I am strong(or even pretending to be stronger than ever)

It is awkward to pretend not having a strong feeling on someone, but yet you yourself, are fighting with your own emotions. It is awkward to deny the feeling I have for you, even though it is a pain to myself. It's awkward when seeing your face everyday and talking to you really make my day, but now I have to pretend to be normal to you. Maybe it is true what you say to me: Things happen for a reason for yet we dont know why. Insya allah we can figure out our way out of this mess.

You know why Im always hard on you, and will always do. Just leave it there. We have to move on. We both have our dreams to be chasing after. And I, I have made a promise to myself that I will never turn back, no matter how much I love you, no matter how nice you have become, no matter how much sorry you say to me, and no matter how painful it is for me. I will never turn back, even once, because loving you is the best thing I have ever done, and letting you go is the hardest thing to do. But, I will never forget you. It may take some time, but i will try, even harder to never think of you - and because I love you so much that I know when is the right time to say good bye..

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Living under your own shadow is not a privilege, but rather a wrong choice being made. You have to put off the mask from yourself. Showing a smile to everyone even when you suffer is not good - because ignorance is never a bliss...

owh how i admire her =)

im not a type of person who can easily get impressed with other people. But, Im so impressed with her. Sometimes, whenever we feel that we have gone through enough, there are still people who face worse than that.

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there will be a point when you realise that you have been there, and you have done that. You might want to find other things interesting, and that is when you decide to grow up =).

updates!

When you walk around Aberdeen, there will be people giving weird and disgusting looks to you. It is just another day as an international student in Aberdeen. But the only way to kill them is by giving the most sincere smile. When i did my history taking on a patient, she did not want me to do that just because Im not a Caucasian. How did I react to the situation? The old Zulikhwan will always be radical and will somehow say, ‘next time you need my help, dont ask for it.’ But i guess people all grow up, and I am one of them. I replied to her, ‘ok, i will get my collegue to do that for you. In case you need anything, just give me a shout.

When i have to survive on my own, i learnt so many things – and many people just sometimes to believe that i did everything on my own, managing my flat, financial status, tax, bills, studying and so on. Im sometimes surprised with myself, and of course it has helped me to be more confident now, and I wish I can learn as much as I can from Aberdeen

** I will somehow start with my childhood stories after this. This is not another episode of self pity from me. I just want people out there to be inspired by them, and achieve whatever they want to achieve. And i hope you will always be happy =)

Fighting for Dominican and Costa Rica

Every day, things just get better for me. Im still trying to adapt with the workloads i have to do, but it’s normal for a medical student. I went to Saint Andrews and Dundee to visiti my friend there, Lee Chin Wei. We were very close back then in KY because he was my senior, staying in a chalet next to mine. The trip was good, and we catched up with each other a lot. It has been nearly 2 years we didnt meet up with each other, but the beauty of friendship is that we always make some time and space to just say hi to each other. Lee is a Chinese, while Im a Malay, and of course the common stigma people will have is that there will always be some difficulties to just talk with each other. But, i noticed that, I never find racial issue as a barrier to make friends, in fact most of my closest friends come from different races. We always put racial barrier aside, and sometimes, we just make jokes out of it (Vicky!)

Lee has grown up, and of course everyone is growing up too. He’s doing very well in St Andrews, getting into top 10 every exam he has. I still remembered the ‘previous Lee’ before this, someone who always stayed in the room until late at night. But along the way, we find that that’s not the whole point of living a life. He has changed, from a bookworm, to someone who has a pretty good and balanced social life there. At the end, it doesnt matter from which university you come from. What matters the most is the values and lessons you learn in living a life.

