life so far

.angry.sad.confused. disappointed.

*blank*

it's a blend of so many emotions and feelings but I swear I'm not that derhaka. Im still the old ZULIKHWAN

Rindu :-(

Hehehe.. the feeling has come back again, Lily. It's getting stronger during Abang's birthday. Abang woke up just to realise that this year is different because Abang will no longer receive the first gift, you hug that you always give during Abang's birthday. hehehe. Abang missed you staring at abang, waiting for abang to wake up on Abang's special day and hug.

Lily, Abang swears that Abang has moved on. It's just that the feeling of missing you comes once in a while :-)

Lily, abang has put the flowers on your grave for the second time. Abang promises abang will try to put them everytime Abang goes back home

Rindu :-(. Abang also thinks that Abang has become crazy. hehehe. Abang is afraid that it may jeopardise Abang's study.....

...and i choose the second one :-)

Im back in Kedah for the Chinese New Year break. But, i finally realise that the excitement of going back is no longer there. Perhaps because theres no one there to hug me or maybe because Ive grown up that I finally do not feel homesick.

I had a friendly chat with my eldest sister. She said that I looked different and I replied it by saying that I still feel the loss of Lily. She then told me that people may come and go, but what stays with me is the good memories that I have. I can continue being like this, regretting for not spending enough time with Lily and start blaming the faith, or I can use it as a motivation to have a better future and spend the quality time left with people around me.

And finally, I said that I choose the second one. I need to move on and Im ready for it. Good Bye Lily. Abang has moved on but you will always be remembered :-)

Muah!

KY Manifesto Nights: if and only if

There were manifesto nights for the candidates who want to fight for the posts in the Students’ Council. One of the vice pres candidates, Neelam came with the idea of having people who have been trained with first aid treatment. One guy stood up and said that it is against the law and of course parents won’t let the lives of their children in the hands of the future medic students.

I find this is something stupid to ask, as the idea of having first aid is to be the first treatment that one will have if he’s in emergency. And seeing the health standard in Ky, it is a good thing to have this system (as explained by Neelam) in the first place.

But of course, I was touched by that idea. A month before my sister passed away, she was put under ICU. At first, she had a seizure before she was unconscious. But, the doctor said things would have been better if I knew how to do the first aid treatment during that time. She still might be here if I knew that I should never stop the seizure and try to put her in a sideway position. If i know i should never let it happen for 5 minutes, I might still see her smile now. And this can only happen if I knew i should learn the first aid treatment for her.

That is the thing that i regret until today because as a future medical student, i should know it better. I still put the blame on me.

That’s why, I really support that idea

Moving on...

Lily, Abang finally realises that moving on is the hardest thing Abang has ever done. Even in the college, every time Abang looks around, abang will see many things that will make Abang remember you, the handpone that you were posing with, the camera that Abang took your picture, the pens that you used to write.

Lily, Abang still lives under your shadow. Its hard lily, even though Abang has many people around abang. The great friends that always give moral support to abang, and the great friends that always be beside abang.

Lily, abang thinks its unfair for abang to be like this with all of my friends, knowing that they have done their best to cheer me up. But, abang can’t. just give abang more time and space

Love,

Abang

:-)

Lily, do you still remember this song? This was the song that we sang together in abang’s room. Even though abang’s voice wasn’t that good, you still did not say anything.

Today, abang visited your grave. Abang finally realised that abang has to move on. It’s very hard Lily, knowing the fact that abang has spent 14 years with you. Abang will start my college tomorrow and abang will always remember you. Abang hopes that abang can move on. Insya allah.

Lily, Im so sorry because Abang did not have the chance to bring you to the cinema to watch movies for the last time. But trust me Lily, Abang hasnt watched Ngangkung and Hantu Kak Limah too because Abang has promised to bring you to watch these two movies. But, adik bought Ngangkung just now and abang watched it. Lily, you dont have to be dissapointed because the movie wasnt that good as we always imagined. Lily, you dont have to be worried. Abang wont forget you even though Abang will be going out watching movies with other people because watching movies with you is not the same. trust me :-)

** Lily, abang has put the flowers that you love to smell on your grave. Abang hopes you can smell them from wherever you are :-). And abang promise to you Lily, abang will try to smile and be 'Abang' Back. Insya allah :-)

30 dec 2010 @ 9.30 am

Miza Liyana@Lily: 1996 - 2010

Lily, it has been a week since you left us. The house seems a little bit gloomy. Everyone is sad. It has been a month too Abang did not hear any laugh at all. It’s very hard to see everyone smile. Lily, do you still remember that we have 3 types of laughing? Gelak kaya, gelak miskin, and gelak kedekut? Abang haven’t listened any of those for such a very long time. Everyone is missing you, especially mama, abah and tok. Mama looked very calm the day you died. She didn’t talk that much. 2 days after you left us, abang saw mama crying alone in the room. Abang understands that. Mama has spent half of her life with you. You have been a part of her life. Mama cried, whenever she washed and ironed the clothes because mama always imagined you were there.

Tok has not been smiling for a very long time. Today, we made flowers for kakak’s wedding. Tok told abang that she wished Lily was there. If you were here, you would have been there until we have done making those flowers. Tok cried in her house. Lily, tok is very closed with you. Tok has been taking good care of you since you were young. Abang understands that. But at the same time too, abang wished that abang could do something to cheer her up. But abang didn’t know what to do. If you were here, you would know how to cheer her up even though you couldn’t walk or talk. Tok really missed your smile.

