the test is too much for me

The test is too much this time. It happened one after another, all in the same year and all in less than 7 months. I thought after Lily passed away, getting bad results for trial, family problems and friends, the test was over. But God kept on testing me. Yes, my A-Levels result was disappointing. Very, very disappointing. I didn’t meet the requirement for my firm university choice, Queen Mary London. I know that I have lost my focus during A-Levels, but I never expected it to be this bad. Thinking too much about Lily maybe the reason, but I never blame her.

2 weeks after A-Levels, I took a moment of silence. At the same time, I told a few of my closest friends, hoping that they would understand me and how badly I wanted to go abroad to be a successful doctor - but yeah only some understood me. Going abroad is not just a normal dream that everyone has about having fun. Nor about having the chance to travel in Europe. For me, this is more than that. Going somewhere else means that I will have a second chance to start a new and fresh start, forgetting every single thing happening to me after having two harsh years especially during my final 8 months in KYUEM. I first started to blame God for testing me this way. Especially the shame that I had to face. The usual thing I will always hear - Ngko kijang kowt. Best student SPM. Sure ngko lepas. But, things didn’t turn out the way they should be and I seriously blame God for this, for taking back everything after He granted so many things to me. I kept on asking, why do you give this in the first place. Out of so many people, why me?

With such like these grades, no medical school in the UK, Ireland or in fact Australia would have taken me. I’ve put so much efforts and hard work in it. I know I didn’t do my best during A Levels, but I also know that I will get the grades I wanted, despite all the complaints I made about A-Levels. For 2 weeks, I’ve lost my confidence in Him. Like most people, I also never fail. I never find studying something hard to do. In fact I really enjoy it. I never fail to get what I want.

I tried to convince everyone that everything shall be ok, but deep inside of myself, I really, really doubt things are going to be alright. I tried to put a fake smile on my face in front of everyone, but when I was alone, Ii cried. Safrizal called me that night, telling me everything shall be ok. I cried on phone for 2 hours and my heart didn’t want to listen to anything despite all the comfort words he gave to me. I cried not just because of my grades, because I have disappointed my parents. And this is the first time they became so worried. I owed them a lot. For the sacrifices money and time they spent on me. I always told myself I wanted to keep a distance between me and my family. Not because I hate them. It’s because I love them so much that Ii know I’m making the right decision. Staying far from my family means I will never have to argue with them. No fight with them - which something i couldn’t afford to do so because I love them.

Most importantly, i have disappointed Lily. I’m doing this for her and will always be for her. The decision to change my course was a temporary one, but since I was 6, I really wanted to treat people like Lily - and I have an essay I wrote when I was 8 about me wanting to be a doctor. However, God really has a better plan. Even for 2 weeks, I started to forget Him, not praying, God never forget me. He still loves me. A wake up call came when I read Erna's post in her blog - Allah never test you if He knows you can't handle it (thank you so much Erna). I became realise about it when Safrizal gave me words of comfort, telling me everything shall be fine. Because He love you so much that’s why He is testing you. During 2 weeks, I was hoping that my best friends would have wanted to help me arranging everything (despite me telling them that I have to do this on my own). I have lost the confidence at all. However, Safrizal and Azri came to give me some options. Appeal, changing my courses and so on. Azri convinced me, my grades are good enough to later on apply for the graduate entry.

Shikin sent some sms-es, telling me to stay calm and always believe that someone is willing to give a shoulder to cry on the other side. Vicky was in the same shoes with me, and he kept calling me for updates (I shall be writing a list of people I want to thank in the next post). The shame and the feeling of not being able to go overseas has become a reality. The confidence was nearly zero. I later read my previous posts about Lily and how badly i wanted it. I visited her grave. And later, my life started to change when I read ayat seribu dinar-something I miss for 20 years. I collected the pieces left and gathered all my strength to keep on trying and praying. I wrote a few appeal letters, with all the supporting documents, recommendation letters from the bank and the college. I took a few other entrance exams on my own, going to and fro KL/Alor Setar - despite not getting enough supports from my family as they were totally dissapointed. For 2 weeks, it has been physically demanding and mentally tiring. Not to mention the emotions I tried to control.