Im currently working on a voluntary project in countries, and I hope that I will be able to raise enough funds to do my community service with Alice and a few other locals here. What we have in mind are Dominican Republic, South Africa, Costa Rica, Eastern Europe, Thailand, Australia and New Zealand. It’s going to be a 2 week project, which costs around 50 000 pounds (or 1000 each person), and we hope we can raise enough money before summer. I find that this will be a great chance to learn more about people, and share the beauty of life with others. But Im still fighting to do it in Costa Rica and Dominican Republic, since both countries are very poor, and i want all my teammates to feel, what it is like when you dont always get what you one. I notice that some of them have not been thankful enough with what they have

Thank You and everything that comes along =)

the song is dedicated to my friends, especially Naim and Safrizal (and you will know why)

I have been too preoccupied with all the medical-related things that I have to do and I finally forget to update my blog which has been a part of myself. It’s true that God has given us 24 hours, and we should be able to ‘squeeze’ in between those, spending some time to do something that we always do. That’s the wonder of life. We have to make some time and space for others, so that we will never forget everything that comes along, trying to appreciate every second God has granted to us.

I have promised to write down my thankful note, but I finally realise that the list is too long to be written, and most importantly I’m afraid that I might forget certain people. Let me keep the list to myself, and I find it better to be this way =)

I’m currently in Aberdeen, studying medicine here. Aberdeen Medical School is a very great school, and I have to say that. It has always been in Top 5 for 7 years (except for this year) and it’s an honour for me to study here. The Foresterhill Health Campus (the name of Aberdeen Medical School) here is the biggest health campus in Europe and it is being separated from the main campus (King’s Campus). Aberdeen has a very small quota for international students (around 13 every year) and that is why it’s not very glamour in Malaysia. Im the only Malaysian in my batch and most of the other international students here have been here for almost 4-7 years – making them more ‘English’ compared to me- which i sometimes find it so hard to mingle with them, not because of the language barrier, but it is more like the cultural barrier I have to overcome. However, i have no choice rather than trying to be a part of them. The approach used to teach here is traditional, lectures plus some group discussions and so on. The Malaysian Community here is very small, roughly around 50 people only.

I admit that I feel a little bit lonely here, and I really miss my moments in MCKK and KYUEM, all my friends and so on. It’s not because that i dont really have friends here, but what matters is that I dont have friends whom I can have the rossy moments on the bed (ok. This one sounds a bit fishy..hahaha). I miss the time when I sat on the bed with Naim and Safrizal, talking many things and chatting about almost everything. I missed the moment that I had a pillow talk with Naim. Only when distance keeps all of us apart, that I begin to miss and appreciate all my friends especially those two people.

Naim will come down (or rather up =P ) to Aberdeen during winter and I hope that we will spend more time together. I hope all of you dont get this wrong. I have been sharing every single thing with Naim, and he has been beside me through thick and thin of my life. At one point, I begin to feel him as my person. Along the way, we have many arguments and some time, i dont really understand with what he did. There is always a period of time when he ignores me, not replying to my sms and so on. But i guess, with everything we went through together, I have learnt to forgive people even when it is a hurt to myself. And I guess I have to give some space to Naim, as that is what friends are for. We always know the time when we have to let each other go, and when we have to understand each other. What both of us should keep in mind is that we have each other to rely on =). Naim is in London now, and I really understand how badly he wanted me to be there, having fun with him because that is what we have been promising to each other. But, our journey took a different path, and I hope Naim understands that. What i want him to know that if I could turn the clock back, I would change that ‘thing’. What both of us need to do is that we have to move fun, trying to start something new. Even so, we know we have each other =)

Safrizal on the other hand, is a different story that I should keep to myself. We have many arguments down the line, but in the end we still know we have each other to listen and be there. I have been treating him in a different way, he is more like a brother rather than a friend (while Naim is my person). Our journey took a different path, more fights than anything, more bitter than sweet. After life in KYUEM ends, I begin to realise that our relationship has been greatly improved, and Im glad to know that. After all, he has also been there during the lowest point of my life and I appreciate that. I shall be waiting for you to join us next year, also trying to start something new, forgetting whatever has happened in the past. After all, you have a special place in my heart, and I hope you know that, just like how Naim has been ‘glued’ to my heart =). AND THAT IS WHY I CANT SAY NO TO BOTH OF YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME =)

One of our camwhoring moments . Smile and continue to be happy like this if both of you happen to read this blog =D

During the 'juicy' pangkor trip

And i do hope that 3 of us can stay together, even sometimes I think that Naim and Safrizal have some untold and funny conflicts among each other (hahaha), which I can hardly understand.

