

Last night, I had a dream. I dreamed about Lily. Lily was running towards me and called me ‘Abang’.

The doctors finally allowed us to visit her. I went there once. What I could do was not more than just standing there for a minute when my tears finally started to flow.

Second time, i just visited her for 10 seconds. That was only to send my grandma because she didn’t know where Lily’s room is. Third time was also to send my grandma. I’m sorry. I just cannot be there. I will cry. Because I always imagine her playing with me. So, I cannot see her with wires all over her body. Frankly speaking, she’s more than just a sister to me. She’s my friend. She’s a listener. She’s there whenever i need someone to be with me. At home, i never go out with my friends (this is true) because i usually go out with Lily even to watch movies or go for window shopping. Now, it has been 2 weeks i never go out from my house (except to go to the hospital). Am i a good brother if i don’t be beside my sister even when I can see her? I know i should have been beside her going through all this, but i can’t! i will cry.

I pretend that Lily is ok. I pretend that nothing has even happened. I pretend that Lily is here. I try to be happy by chatting with people, commenting on people’s photos and calling people. But, i finally realise that everything I have done for the past 2 weeks was not more than just trying to run away from the fact that I really miss Lily! everything is useless.

The doctors finally told us that they could not do anything. They wanted to do dialysis on her, but they just cannot see her suffer anymore. They wanted her to be happy. They just hoped that Lily can go through this. They cannot do anything anymore.

Lily, today abang made the cheese cake that you really like. Abang was happy doing it because Abang knew that someone would have craved for it. But when Abang put it on the table, Abang finally realised that Lily wasn’t there. Abang threw that cheese cake because no one ate it. Abang forgot that you are in the hospital, fighting for your life. How could Abang be like this? Sorry Lily, Abang just forgot. Sorry Lily, Abang wasn’t (isn’t) a good brother after all.

When I was young, i always pray to God. I always pray that God will change my place with her (like in the movie when you exchanged your body with someone). I always want to see her to get better. But i know, it was only a dream. Not more than that. I just need to live in the real world. I missed the moment when we watched movies together, i missed the moment when she played with my nose, i missed the moment of hugging her, i missed her kissing my cheek, i missed the moment when she wanted to make a drink for my parents and i would always put her on the chair and taught her how to make drinks, i missed all the moments with her. I don’t have any regret at all for now because I think I have used every moment that we have together, but i still cannot let her go.

A few days ago, i asked the doctors whether is it possible or not to do the kidney transplant on her because I wanted to donate my kidney to her. I could still survive with one kidney. The doctors say with her condition like this, it’s almost impossible to do the transplant. Even the best doctor in the world would not do it on her. I understand that. I know the time is very near. I know Lily will leave me very soon. I know that my strength and my love will be gone very soon. I know that. But I just cannot accept it.

But Lily, God knows what is good for you. If leaving me is the best way for you, I will accept it. Abang pasrah. Abang tak boleh lihat Lily terseksa lagi

Love,

Abang