I finally couldnt control my feeling anymore. I totally miss my late sister. I still can remember vividly the moment I blamed God for taking her too soon especially during the most important phase of my life. And finally I let the tears conquer me when I joined the usrah last thursday. It wasn't only the tear of regret, regretting for whatever I did in the past (things which I shall not write it down here) more importantly the tear of anger, being angry to myself for letting the emotions control me. My closest friend once said things happen for a reason for yet we dont know why. But up until know, I still wonder whats the reason behind it. I still cannot figure it out, for yet I was left alone in the world of misery and confusion.
Kak Ada (which I refer as cikgu since she's leading our usrah) told me that she knew something was bothering me the moment she met me, and only last thursday when I burst into tears in front of her.She said apart from whatever I potrayed on the outside, I do have a pure heart. And I still want to believe her. But I couldnt keep myself from asking her, why God is doing this to me after everything He gave to me. She asked me to believe in qada and qadar, and shes ready to help me if I need her help.
Again, im not a type of person who will join any usrah. Well in fact when I was in KY and MCKK, I would run away from joining these activities. Anyone who knows me would say the same thing. Only in Aberdeen, I finally met these people, who arent as judgmental as I thought they would be. But up until now, they still couldnt help me to find the answer, more importantly my purpose of life.
True enough, my sister passed away 1 year ago, and for any normal person, I should have been recovered by now. Some would say I'm taking it so hardly, and some would say I'm a bit emotional. Yes I admit I'm taking it so hard on myself, as for me everything happened so fast and I'm still in the journey of finding the reason behind it. I'm not blaming God for this as He has given every minute for me to reflect and think, but the blame lies on me as I always ask myself, why I still keep Lily hunting me. And still letting myself be drowned in the shadow of the mistakes done in the past. Everything happens so fast, that I don't have time to properly sit and talk with my family. I already discussed with my regent, Dr Affleck as I told her that I couldnt continue like this. This may not affect my academics, but I start to believe it begins to conquer my personality as I can easily get distracted and not working hard enough to achieve my goal. I'm not used to be like this. My personality is strong that everyone who knows me, would have told me the same thing. I now started to be a mediocre, and let destiny take me to wherever she wishes to. Dr Affleck suggested me to take a year off from anything, and I'm seriously thinking about that. As for now, I just want to focus on getting 1st year a glorious one, which I dont have the determination to do so. Up until now, I hope whoever reads this, won't let themselves be in the same misery as I am.
Tok's health is getting worse as she is undergoing another cataract operation for her eyes. On top of that, shes still in the battle fighting with the cancer. Owh Lord, I still have my trust in you and only to you we will return. But I still dont know what to do if I lose Tok, who has been taking care of me since I was small. And please show me the reason behind it... Not only letting me in this world of doubt-ness
2 comments:
Hey zuli,
i wish i can give a solid argument on this matter, but i just don't know where to start. However last few days i had read a very interesting blog post which i think o good example how ones put trust on Allah. She becomes a muslim only 3 years ago, but the the level of faith and trust in Allah
that she has is so amazing.
http://dakwat.org/?p=792
and one more thing, you said you want to start a new life when you get out of malaysia. Do it and i really encourage you to join the usrah and feel the sweetness of tarbiyah. Don't run from reality, Allah has shown you the path, but only YOU can make the decision which path you want.
p/s: remember NAGEB(Khalis Nazib), your new hostel prefect? stalk his profile and see how he has change because of the tarbiyah and i think you know really well how was his attitude back in koleq.
Assalam,
So sorry for your lost... but i actually stumbled into your place when i was searching the internet about which school is better... KYS or MCKK. My son was accepted to both schools but eventually we chose MC, but i need a view from someone who had actually experienced both schools. Can you share your experience n views? thanks a lot!
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