my dream

Lily loves hugging people like that :-)

Last night, I had a dream. I dreamed about Lily. Lily was running towards me and called me ‘Abang’.

The doctors finally allowed us to visit her. I went there once. What I could do was not more than just standing there for a minute when my tears finally started to flow.

Second time, i just visited her for 10 seconds. That was only to send my grandma because she didn’t know where Lily’s room is. Third time was also to send my grandma. I’m sorry. I just cannot be there. I will cry. Because I always imagine her playing with me. So, I cannot see her with wires all over her body. Frankly speaking, she’s more than just a sister to me. She’s my friend. She’s a listener. She’s there whenever i need someone to be with me. At home, i never go out with my friends (this is true) because i usually go out with Lily even to watch movies or go for window shopping. Now, it has been 2 weeks i never go out from my house (except to go to the hospital). Am i a good brother if i don’t be beside my sister even when I can see her? I know i should have been beside her going through all this, but i can’t! i will cry.

I pretend that Lily is ok. I pretend that nothing has even happened. I pretend that Lily is here. I try to be happy by chatting with people, commenting on people’s photos and calling people. But, i finally realise that everything I have done for the past 2 weeks was not more than just trying to run away from the fact that I really miss Lily! everything is useless.

The doctors finally told us that they could not do anything. They wanted to do dialysis on her, but they just cannot see her suffer anymore. They wanted her to be happy. They just hoped that Lily can go through this. They cannot do anything anymore.

Lily, today abang made the cheese cake that you really like. Abang was happy doing it because Abang knew that someone would have craved for it. But when Abang put it on the table, Abang finally realised that Lily wasn’t there. Abang threw that cheese cake because no one ate it. Abang forgot that you are in the hospital, fighting for your life. How could Abang be like this? Sorry Lily, Abang just forgot. Sorry Lily, Abang wasn’t (isn’t) a good brother after all.

When I was young, i always pray to God. I always pray that God will change my place with her (like in the movie when you exchanged your body with someone). I always want to see her to get better. But i know, it was only a dream. Not more than that. I just need to live in the real world. I missed the moment when we watched movies together, i missed the moment when she played with my nose, i missed the moment of hugging her, i missed her kissing my cheek, i missed the moment when she wanted to make a drink for my parents and i would always put her on the chair and taught her how to make drinks, i missed all the moments with her. I don’t have any regret at all for now because I think I have used every moment that we have together, but i still cannot let her go.

A few days ago, i asked the doctors whether is it possible or not to do the kidney transplant on her because I wanted to donate my kidney to her. I could still survive with one kidney. The doctors say with her condition like this, it’s almost impossible to do the transplant. Even the best doctor in the world would not do it on her. I understand that. I know the time is very near. I know Lily will leave me very soon. I know that my strength and my love will be gone very soon. I know that. But I just cannot accept it.

But Lily, God knows what is good for you. If leaving me is the best way for you, I will accept it. Abang pasrah. Abang tak boleh lihat Lily terseksa lagi

Love,

Abang

my angel :-)

Haha. this year, my family is blessed with lots of rezeki. Mom got a promotion and has been transferred to Jabatan Pelajaran and dad got a few bonuses. My eldest sister finally has done her practical in the hospital. I, on the other hand, managed to get an offer from St Andrews without interview (which is something rare for medics..hehehe) This year, I supposed to have lots of vacations with my family because after this, things won’t be the same for us. Here is the list of my initial plans for this holiday:

1) Trying to get my homework and studying settled in 2 weeks (in progress)

2) Going for a family vacation to Philippines (failed because Lily is in ICU)

3) Going for a cruise with my sister and our cousin because my cousin has got 3 free tickets (failed because Lily is in ICU)

4) Spending time with Lily (in progress)

5) Trying to know and understand my list of medical issues (in progress)

6) Trying to be my sister’s wedding planner (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. The whole family puts this aside first)

7) Helping my sister with her hantaran for the engagement (done)

8) Planning to go to Langkawi or Karambunai with my friends (failed)

9) Trying to bring Lily to the cinema at least 5 times (failed because Lily is in ICU)

10) Spending lots of time with my eldest sister (in progress)

11) Planning to go to Penang and Batu Feringhi with my eldest sister for the Sg Nibong Pesta: only two of us :-) (failed because Lily is in ICU)

12) Helping my mom to be the interior designer for my sister’s new bedroom (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. My mom will ask her niece to do this for her because my mom is definitely not going to do anything for now)

13) Trying to save up my money for my ‘plan’ with my grandma (in progress)

14) Watching horror movies with Lily (done and finally ended up screaming with her even though she did not understand any single thing :-) )

But the best part of all, I managed to bring her for a shopping *wink* *wink*. And we also managed to do hantaran for our eldest sister

