Apple is Lily's reflection - That's why I love Apple :-)

Many people ask me why I was/am so nice to Apple. Yes I admit, i spend most of my time and attention on Apple, because Apple is Lily’s reflection/shadow. Apple always smiles, just like Lily, even when both of them really have so many problems in life (Apple has many problems that others don’t know – and Apple only shared with me while Lily had serious health problems, bearing the pain she was suffering). Both of them have tahi lalat at the back of their necks, exactly at the same spot (a little bit on their right side). Apple has quite a smelly mouth, just like Lily. Both of them have pretty large nose and ears. Apple is quite good looking, while Lily is/was totally cute. Both of them have pretty bright and flawless skin. Apple is very easy going, very easy to make friends, just like Lily. Apple has short hair because Apple is quite lazy to comb hair, just like Lily. Apple and Lily both have something in their eyes, something that I feel much calmer whenever I look into their eyes. Enough to make me feel better. Apple has pretty long fingers, just like Lily. Both of them have quite smelly hair. That’s why, whatever I did to Lily (hugging, shampoo-ing, cutting nails, playing with hair), i always did that to Apple even though sometimes, Apple didn’t feel comfortable with it. The only thing that is different is that, Apple can walk and talk while Lily can’t do both.

Everyday, I miss Lily and the only way to avoid me from thinking too much of Lily and starting to lose myself is by looking at Apple. Everytime I look at Apple, I always imagine myself looking at Lily. Everytime i tell Apple anything on the basis that Apple will be a good listener (like Lily), I always imagine Lily. That’s why I was/am so nice to Apple. Looking at Apple’s face is enough to fulfill my day.

(Perhaps because Apple shared many things with me made me even more close and nice to Apple)

Apple never treated me badly, nor more than just a friend. For Apple, I’m just a normal friend that Apple can find anywhere, without leaving any good memories at all. I was expecting too much and was hoping that I could be very close to Apple, but I know the feeling wasn’t mutual at all for Apple. But, i don’t mind if that’s the price I have to pay to look at Apple’s/Lily’s face, to be close to Apple. I never keep anything Apple did to me in my heart, nor planning to make Apple’s life miserable, because if I did/do anything to Apple, it’s the same thing I did to Lily, and I can’t afford to do that. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose Apple, because I have lost Lily. I’m done wasting my attention and time on Apple because I believe I’m worth of something better than this (Apple never appreciate it). At the same time, I miss Apple and forgive everything Apple did to me, just like how I miss and remember Lily.

I’m still hoping that our relationship will be better after this, but I won’t be the one fixing our relationship, let it be Apple who starts it first. I totally miss Apple so much and I hope Apple feels the same thing. I love Apple the way I love Lily, and I hope Apple loves me the same way. I never told Apple about this, as I don’t want Apple to think that I’m expecting too much. This will only put our relationship in risk as Apple will be afraid that Apple will never reach the expectation I have put. I have to move on even though it’s hard as I’m thinking too much of Lily. Some said I take this too personally and yeah, I admit it because you just don’t know how much I miss and love Lily, the way I love and miss Apple,

In fact during my final week in KYUEM, I was hoping to spend more time with Apple because that should be the last time I see Lily/Apple. But, things didn’t turn out very well and I regret. I regret it.

This is the last time I talk about Apple and I’m still hoping Apple will fix this relationship (if Apple cares to do so). But yeah, i dont think that will happen. I still have a bright future ahead and I should look forward to it, without thinking too much of anything else that comes along the way :-). My good memories with Apple and Lily shall be kept and both of them really have a special place in my heart.

**Today, i cleaned up Lily’s room. Even after 6 months, nothing seems to change that much. Every night, I still have a dream of Lily. Im done crying but Im not done thinking of her. Im sorry if you think Im too much. But yeah, I admit it because Lily was/is my person.

..the end..

It has been 1 week since I graduated from KYUEM. Finally, my life in KYUEM is over. Yes I admit, entering KYUEM may not be the best experience I have ever had in my life, but surely I miss my friends there, especially Naim and Puan Halijah. Perhaps, 2 years in KYUEM are the toughest year in my life so far. I guess it’s because I’m still being shadowed by my good memories back then in MCKK. In KYUEM, for the first time in my life, I had problems with studies as I lost my focus a lot, Lily passed away during this time, and I lost myself a little bit. I started neglecting my good friends from MCKK. I don’t put the blame on KYUEM because for me, KYUEM is the best place to meet people. I put the blame on me for not being myself and for losing myself.

