...and i choose the second one :-)

Im back in Kedah for the Chinese New Year break. But, i finally realise that the excitement of going back is no longer there. Perhaps because theres no one there to hug me or maybe because Ive grown up that I finally do not feel homesick.

I had a friendly chat with my eldest sister. She said that I looked different and I replied it by saying that I still feel the loss of Lily. She then told me that people may come and go, but what stays with me is the good memories that I have. I can continue being like this, regretting for not spending enough time with Lily and start blaming the faith, or I can use it as a motivation to have a better future and spend the quality time left with people around me.

And finally, I said that I choose the second one. I need to move on and Im ready for it. Good Bye Lily. Abang has moved on but you will always be remembered :-)

Muah!

KY Manifesto Nights: if and only if

There were manifesto nights for the candidates who want to fight for the posts in the Students’ Council. One of the vice pres candidates, Neelam came with the idea of having people who have been trained with first aid treatment. One guy stood up and said that it is against the law and of course parents won’t let the lives of their children in the hands of the future medic students.

I find this is something stupid to ask, as the idea of having first aid is to be the first treatment that one will have if he’s in emergency. And seeing the health standard in Ky, it is a good thing to have this system (as explained by Neelam) in the first place.

But of course, I was touched by that idea. A month before my sister passed away, she was put under ICU. At first, she had a seizure before she was unconscious. But, the doctor said things would have been better if I knew how to do the first aid treatment during that time. She still might be here if I knew that I should never stop the seizure and try to put her in a sideway position. If i know i should never let it happen for 5 minutes, I might still see her smile now. And this can only happen if I knew i should learn the first aid treatment for her.

That is the thing that i regret until today because as a future medical student, i should know it better. I still put the blame on me.

That’s why, I really support that idea

Moving on...

Lily, Abang finally realises that moving on is the hardest thing Abang has ever done. Even in the college, every time Abang looks around, abang will see many things that will make Abang remember you, the handpone that you were posing with, the camera that Abang took your picture, the pens that you used to write.

Lily, Abang still lives under your shadow. Its hard lily, even though Abang has many people around abang. The great friends that always give moral support to abang, and the great friends that always be beside abang.

Lily, abang thinks its unfair for abang to be like this with all of my friends, knowing that they have done their best to cheer me up. But, abang can’t. just give abang more time and space

Love,

Abang

:-)

Lily, do you still remember this song? This was the song that we sang together in abang’s room. Even though abang’s voice wasn’t that good, you still did not say anything.

Today, abang visited your grave. Abang finally realised that abang has to move on. It’s very hard Lily, knowing the fact that abang has spent 14 years with you. Abang will start my college tomorrow and abang will always remember you. Abang hopes that abang can move on. Insya allah.

Lily, Im so sorry because Abang did not have the chance to bring you to the cinema to watch movies for the last time. But trust me Lily, Abang hasnt watched Ngangkung and Hantu Kak Limah too because Abang has promised to bring you to watch these two movies. But, adik bought Ngangkung just now and abang watched it. Lily, you dont have to be dissapointed because the movie wasnt that good as we always imagined. Lily, you dont have to be worried. Abang wont forget you even though Abang will be going out watching movies with other people because watching movies with you is not the same. trust me :-)

** Lily, abang has put the flowers that you love to smell on your grave. Abang hopes you can smell them from wherever you are :-). And abang promise to you Lily, abang will try to smile and be 'Abang' Back. Insya allah :-)

30 dec 2010 @ 9.30 am

Miza Liyana@Lily: 1996 - 2010

Lily, it has been a week since you left us. The house seems a little bit gloomy. Everyone is sad. It has been a month too Abang did not hear any laugh at all. It’s very hard to see everyone smile. Lily, do you still remember that we have 3 types of laughing? Gelak kaya, gelak miskin, and gelak kedekut? Abang haven’t listened any of those for such a very long time. Everyone is missing you, especially mama, abah and tok. Mama looked very calm the day you died. She didn’t talk that much. 2 days after you left us, abang saw mama crying alone in the room. Abang understands that. Mama has spent half of her life with you. You have been a part of her life. Mama cried, whenever she washed and ironed the clothes because mama always imagined you were there.

Tok has not been smiling for a very long time. Today, we made flowers for kakak’s wedding. Tok told abang that she wished Lily was there. If you were here, you would have been there until we have done making those flowers. Tok cried in her house. Lily, tok is very closed with you. Tok has been taking good care of you since you were young. Abang understands that. But at the same time too, abang wished that abang could do something to cheer her up. But abang didn’t know what to do. If you were here, you would know how to cheer her up even though you couldn’t walk or talk. Tok really missed your smile.

On the third night you left us, abang saw abah at the back. Abah never showed to us that he really loved us because abah is being abah. He always hides his emotions. Lily, abang accidentally saw abah cried at the back. When abang was there, abah immediately wiped his tears. Lily, until now abah regretted that he didn’t have the chance to bring you to Surabaya as he promised to you before. Abah has changed a lot lily. He didn’t talk that much. He always keeps quiet. Abah looked very sad. Even the whole family has changed. We didn’t talk that much anymore. A few nights ago, abah sent this to abang:

Salam. Setiap hari abah berdoa untuk anak-anak dan family. Masa hidup anak-anak abah bagaikan emas permata. Setiap detik amat perlu untuk berjaya. Ini pesan abah.