But I hope both of them can forgive each other the way i have been forgiving each and every one of them even when I find it so hard to do =)

Thank you to Tikah (more like my virtual friend haha), Azri, Vicky, Shikin, Permata, Fendy and so on. Most importantly I have to thank Bank Negara and my family for always understanding me and giving me another chance. I shall keep my promise to you

Dear readers,

I finally realise that I have been living in self-pity for quite some time, hoping that people will understand me and be symphatised with me, while me on the other hand, never do the same to others. I have learnt a great lesson, that my self-pity-ness will bring me to no where. I promise that I will try my best to be myself back.

p/s: this post lacks emotional touch a bit (not like the previous post) since Im quite busy for my coming exams. I will try to update and improve my writing after this. What has happened to me for the past 9 months has been a great teacher, and i hope my readers will learn something. Till we meet again =)

Post Raya @ Soon to 'fly' syndrome

the photo looks a bit awkward this time. the arrangement doesnt look good. and I guess there is a missing part in everyone, the usual smile that we used to have =)

Raya has been amazing for me. Nevertheless, I feel there is still a missing part in me, and I couldnt control it when I was at Lily's grave. It may sound crazy or awkward when somebody went to visit a grave at 12 in the morning - and that crazy person can only be me, visiting Lily's grave on raya's night. It may look 'pathetic' when people were having fun, huha here and there talking to each other during raya while I sat at the garden alone, counting how many flowers are there. However, I would say Ive been enjoying my Raya sooo much that Im going to miss everything here.

Got an open house and please dont be shocked because my open house was attended by nearly 1000 people. I live in Felda and my father is the manager of that Felda. Thus, its common when you see my open house is like wedding, with seekor lembu dikorbankan.

Im busy preparing myself for this Saturday, because Im flying off to Aberdeen this saturday (17 Sept) at 10 am. i shall come out with another post saying thank you to people, and at the same time, I need to write about something that I finally realise =)

the test is too much for me

The test is too much this time. It happened one after another, all in the same year and all in less than 7 months. I thought after Lily passed away, getting bad results for trial, family problems and friends, the test was over. But God kept on testing me. Yes, my A-Levels result was disappointing. Very, very disappointing. I didn’t meet the requirement for my firm university choice, Queen Mary London. I know that I have lost my focus during A-Levels, but I never expected it to be this bad. Thinking too much about Lily maybe the reason, but I never blame her.

2 weeks after A-Levels, I took a moment of silence. At the same time, I told a few of my closest friends, hoping that they would understand me and how badly I wanted to go abroad to be a successful doctor - but yeah only some understood me. Going abroad is not just a normal dream that everyone has about having fun. Nor about having the chance to travel in Europe. For me, this is more than that. Going somewhere else means that I will have a second chance to start a new and fresh start, forgetting every single thing happening to me after having two harsh years especially during my final 8 months in KYUEM. I first started to blame God for testing me this way. Especially the shame that I had to face. The usual thing I will always hear - Ngko kijang kowt. Best student SPM. Sure ngko lepas. But, things didn’t turn out the way they should be and I seriously blame God for this, for taking back everything after He granted so many things to me. I kept on asking, why do you give this in the first place. Out of so many people, why me?

With such like these grades, no medical school in the UK, Ireland or in fact Australia would have taken me. I’ve put so much efforts and hard work in it. I know I didn’t do my best during A Levels, but I also know that I will get the grades I wanted, despite all the complaints I made about A-Levels. For 2 weeks, I’ve lost my confidence in Him. Like most people, I also never fail. I never find studying something hard to do. In fact I really enjoy it. I never fail to get what I want.