Thank you KYUEM. I will surely miss KYUEM

*******************************************************************

Dear Apple,

I’m sorry for expecting too much from you. I thought you could be a good listener to me since Lily passed away. I thought you could provide me the support when I felt so lonely. But, I was wrong. I was so nice to you, but you still didn’t treat me very well. For you, I’m just a normal friend, passing by in your life. I hope one day, you will realize that you cannot treat people like that. I’m done wasting my time and attention on you until I started not to appreciate people around me. And finally, I realized that you are not worth any of my kindness and attention anymore. Bye. See you soon because I have to start forgetting you and erasing you from my life.

Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Form

For some, DNR is just another medical term, a condition in which when the heart fails, the doctors will never make any attempt to start the heart back.

For me, DNR is more than that. My mom signed the form when Lily was in ICU. My mom wanted Lily to go in peace. My mom knew that when the time came, she wanted to be beside Lily, seeing Lily for the last time. My mom knew that the doctors would do nothing to make Lily breath again once she signed the form.

I just knew it a few weeks ago. I just hoped i could be beside my mom and gave a shoulder to cry when the heart beat machine didnt show any signal at all.

This is not about giving up in medicine, nor losing faith in the power of medicine, this is about seeing the one you love the most leave you with pride and dignity.

Mom, please stop crying. I know I’m not Lily to be there and cheer you up, but I know how much you love her. And you are doing the right thing :-)

when my heart starts to cry.......

The fear is getting stronger. So many regrets. I wish i can turn the clock back and be myself. the true ZULIKHWAN who has nothing to stop him from achieving what he wants. My chemistry papers were totally horrible. I know I shouldnt say this but getting 3As seems so hard now

I have many friends, but i wish i can have someone to tell about everything. I wish I can have Lily now. Im totally depressed and sorry, im not in the mood for any ‘friendly’ chatting at all

I want to cry but i cant because I have cried too much. Please, I want to get everything done as soon as possible

**this is so hard :-(. A levels is fair. It’s just me not being fair to myself

In the midst of A levels

Im in the midst of A levels right now. I just hope i can get everything done as quickly as possible. During this stressful time, I just want to keep myself emotionally stable without thinking too much of anything else. But, of course, I can easily get annoyed with people. I know it’s not their problem, because it all starts from me. Please, let time fly as fast as possible. And A-levels, please be nice to me. My papers so far were quite good but next week is going to be a very hard time for me. I will be having 5 papers next week.

Owh, i wish I can have Lily at this moment to tell her everything about my problems. :-(

** Thanks Safrizal for helping me with Maths so far. It has been very nice studying with you

the final lap

Next week is my final exam for A Levels. This will determine whether my efforts for 20 years are worth or not. This will determine whether my dream to be a doctor will be a reality or not. This will be the moment in which i will disappoint Lilly or not. Mama and abah too

With so many things happening to me, I really wish I can get at least 3As to go to Queen Mary, London. There, I hope I can start everything again. The turning point of my life.

These 14 papers will determine my future. I just feel I have not done enough even though I have been studying up until 2 am every day. My Lord, please help me...

I also hope i can be with my friends there. Zamri and Naim, thank you for studying together with me. I hope i can join both of you in London

today

i went back to my house in Kedah not only to ask my parents' blessings for the coming exam, but also to plant a few flowering trees at lily's grave. Lily loved kemboja, so my dad asked me to plant 2 kemboja trees at her grave. And Lily also loved pink, so my sister and I went to almost all plant nurseries and we finally bought 2 trees that produce white flowers with red at the edge of each petal. very unique

after this, i will work very hard for my A levels.. i really wish to get all the grades because once i get to the uk, i will start being myself back.. i promise

April 24th, 2011

Yes Lily. Abang knows it’s your birthday today. Your birthday is on the same day as Ashee’s birthday. That’s why, abang went out during the weekend, spending 2 days at Pak Teh’s house. Otherwise, abang has to attend ashee’s birthday party at Mid Valley. Abang can’t even though she’s my friend. Otherwise, abang’s tears will start to burst again, thinking of you..