Abang cried after reading his sms. Abah never sent anything like this to abang. Abah really missed you. He wished that he would have spent more time with you. He wished that he would never be afraid to bring you anywhere. Abah and mama went out together that night because they couldn’t sleep. They really missed you

Kakak felt the most about losing you because she wished that she didn’t scold you the day when it was her turn to take care of you in the hospital. Lily, did you remember that kakak scolded you when you asked her to hug you? Kakak is a very tough person. She didn’t like hugging people or showing her emotions to people. But, the day you died, she cried. She wished that she didn’t scold you. She wished that she could change that.

Lily, adik also cried. But, he is too young to understand this. He cried but he didn’t know why. Abang told him that Lily left us forever. Abang told her that you will sleep there until we meet you very soon. He understood. But, it’s very easy for him to forget you because he’s too young.

Lily, you have touched so many people’s lives. The day you died, many people visited you in the hospital. They asked your mom to bath you at the hospital before you were being buried. Not only the nurses, but the doctors and also the patients. Lily, they said that it was very easy to bath you. abang know that because you have been kind and good to everyone. You have no revenge and sin at all. Mom told abang, when you were dying, more than 20 doctors came to try their best to rescue you. They were there until you are no longer with us. The doctors have done their best. They felt the loss of you. Why? Abang hoped lily still remembered that all the nurses and doctors there called you Ziana Zain because you loved to sing (even though during the injections and blood tranfusions). They missed hearing your loud voice. You cheered people up. Many of mom’s friends cried. They cried because they would not see you on the chair near mama’s table every time mama brought you to the office. They wouldn’t see you sitting on the chair anymore, playing with the computer as if you were busy typing something. Abah’s friends also felt the same thing. They missed calling you ‘Dek Na’. They missed you calling them to enter the house even though they didn’t understand any single thing. That’s why, the day you left us, they used their own pocket money to do a ‘kenduri’ for you. They thought that they have to do something. Lily, you have influenced many of people’s lives. Everyone is missing you. Last day, you teachers visited us. They missed you singing rama-rama with them. They give moral support to us that life must go on. Abang understand that. But the whole family is not the same without you. No one is there cheer everyone up. Abang didnt know what to do. But abang believe that God has decided what’s good for us. Abang pasrah. lily, abang hoped you can read and listen to this from wherever you are. when you died, everyone who looked at you said that you looked very calm as if you were sleeping. Abang told them, you looked very calm because you had a pure and clean heart. You not like everyone else. You are very strong because you have been fighting this for 14 years.

Lily, abang wants to say sorry because even though abang is prepared for this, abang still cannot accept it. Abang still blame myself because abang didn’t spend the final week very well with you. You left us when it was abang’s turn to be there with you in the hospital. Abang supposed to be there that morning, but God has a better plan for you. Abang try to accept that. But abang can’t. Lily, abang was beside you, reciting yaasin until you were buried. Abang was there, managing and helping to bury you because abah couldn't do that on his own. He was not that strong. Abang was about to cry, but Abang didn't because people said that its not good to cry if front of the dead body because the person will not leave us in peace. Abang knew that. Abang pretended to be strong, hiding all my feelings while helping to bury you. It has been a month abang didn’t go out from the house. It has been a month no one played with my nose. It has been a month abang didn’t bring anyone for a walk. Abang didn’t know what to do. From the moment you were in ICU to the moment you left us, abang have been here in the house, waiting for you to come back so that abang can bring you to anywhere you like. It has been a month abang didn’t have anyone to talk with. Lily, you were (are) the closest person abang has ever had in my life. Losing you is like losing my best friend. Losing you is like losing half of myself. You are my soul. You are my love. You have influenced abang’s life more than anyone. What abang has done so far is because of you. We shared the same things in common. Right now, abang didn’t know to whom abang should talk with whenever abang has a problem. Even though you couldn’t talk, your smile was more than enough to solve abang’s problem. Nobody understands that we are more than just brother and sister. We are friends. We are like the heart and the soul. Lily, abang has not been laughing and talking to anyone. When our relatives visited us, they asked why abang kept quiet. But why can’t they understand that abang has lost half of myself. Abang is not the same anymore. Why should abang be happy if abang cannot have fun except with you? Only with Lily abang can be myself. And only with lily abang can sincerely laugh and smile. Abang don’t know what to do now

Lily, abang is not that strong. Abang missed you. Abang missed you posing in front of camera. Abang know that abang has to accept it. Abang will try my best. Lily, abang will start my college very soon. Abang hope that abang can eventually forget about you, even though it’s very hard. The 14 years abang spent with you will be the most memorable ones in my life. Abang missed you. Abang hoped Lily will wait for abang because abang will be there soon, being in the place where you are right now. Bye lily. See you soon. Abang has to move on even though it’s very hard. You are still my love, lily.

Love,

Abang

** Lily left us on 30th Dec 2010 at 9.30 am due to multiple complications from Thalassemia Major that she was suffering since she was small. after 14 years of fighting, she left us for good. Al-Fatihah

p/s: the writer would like to apologise to all his friends for not returning any of your sms or phone call because the writer is not ready yet to talk to anyone. The writer is so sorry but he really appreciates all the calls and smses