Alhamdulillah, everything happened for a reason. I managed to get my Queen Mary offer back, together with offers from RCSI, UCL and Aberdeen. For somebody who got that kind of grades to secure such like that 4 amazing offers from top notch med schools, was a gift to myself. I thanked God, for loving me and for listening to all my prayers. I later decided to go to Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland. I guess for this time I wanted to listen to my parents because they were quite reluctant to let me be in the UK. But Bank Negara didn’t allow that as they wanted me to go into top 10 universities, so choices have been limited to London and Scotland. And my heart is no longer in London for some personal reasons and because I wanted to run away from a few people. And I guess I also wanted to change. I have too much fun in my life until I forgot who is up there. I love partying and socialising. Tone down myself a bit is a good thing. I shall stick to that, up until Ii believe I haven’t lost myself yet.

So i decide to go to Aberdeen. Moreover Aberdeen is ranked num 3, highest among those med schools. Running away from people I know maybe a good start to be myself back. I thank God for giving this second chance and I shall not turn back. I shall not repeat the same mistake, thinking too much about lily and other people. This is my promise to Lily. Lily shall stick in my heart. I shall move on but I will never let Lily go. Like I always told Vicky, kalau asyik naik, bila lagi nak jatuh. This shall be a lesson to me and I’ve learnt it through a very harsh way. God, thank you. I know Im not a religious type person, but my faith in you shall grow stronger and thank you again.

** I know I’m not that alim. I know I sometimes miss to pray 5 times a day. I know I love socialising and partying with people. I know I can get along with anyone without limit. I know I can go to a pub, huha here and there, and still got what I wanted. But I would encourage all of you to have at least a minute and try to understand this verse of Quran

Then when they are about to fulfil their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take for witness two just persons from among you (Muslims). And establish the witness for Allah. That will be an admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things

Whether you are a Muslim or not, always have you trust in your God and your God will never forget you. Trust me J (this is not a religious post, this is about my personal experience)

My call has come for me to change for better and thank you God for giving me at least a deem light to shine again. But that doesn’t mean i will forget my friends because i will change myself for better, the true ZULIKHWAN

Dear Lily, Abang hopes you can smile after listening this from wherever. Abang is a step closer to realise our dream. Do u still remember when Abang was 7 and you were so small and Abang always pretended to be the doctor while you were the patient??? How we would use mom's talc powder as the medicine? How Abang used a pencil as a thermometer, checking your body’s temperature and later we would take a teddy bear, wrapped it with a cloth, putting a balloon in it as if the bear was pregnant? Abang missed that. Abang will surely be the first to treat your friends- whom Abang hopes are still alive by the time Abang graduates in 2016. Owh yeah, Abang missed the moment Abang brought you to the hospital in a wheelchair that we would race with mom to see who shall be at the lift first ;).

Mom seems so sad.Everyone is leaving her one by one. You left her early of this year, Kakak a month ago as her first posting is Hospital Besar Pulau Pinang and now Abang is going to leave her too... Abang really miss you, especially the part when u always korek hidung abang ;)

Owh Abang almost forgets one last thing Abang wanted to tell u.. Abang went to buy a burger a few days ago after 7 months Abang has never been there. Lily, do you still remember the burger boy whom u always called as Pooh (the only sound you knew how to make J) because he was big, bald and he loves wearing red shirt?? He still remembers you because he asked abang, mana adik pereempuan yg awak selalu bawak naik kerusi roda tue? Abang could only look at him and give a fake smile

Lily, Cik Mah passed away 2 days ago due to kidney damage, just like you (end stage of renal failure). You have always liked Cik Mah, because you and her shared the common thing, make-up. Whenever Cik Mah came to our house, you would go to her bringing one eye shadow and she would put that on your face. Al-Fatihah for her

Tok’s health is getting worse and Abang is afraid of that. Since you left her, Tok seems alone and she is not as happy as before this

ABANG REALLY WISHES YOU TO BE HERE. NOT TO SHARE THE HAPPINESS THAT ABANG IS GOING TO GO TO THE UK AND A STEP CLOSER TO BE A DOCTOR, BUT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING TO BE BACK TO NORMALJ