Today, mama wanted to celebrate your birthday, which is also the same day as Tok’s birthday. Mama made a kenduri arwah at your school. She also brought a few cakes to your second home, the pediatrics clinic. The whole family also celebrated Tok’s birthday. Kakak told abang that Tok cried because usually it has always been you and her, cutting the cake together. You are now 15 and abang hopes you will continue to be happy. Smile, from wherever you are

· Thank you Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir for visiting me

· Thank you Naim, Zamri and Asri for being with me during the weekend. We really had a great time together

the SHIT feeling :-(

Sometimes, whenever you start feeling like shit, like someone is shitting on your face, or you start losing pieces of yourself, the only way to stand back and fight is by remembering Him. He is always there whenever you feel like losing everyone….

My Lord, please help me to go through this. I’m not that strong, and at the same time I hope all my hard work for the past 20 years will bring me to the dream that I want to be. I’m doing this for Lily and myself. I just need 3 A’s to get there. Pls

** Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir are going to visit me here in KY today. Sometimes I feel very guilty for not spending time with them. At the end, they still come and visit me. God, please forgive me

of being thankful and SPM :-)

Alhamdulillah. Thats the only word that can fully describe my life so far. Good things happened even when they took so long to take place. Currently receiving 3 offers from St. Andrews, Queen Mary and Aberdeen. Of course my dream place will be Queen Mary as I plan to be in London because of so many things (bear in mind that this is not just about the excitement of London only :-) ). But, at the end, my sponsor will make the decision for me and I have a very strong feeling that they want me to go to Aberdeen due to the great reputation of Aberdeen medical school (as it is ranked 3^rd behind Oxford and Cambridge). It doesnt matter when Im going to study, as long as Ill become a doctor, that is more than enough for me.

Life is pretty good for me. My sister got married and I guess that was the best wedding ever because I only have 1 sister after I have lost one. The good thing is that my sister finally met her perfect husband, as this person loved my sister since they were in school. For 6 years, he loved my sister from a distance and only 4 years ago he came and met my parents. Her husband is nice and i must admit it. He never touched my sister’s hand and there must always be a third person when they went out. And i still remembered the first gift that he gave to my sister was Al-Quran. Their relationship is based on Islam and I hope they will continue to be happy. My sister is currently waiting for her first posting and she is hoping to be in Alor Setar Hospital

Talking about myself, i guess Im fine right now. Im enjoying myself with people around me, friends and family. Things at home get better now and for the first time, my family is back to nearly normal (im just giving them more time). But, the only thing Im afraid right now is A-Levels. As I told in the previous post, I dont really have the determination and focus like I had for SPM but im trying my best. I just hope everything will be fine.

The SPM result was released and surprisingly, my school , MCKK improved drastically that they got 52 people getting straight As and they became the first in Perak. Kudos to Batch 0610 and of course Shahir, the closest friend I have from that batch. Im hoping that he will choose whatever is good for him as he plans to be an economist. You go Shahir :-)

I still remember at this time a few years back then when I received the SPM result. My parents were not that worried as I always showed consistency in my examinations (not like A-Levels :-( ). But of course, the fear was still there. When I received the result, i was very happy. Getting all A1s in all subjects including GCE0 1119 was something for me and my family. I received so many smses and from that moment i knew my dream to be a doctor will be a reality. And when I received the Bank Negara scholarship, i knew that Im just a step closer to my dream. Thats why I hope I wont blow my chance. I want to be a doctor and the dream is getting stronger. A-Level is not like SPM, not the hardness of the syllabus, but because I am not that prepared for it. So many things happened and I just hope I can go abroad and be a successful doctor which will reflect myself as a person.

Enough with writing and I hope you can pray for me. Pls... Thank you :-)

(i finally realise that this is my first post that I dont talk much about Lily. Im so proud of it that I finally move on)

this post was meant to be 2 weeks ago.. sorry

It has been a while since the last time I updated this blog. I will continue writing, it is just that Im currently busy with my university applications. I got rejected by Newcasle and Edinburgh :-( without interview, got an offer from St. Andrews without interview, interviews from Aberdeen and Queen Mary and will be going for interviews for National University of Ireland and RCSI. Will be applying to New South Wales Australia and James Cook.