I tried to convince everyone that everything shall be ok, but deep inside of myself, I really, really doubt things are going to be alright. I tried to put a fake smile on my face in front of everyone, but when I was alone, Ii cried. Safrizal called me that night, telling me everything shall be ok. I cried on phone for 2 hours and my heart didn’t want to listen to anything despite all the comfort words he gave to me. I cried not just because of my grades, because I have disappointed my parents. And this is the first time they became so worried. I owed them a lot. For the sacrifices money and time they spent on me. I always told myself I wanted to keep a distance between me and my family. Not because I hate them. It’s because I love them so much that Ii know I’m making the right decision. Staying far from my family means I will never have to argue with them. No fight with them - which something i couldn’t afford to do so because I love them.

Most importantly, i have disappointed Lily. I’m doing this for her and will always be for her. The decision to change my course was a temporary one, but since I was 6, I really wanted to treat people like Lily - and I have an essay I wrote when I was 8 about me wanting to be a doctor. However, God really has a better plan. Even for 2 weeks, I started to forget Him, not praying, God never forget me. He still loves me. A wake up call came when I read Erna's post in her blog - Allah never test you if He knows you can't handle it (thank you so much Erna). I became realise about it when Safrizal gave me words of comfort, telling me everything shall be fine. Because He love you so much that’s why He is testing you. During 2 weeks, I was hoping that my best friends would have wanted to help me arranging everything (despite me telling them that I have to do this on my own). I have lost the confidence at all. However, Safrizal and Azri came to give me some options. Appeal, changing my courses and so on. Azri convinced me, my grades are good enough to later on apply for the graduate entry.

Shikin sent some sms-es, telling me to stay calm and always believe that someone is willing to give a shoulder to cry on the other side. Vicky was in the same shoes with me, and he kept calling me for updates (I shall be writing a list of people I want to thank in the next post). The shame and the feeling of not being able to go overseas has become a reality. The confidence was nearly zero. I later read my previous posts about Lily and how badly i wanted it. I visited her grave. And later, my life started to change when I read ayat seribu dinar-something I miss for 20 years. I collected the pieces left and gathered all my strength to keep on trying and praying. I wrote a few appeal letters, with all the supporting documents, recommendation letters from the bank and the college. I took a few other entrance exams on my own, going to and fro KL/Alor Setar - despite not getting enough supports from my family as they were totally dissapointed. For 2 weeks, it has been physically demanding and mentally tiring. Not to mention the emotions I tried to control.

Alhamdulillah, everything happened for a reason. I managed to get my Queen Mary offer back, together with offers from RCSI, UCL and Aberdeen. For somebody who got that kind of grades to secure such like that 4 amazing offers from top notch med schools, was a gift to myself. I thanked God, for loving me and for listening to all my prayers. I later decided to go to Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland. I guess for this time I wanted to listen to my parents because they were quite reluctant to let me be in the UK. But Bank Negara didn’t allow that as they wanted me to go into top 10 universities, so choices have been limited to London and Scotland. And my heart is no longer in London for some personal reasons and because I wanted to run away from a few people. And I guess I also wanted to change. I have too much fun in my life until I forgot who is up there. I love partying and socialising. Tone down myself a bit is a good thing. I shall stick to that, up until Ii believe I haven’t lost myself yet.

So i decide to go to Aberdeen. Moreover Aberdeen is ranked num 3, highest among those med schools. Running away from people I know maybe a good start to be myself back. I thank God for giving this second chance and I shall not turn back. I shall not repeat the same mistake, thinking too much about lily and other people. This is my promise to Lily. Lily shall stick in my heart. I shall move on but I will never let Lily go. Like I always told Vicky, kalau asyik naik, bila lagi nak jatuh. This shall be a lesson to me and I’ve learnt it through a very harsh way. God, thank you. I know Im not a religious type person, but my faith in you shall grow stronger and thank you again.

