Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Form

For some, DNR is just another medical term, a condition in which when the heart fails, the doctors will never make any attempt to start the heart back.

For me, DNR is more than that. My mom signed the form when Lily was in ICU. My mom wanted Lily to go in peace. My mom knew that when the time came, she wanted to be beside Lily, seeing Lily for the last time. My mom knew that the doctors would do nothing to make Lily breath again once she signed the form.

I just knew it a few weeks ago. I just hoped i could be beside my mom and gave a shoulder to cry when the heart beat machine didnt show any signal at all.

This is not about giving up in medicine, nor losing faith in the power of medicine, this is about seeing the one you love the most leave you with pride and dignity.

Mom, please stop crying. I know I’m not Lily to be there and cheer you up, but I know how much you love her. And you are doing the right thing :-)

when my heart starts to cry.......

The fear is getting stronger. So many regrets. I wish i can turn the clock back and be myself. the true ZULIKHWAN who has nothing to stop him from achieving what he wants. My chemistry papers were totally horrible. I know I shouldnt say this but getting 3As seems so hard now

I have many friends, but i wish i can have someone to tell about everything. I wish I can have Lily now. Im totally depressed and sorry, im not in the mood for any ‘friendly’ chatting at all

I want to cry but i cant because I have cried too much. Please, I want to get everything done as soon as possible

**this is so hard :-(. A levels is fair. It’s just me not being fair to myself

In the midst of A levels

Im in the midst of A levels right now. I just hope i can get everything done as quickly as possible. During this stressful time, I just want to keep myself emotionally stable without thinking too much of anything else. But, of course, I can easily get annoyed with people. I know it’s not their problem, because it all starts from me. Please, let time fly as fast as possible. And A-levels, please be nice to me. My papers so far were quite good but next week is going to be a very hard time for me. I will be having 5 papers next week.

Owh, i wish I can have Lily at this moment to tell her everything about my problems. :-(

** Thanks Safrizal for helping me with Maths so far. It has been very nice studying with you

the final lap

Next week is my final exam for A Levels. This will determine whether my efforts for 20 years are worth or not. This will determine whether my dream to be a doctor will be a reality or not. This will be the moment in which i will disappoint Lilly or not. Mama and abah too

With so many things happening to me, I really wish I can get at least 3As to go to Queen Mary, London. There, I hope I can start everything again. The turning point of my life.

These 14 papers will determine my future. I just feel I have not done enough even though I have been studying up until 2 am every day. My Lord, please help me...

I also hope i can be with my friends there. Zamri and Naim, thank you for studying together with me. I hope i can join both of you in London