I just dont know, the path that I plan is not clear anymore. With the fear of not being able to go overseas this year, i began to be conquered by it. Done with IELTS and I got Band 8. But, what keeps me pushing myself is the amanah from Lily. I want to be a doctor for a clear reason, it is just that the path seems to be unclear now. I plan so many things, but they dont turn out the way they should be. My closest friend in KYUEM told me that Im not the old Zulikhwan that he knows, the successful, happy go lucky, brilliant and confident bitch. I told him that I dont know what to say. I just go with the flow. What i know is that I really need this, the opportunity to go abroad so that I can start all over again.

This is not just about the death of my sister, nor my parents who keep blaming me for the loss of Lily (which I dont want to get into that), but this is also about being myself back, and the only way is to start everything all over again....

Shikin: moving on and let someone go are two different things. You may have moved on, but you just cannot let her go.

I know that Shikin. Sometimes, i just admire your courage, determination and strength to continue this even though you have lost 2 most important people in your life :-)

*** A-Level is killing me slowly. It is not that hard, it is just that I dont have the focus and determination like I have for SPM :-). Hope everything will be fine. Insya allah

life so far

.angry.sad.confused. disappointed.

*blank*

it's a blend of so many emotions and feelings but I swear I'm not that derhaka. Im still the old ZULIKHWAN

Rindu :-(

Hehehe.. the feeling has come back again, Lily. It's getting stronger during Abang's birthday. Abang woke up just to realise that this year is different because Abang will no longer receive the first gift, you hug that you always give during Abang's birthday. hehehe. Abang missed you staring at abang, waiting for abang to wake up on Abang's special day and hug.

Lily, Abang swears that Abang has moved on. It's just that the feeling of missing you comes once in a while :-)

Lily, abang has put the flowers on your grave for the second time. Abang promises abang will try to put them everytime Abang goes back home

Rindu :-(. Abang also thinks that Abang has become crazy. hehehe. Abang is afraid that it may jeopardise Abang's study.....

...and i choose the second one :-)

Im back in Kedah for the Chinese New Year break. But, i finally realise that the excitement of going back is no longer there. Perhaps because theres no one there to hug me or maybe because Ive grown up that I finally do not feel homesick.

I had a friendly chat with my eldest sister. She said that I looked different and I replied it by saying that I still feel the loss of Lily. She then told me that people may come and go, but what stays with me is the good memories that I have. I can continue being like this, regretting for not spending enough time with Lily and start blaming the faith, or I can use it as a motivation to have a better future and spend the quality time left with people around me.

And finally, I said that I choose the second one. I need to move on and Im ready for it. Good Bye Lily. Abang has moved on but you will always be remembered :-)

Muah!

KY Manifesto Nights: if and only if

There were manifesto nights for the candidates who want to fight for the posts in the Students’ Council. One of the vice pres candidates, Neelam came with the idea of having people who have been trained with first aid treatment. One guy stood up and said that it is against the law and of course parents won’t let the lives of their children in the hands of the future medic students.

I find this is something stupid to ask, as the idea of having first aid is to be the first treatment that one will have if he’s in emergency. And seeing the health standard in Ky, it is a good thing to have this system (as explained by Neelam) in the first place.

But of course, I was touched by that idea. A month before my sister passed away, she was put under ICU. At first, she had a seizure before she was unconscious. But, the doctor said things would have been better if I knew how to do the first aid treatment during that time. She still might be here if I knew that I should never stop the seizure and try to put her in a sideway position. If i know i should never let it happen for 5 minutes, I might still see her smile now. And this can only happen if I knew i should learn the first aid treatment for her.

That is the thing that i regret until today because as a future medical student, i should know it better. I still put the blame on me.

That’s why, I really support that idea

Moving on...

Lily, Abang finally realises that moving on is the hardest thing Abang has ever done. Even in the college, every time Abang looks around, abang will see many things that will make Abang remember you, the handpone that you were posing with, the camera that Abang took your picture, the pens that you used to write.

Lily, Abang still lives under your shadow. Its hard lily, even though Abang has many people around abang. The great friends that always give moral support to abang, and the great friends that always be beside abang.

Lily, abang thinks its unfair for abang to be like this with all of my friends, knowing that they have done their best to cheer me up. But, abang can’t. just give abang more time and space

Love,

Abang