** I know I’m not that alim. I know I sometimes miss to pray 5 times a day. I know I love socialising and partying with people. I know I can get along with anyone without limit. I know I can go to a pub, huha here and there, and still got what I wanted. But I would encourage all of you to have at least a minute and try to understand this verse of Quran

Then when they are about to fulfil their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take for witness two just persons from among you (Muslims). And establish the witness for Allah. That will be an admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things

Whether you are a Muslim or not, always have you trust in your God and your God will never forget you. Trust me J (this is not a religious post, this is about my personal experience)

My call has come for me to change for better and thank you God for giving me at least a deem light to shine again. But that doesn’t mean i will forget my friends because i will change myself for better, the true ZULIKHWAN

Dear Lily, Abang hopes you can smile after listening this from wherever. Abang is a step closer to realise our dream. Do u still remember when Abang was 7 and you were so small and Abang always pretended to be the doctor while you were the patient??? How we would use mom's talc powder as the medicine? How Abang used a pencil as a thermometer, checking your body’s temperature and later we would take a teddy bear, wrapped it with a cloth, putting a balloon in it as if the bear was pregnant? Abang missed that. Abang will surely be the first to treat your friends- whom Abang hopes are still alive by the time Abang graduates in 2016. Owh yeah, Abang missed the moment Abang brought you to the hospital in a wheelchair that we would race with mom to see who shall be at the lift first ;).

Mom seems so sad.Everyone is leaving her one by one. You left her early of this year, Kakak a month ago as her first posting is Hospital Besar Pulau Pinang and now Abang is going to leave her too... Abang really miss you, especially the part when u always korek hidung abang ;)

Owh Abang almost forgets one last thing Abang wanted to tell u.. Abang went to buy a burger a few days ago after 7 months Abang has never been there. Lily, do you still remember the burger boy whom u always called as Pooh (the only sound you knew how to make J) because he was big, bald and he loves wearing red shirt?? He still remembers you because he asked abang, mana adik pereempuan yg awak selalu bawak naik kerusi roda tue? Abang could only look at him and give a fake smile

Lily, Cik Mah passed away 2 days ago due to kidney damage, just like you (end stage of renal failure). You have always liked Cik Mah, because you and her shared the common thing, make-up. Whenever Cik Mah came to our house, you would go to her bringing one eye shadow and she would put that on your face. Al-Fatihah for her

Tok’s health is getting worse and Abang is afraid of that. Since you left her, Tok seems alone and she is not as happy as before this

ABANG REALLY WISHES YOU TO BE HERE. NOT TO SHARE THE HAPPINESS THAT ABANG IS GOING TO GO TO THE UK AND A STEP CLOSER TO BE A DOCTOR, BUT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING TO BE BACK TO NORMALJ

the unspoken truth

Here is the thing. I really dont know what to do with my life. Half of myself really wants to continue to be a doctor, but half of myself really wants to be an economist, after seeing how things in Bank Negara work. Not only that, the feeling of getting rich by the age of 30 is so overwhelming. I guess I just need to wait and see what will happen on August 11, when my A-Levels result is released.

perhaps i should be grateful for a while :-)

At the age of 20, I should be grateful and thankful for having an asset for my future investment.

Im so proud of my dad. My dad is working with FELDA and it’s common for someone like him to have lots of lands and become a major shareholder in FELDA. My dad realizes that the property he has been collecting so far will not last longer. Thus, he decided to give them to 3 of us, my sister, Amin and me. My dad realizes this, having lots of assets and properties may become an enemy for three of us, perhaps we will fight in the future for this. Thus, before he dies, he wants to give all of the properties to three of us.