** Ya Allah, I really miss Lily right now. Because before this, if she’s in ICU, I will have the chance to visit her. But, she’s in pediatrics intensive care unit (P ICU) which means, only parents are allowed to visit her. The feeling I’m having right now cannot be expressed in words. It has been a week she’s there, fighting for her life. I miss her smiles, laughs (we have 3 categories of laughing: gelak kaya, gelak miskin, gelak kedekut) and I miss her playing with my nose and ears while I’m sleeping. I miss all her ‘sexy’ dresses and skirts. I miss eating Gani Char koey teow with her. I miss going out at night with her just to buy burgers. I miss bringing her around just to have fresh air. I miss to have a meaningful life back with her and finally i miss seeing her beside me every time after I pray. Whenever she sees someone praying, she will be there just to ask that person praying for her so that she can have a normal life for the first time in her life. Only with Lily, I can be myself, having a meaningful conversation (she’s a good listener even though she cannot talk or walk until now), and only with her, I can have very sincere and honest laughs and smiles (because Lily never have any revenge or dissatisfaction) and only with her beside us, my family will be happy. I never look ‘fake’ in front of her and i feel very empty everytime she’s beside me because all of my problems have gone away. Lily will always smile whenever i speak to her (because that is the only thing she knows how to do) and she will keep on smiling and laughing even when she’s in pain. Every night, I cannot sleep because I will always wake up as I keep on hearing her voice. She is the reason why I always go back to my house every time I have the chance because when the time comes, i do not want to regret not spending ample time with her. Please hold on Lily :-)

Lily and her collection of teddy bears - she has nearly 50 teddy bears. haha. and all of them are still in good conditions

the hantaran that we made together for my sister's engagement - this is what we managed to do before she was admitted to PICU. i think she just holds on for this moment but during the engagement, she didnt look as excited as usual

enjoying the first pancake i made on my own *wink* *wink*

during her 10th birthday at my grandma's house

during the family vacation

Lily just loves pink stuff

doing some weird stuff

this was taken somewhere in Indonesia

this was taken last year (I was wearing the same shirt like the above picture :-p)

Lily just loves posing in front of camera.

on the way to ______ (just forgot..haha... but this was like 2 years ago)

hahaha... some weird pose

this is our 'whateva pose'

with my angel teaching me to do the 'mulut itik'

the 4 stooges :-p (Look at lily. this is her 'Oh My God! It's camera again' pose)

during raya (Lily with her 'do i care about you?' pose)

my first photo using my camera and she's my first model (with her uncut hair that she wanted to keep as she didn't want my grandma to cut it)

hahaha.. my top model posing with my phone :-)

her 12th birthday with my brother...

this is why I cannot see her suffering - she has been fighting for 14 years and this is something easy for her (i hope so) :-) - this photo was taken by my dad even though it was illegal. this is also the reason why you always look me happy because i have to hide my sadness or otherwise, I cannot do anything thinking of her.

this is 'gelak kaya' (opening your mouth very wide and just laugh while showing your sandals to everyone.. hahaha)

look.. she never stop smiling (this is her 'come on. just take my picture' pose)

her smile is my medicine - a very sincere one :-)

this is the reason why we really miss her (she just loves playing around :-) )

lily and her smile :-) posing for my camera (this is her' i know i'm cute. you dont have to say it' pose)

one, two, click!...my sisters posing for my camera

lily, can we take more photos??? Abang will always be here whenever you are ready

....and all i can do is to stay strong :-)

Haha.. it has been ages since the last time I posted something in this blog

My eldest sister got engaged last Saturday and I guess she’s more than ready to grow up and be an adult. Of course at first i went against the plan because she’s still studying (going to finish her practical at the hospital this december). But she knows what is good for her.

Her fiancé is a good guy and I must admit it. My sister gave him a few conditions if he really wants her and he agreed to all the conditions. And most of the conditions i must admit sound very easy to follow but when the time comes, only people who face them will know how hard they are. I recalled one of the conditions: to take good care of our younger sister and let’s say one day they have to take care of her, will he be okay with that. He says he has no problem with that because my ‘angel’ is like pembawa rezeki to all of us.

Lily is in ICU (again). It happened last Thursday after she was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday. She was in the hospital since Monday for the monthly blood transfusion and we planned to bring her for a vacation on Sunday. But, the plan didnt go as planned because she was admitted to ICU on the next day after she was discharged. She was sleeping in the room when suddenly she vomited. i was there, helping to clean up everything on the bed. I then took her to the toilet and my grandma gave her a shower. Meanwhile, i was downstairs to take her clothes and switched off the air-cond. She suddenly fell while sitting and my grandma thought it was due to the coldness because she was shivering while taking the shower. I then helped her to wear a nappy when she started to tremble differently and i know it wasn’t due to the coldness anymore. It was because of the brain problem that she is having due to the kidney failure. I directly called my dad and my mom, took her bag together with the documents and put her in the car. I then drove to the emergency department and my parents were there after a while.

It has been something normal to see her in ICU because this is the fifth time she’s in ICU. Im very strong to face this (and will always be).

She’s happy right now and even in ICU, she can still laugh with the nurses.

How do you feel when you saw her laughing and smile and after 10 minutes, all you know she’s in ICU fighting for her life and after 1 hour in ICU, she started to laugh and smile again.

Even the guards and the doctors there already know us. Even with all the sufferings she’s facing right now, you will always find a smile on her face (something that i will always miss). She’s happy right now and this is the reason why the doctor there did not want to do a dialysis on her even her kidney started to fail. The doctor said that not all treatments are suitable for her and she’s happy the way she is. So, the doctor didn’t want to take it from her by having to do dialysis thrice every week. But of course, she has a very long list of medication.

That’s all from me and of course my parents right now are very worried about her and I, on the other hand, need to look and stay strong for my parents and my grandma. My eldest sister and i know whenever Lily is in ICU, we need to look strong because we cannot see our parents and grandma crying anymore :-). And i also know Lily doesn’t want to see them crying (the reason why she will cry whenever she sees one of my family members is not feeling very well :-) )

If you find me writing too much about my sister, then I want to apologise because i really love her and most of what I have done so far is because of her. :-)