My sister got a few lands and shares, so do I. Amin got the house and all the 4 cars he has (but only when he reaches 18, then the hakmilik will be his)

At the age of 20, I should be grateful ,for at least, I have a better future. In case of emergency, the property I have worth of 120 000 can be used. That’s my future investment.

Thank you Dad. I really appreciate it J

Random Thoughts :-)

1. It’s normal in a typical Malay family that the children will be raised in such a way that they have to be blamed even for the mistakes that they never do, they are told not to argue with the elders otherwise, they are considered as kurang sopan. It is common in this family that the children’s opinions will be less respected and will be considered as immature. When will we change? I don’t know
2. last few days was the BERSIH demonstration. Im not a politic maniac. Im just a normal citizen but Im totally against the idea of having demonstrations with lots of people. The BERSIH proposal sounds good, it is just that the method of delivering it doesn’t convince me
3. I went to BTN last 2 weeks. As usual, I was so skeptical with BTN. Brain wash. That’s the first thing came across my mind. But to tell you the truth, there’s nothing about supporting the current federal government in my camp in Nilai (not so sure about other camps). It was basically about the country, the history and so on and I really enjoyed it
4. Im currently living my life to the fullest. Some says long holidays might turn out so boring, but I enjoy and cherish every moment I have before I cant do the same after this
5. 7 months, things don’t change that much in my house. Haih~~~
6. my trip to Hatyai has been cancelled because Dad says he cannot let us go-still thinking of Lily and how much she wanted to go there last year, but dad never had the chance to bring her
7. Already watched Harry Potter and I wished I was Harry Potter- got everything (the talents and people who really love him)
8. Was at Manila for a short trip with my sister
9. Was at KL with my friends from KYUEM and MCKK
10. was at Penang, enjoying myself with my cousins
11. went to the Bakery and Pastry Class once, but I didn’t have any interest, so ive decided to learn cooking on my own.
12. I always go out with my grandma, hoping to spend more time with her
13. applied to St Andrews (again) but got rejected.
14. Have done my one and only mission for this holiday, botak-ing myself and Im so proud of it (a new change J )

Apple is Lily's reflection - That's why I love Apple :-)

Many people ask me why I was/am so nice to Apple. Yes I admit, i spend most of my time and attention on Apple, because Apple is Lily’s reflection/shadow. Apple always smiles, just like Lily, even when both of them really have so many problems in life (Apple has many problems that others don’t know – and Apple only shared with me while Lily had serious health problems, bearing the pain she was suffering). Both of them have tahi lalat at the back of their necks, exactly at the same spot (a little bit on their right side). Apple has quite a smelly mouth, just like Lily. Both of them have pretty large nose and ears. Apple is quite good looking, while Lily is/was totally cute. Both of them have pretty bright and flawless skin. Apple is very easy going, very easy to make friends, just like Lily. Apple has short hair because Apple is quite lazy to comb hair, just like Lily. Apple and Lily both have something in their eyes, something that I feel much calmer whenever I look into their eyes. Enough to make me feel better. Apple has pretty long fingers, just like Lily. Both of them have quite smelly hair. That’s why, whatever I did to Lily (hugging, shampoo-ing, cutting nails, playing with hair), i always did that to Apple even though sometimes, Apple didn’t feel comfortable with it. The only thing that is different is that, Apple can walk and talk while Lily can’t do both.

Everyday, I miss Lily and the only way to avoid me from thinking too much of Lily and starting to lose myself is by looking at Apple. Everytime I look at Apple, I always imagine myself looking at Lily. Everytime i tell Apple anything on the basis that Apple will be a good listener (like Lily), I always imagine Lily. That’s why I was/am so nice to Apple. Looking at Apple’s face is enough to fulfill my day.

(Perhaps because Apple shared many things with me made me even more close and nice to Apple)

Apple never treated me badly, nor more than just a friend. For Apple, I’m just a normal friend that Apple can find anywhere, without leaving any good memories at all. I was expecting too much and was hoping that I could be very close to Apple, but I know the feeling wasn’t mutual at all for Apple. But, i don’t mind if that’s the price I have to pay to look at Apple’s/Lily’s face, to be close to Apple. I never keep anything Apple did to me in my heart, nor planning to make Apple’s life miserable, because if I did/do anything to Apple, it’s the same thing I did to Lily, and I can’t afford to do that. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose Apple, because I have lost Lily. I’m done wasting my attention and time on Apple because I believe I’m worth of something better than this (Apple never appreciate it). At the same time, I miss Apple and forgive everything Apple did to me, just like how I miss and remember Lily.

I’m still hoping that our relationship will be better after this, but I won’t be the one fixing our relationship, let it be Apple who starts it first. I totally miss Apple so much and I hope Apple feels the same thing. I love Apple the way I love Lily, and I hope Apple loves me the same way. I never told Apple about this, as I don’t want Apple to think that I’m expecting too much. This will only put our relationship in risk as Apple will be afraid that Apple will never reach the expectation I have put. I have to move on even though it’s hard as I’m thinking too much of Lily. Some said I take this too personally and yeah, I admit it because you just don’t know how much I miss and love Lily, the way I love and miss Apple,

In fact during my final week in KYUEM, I was hoping to spend more time with Apple because that should be the last time I see Lily/Apple. But, things didn’t turn out very well and I regret. I regret it.

This is the last time I talk about Apple and I’m still hoping Apple will fix this relationship (if Apple cares to do so). But yeah, i dont think that will happen. I still have a bright future ahead and I should look forward to it, without thinking too much of anything else that comes along the way :-). My good memories with Apple and Lily shall be kept and both of them really have a special place in my heart.

**Today, i cleaned up Lily’s room. Even after 6 months, nothing seems to change that much. Every night, I still have a dream of Lily. Im done crying but Im not done thinking of her. Im sorry if you think Im too much. But yeah, I admit it because Lily was/is my person.

..the end..

It has been 1 week since I graduated from KYUEM. Finally, my life in KYUEM is over. Yes I admit, entering KYUEM may not be the best experience I have ever had in my life, but surely I miss my friends there, especially Naim and Puan Halijah. Perhaps, 2 years in KYUEM are the toughest year in my life so far. I guess it’s because I’m still being shadowed by my good memories back then in MCKK. In KYUEM, for the first time in my life, I had problems with studies as I lost my focus a lot, Lily passed away during this time, and I lost myself a little bit. I started neglecting my good friends from MCKK. I don’t put the blame on KYUEM because for me, KYUEM is the best place to meet people. I put the blame on me for not being myself and for losing myself.

Thank you KYUEM. I will surely miss KYUEM

*******************************************************************

Dear Apple,

I’m sorry for expecting too much from you. I thought you could be a good listener to me since Lily passed away. I thought you could provide me the support when I felt so lonely. But, I was wrong. I was so nice to you, but you still didn’t treat me very well. For you, I’m just a normal friend, passing by in your life. I hope one day, you will realize that you cannot treat people like that. I’m done wasting my time and attention on you until I started not to appreciate people around me. And finally, I realized that you are not worth any of my kindness and attention anymore. Bye. See you soon because I have to start forgetting you and erasing you from my life.

Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Form

For some, DNR is just another medical term, a condition in which when the heart fails, the doctors will never make any attempt to start the heart back.

For me, DNR is more than that. My mom signed the form when Lily was in ICU. My mom wanted Lily to go in peace. My mom knew that when the time came, she wanted to be beside Lily, seeing Lily for the last time. My mom knew that the doctors would do nothing to make Lily breath again once she signed the form.

I just knew it a few weeks ago. I just hoped i could be beside my mom and gave a shoulder to cry when the heart beat machine didnt show any signal at all.

This is not about giving up in medicine, nor losing faith in the power of medicine, this is about seeing the one you love the most leave you with pride and dignity.

Mom, please stop crying. I know I’m not Lily to be there and cheer you up, but I know how much you love her. And you are doing the right thing :-)

when my heart starts to cry.......

The fear is getting stronger. So many regrets. I wish i can turn the clock back and be myself. the true ZULIKHWAN who has nothing to stop him from achieving what he wants. My chemistry papers were totally horrible. I know I shouldnt say this but getting 3As seems so hard now

I have many friends, but i wish i can have someone to tell about everything. I wish I can have Lily now. Im totally depressed and sorry, im not in the mood for any ‘friendly’ chatting at all

I want to cry but i cant because I have cried too much. Please, I want to get everything done as soon as possible

**this is so hard :-(. A levels is fair. It’s just me not being fair to myself

In the midst of A levels

Im in the midst of A levels right now. I just hope i can get everything done as quickly as possible. During this stressful time, I just want to keep myself emotionally stable without thinking too much of anything else. But, of course, I can easily get annoyed with people. I know it’s not their problem, because it all starts from me. Please, let time fly as fast as possible. And A-levels, please be nice to me. My papers so far were quite good but next week is going to be a very hard time for me. I will be having 5 papers next week.

Owh, i wish I can have Lily at this moment to tell her everything about my problems. :-(

** Thanks Safrizal for helping me with Maths so far. It has been very nice studying with you

the final lap

Next week is my final exam for A Levels. This will determine whether my efforts for 20 years are worth or not. This will determine whether my dream to be a doctor will be a reality or not. This will be the moment in which i will disappoint Lilly or not. Mama and abah too

With so many things happening to me, I really wish I can get at least 3As to go to Queen Mary, London. There, I hope I can start everything again. The turning point of my life.

These 14 papers will determine my future. I just feel I have not done enough even though I have been studying up until 2 am every day. My Lord, please help me...

I also hope i can be with my friends there. Zamri and Naim, thank you for studying together with me. I hope i can join both of you in London

today

i went back to my house in Kedah not only to ask my parents' blessings for the coming exam, but also to plant a few flowering trees at lily's grave. Lily loved kemboja, so my dad asked me to plant 2 kemboja trees at her grave. And Lily also loved pink, so my sister and I went to almost all plant nurseries and we finally bought 2 trees that produce white flowers with red at the edge of each petal. very unique

after this, i will work very hard for my A levels.. i really wish to get all the grades because once i get to the uk, i will start being myself back.. i promise

April 24th, 2011

Yes Lily. Abang knows it’s your birthday today. Your birthday is on the same day as Ashee’s birthday. That’s why, abang went out during the weekend, spending 2 days at Pak Teh’s house. Otherwise, abang has to attend ashee’s birthday party at Mid Valley. Abang can’t even though she’s my friend. Otherwise, abang’s tears will start to burst again, thinking of you..

Today, mama wanted to celebrate your birthday, which is also the same day as Tok’s birthday. Mama made a kenduri arwah at your school. She also brought a few cakes to your second home, the pediatrics clinic. The whole family also celebrated Tok’s birthday. Kakak told abang that Tok cried because usually it has always been you and her, cutting the cake together. You are now 15 and abang hopes you will continue to be happy. Smile, from wherever you are

· Thank you Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir for visiting me

· Thank you Naim, Zamri and Asri for being with me during the weekend. We really had a great time together

the SHIT feeling :-(

Sometimes, whenever you start feeling like shit, like someone is shitting on your face, or you start losing pieces of yourself, the only way to stand back and fight is by remembering Him. He is always there whenever you feel like losing everyone….

My Lord, please help me to go through this. I’m not that strong, and at the same time I hope all my hard work for the past 20 years will bring me to the dream that I want to be. I’m doing this for Lily and myself. I just need 3 A’s to get there. Pls

** Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir are going to visit me here in KY today. Sometimes I feel very guilty for not spending time with them. At the end, they still come and visit me. God, please forgive me