On the third night you left us, abang saw abah at the back. Abah never showed to us that he really loved us because abah is being abah. He always hides his emotions. Lily, abang accidentally saw abah cried at the back. When abang was there, abah immediately wiped his tears. Lily, until now abah regretted that he didn’t have the chance to bring you to Surabaya as he promised to you before. Abah has changed a lot lily. He didn’t talk that much. He always keeps quiet. Abah looked very sad. Even the whole family has changed. We didn’t talk that much anymore. A few nights ago, abah sent this to abang:

Salam. Setiap hari abah berdoa untuk anak-anak dan family. Masa hidup anak-anak abah bagaikan emas permata. Setiap detik amat perlu untuk berjaya. Ini pesan abah.

Abang cried after reading his sms. Abah never sent anything like this to abang. Abah really missed you. He wished that he would have spent more time with you. He wished that he would never be afraid to bring you anywhere. Abah and mama went out together that night because they couldn’t sleep. They really missed you

Kakak felt the most about losing you because she wished that she didn’t scold you the day when it was her turn to take care of you in the hospital. Lily, did you remember that kakak scolded you when you asked her to hug you? Kakak is a very tough person. She didn’t like hugging people or showing her emotions to people. But, the day you died, she cried. She wished that she didn’t scold you. She wished that she could change that.

Lily, adik also cried. But, he is too young to understand this. He cried but he didn’t know why. Abang told him that Lily left us forever. Abang told her that you will sleep there until we meet you very soon. He understood. But, it’s very easy for him to forget you because he’s too young.

Lily, you have touched so many people’s lives. The day you died, many people visited you in the hospital. They asked your mom to bath you at the hospital before you were being buried. Not only the nurses, but the doctors and also the patients. Lily, they said that it was very easy to bath you. abang know that because you have been kind and good to everyone. You have no revenge and sin at all. Mom told abang, when you were dying, more than 20 doctors came to try their best to rescue you. They were there until you are no longer with us. The doctors have done their best. They felt the loss of you. Why? Abang hoped lily still remembered that all the nurses and doctors there called you Ziana Zain because you loved to sing (even though during the injections and blood tranfusions). They missed hearing your loud voice. You cheered people up. Many of mom’s friends cried. They cried because they would not see you on the chair near mama’s table every time mama brought you to the office. They wouldn’t see you sitting on the chair anymore, playing with the computer as if you were busy typing something. Abah’s friends also felt the same thing. They missed calling you ‘Dek Na’. They missed you calling them to enter the house even though they didn’t understand any single thing. That’s why, the day you left us, they used their own pocket money to do a ‘kenduri’ for you. They thought that they have to do something. Lily, you have influenced many of people’s lives. Everyone is missing you. Last day, you teachers visited us. They missed you singing rama-rama with them. They give moral support to us that life must go on. Abang understand that. But the whole family is not the same without you. No one is there cheer everyone up. Abang didnt know what to do. But abang believe that God has decided what’s good for us. Abang pasrah. lily, abang hoped you can read and listen to this from wherever you are. when you died, everyone who looked at you said that you looked very calm as if you were sleeping. Abang told them, you looked very calm because you had a pure and clean heart. You not like everyone else. You are very strong because you have been fighting this for 14 years.

Lily, abang wants to say sorry because even though abang is prepared for this, abang still cannot accept it. Abang still blame myself because abang didn’t spend the final week very well with you. You left us when it was abang’s turn to be there with you in the hospital. Abang supposed to be there that morning, but God has a better plan for you. Abang try to accept that. But abang can’t. Lily, abang was beside you, reciting yaasin until you were buried. Abang was there, managing and helping to bury you because abah couldn't do that on his own. He was not that strong. Abang was about to cry, but Abang didn't because people said that its not good to cry if front of the dead body because the person will not leave us in peace. Abang knew that. Abang pretended to be strong, hiding all my feelings while helping to bury you. It has been a month abang didn’t go out from the house. It has been a month no one played with my nose. It has been a month abang didn’t bring anyone for a walk. Abang didn’t know what to do. From the moment you were in ICU to the moment you left us, abang have been here in the house, waiting for you to come back so that abang can bring you to anywhere you like. It has been a month abang didn’t have anyone to talk with. Lily, you were (are) the closest person abang has ever had in my life. Losing you is like losing my best friend. Losing you is like losing half of myself. You are my soul. You are my love. You have influenced abang’s life more than anyone. What abang has done so far is because of you. We shared the same things in common. Right now, abang didn’t know to whom abang should talk with whenever abang has a problem. Even though you couldn’t talk, your smile was more than enough to solve abang’s problem. Nobody understands that we are more than just brother and sister. We are friends. We are like the heart and the soul. Lily, abang has not been laughing and talking to anyone. When our relatives visited us, they asked why abang kept quiet. But why can’t they understand that abang has lost half of myself. Abang is not the same anymore. Why should abang be happy if abang cannot have fun except with you? Only with Lily abang can be myself. And only with lily abang can sincerely laugh and smile. Abang don’t know what to do now

Lily, abang is not that strong. Abang missed you. Abang missed you posing in front of camera. Abang know that abang has to accept it. Abang will try my best. Lily, abang will start my college very soon. Abang hope that abang can eventually forget about you, even though it’s very hard. The 14 years abang spent with you will be the most memorable ones in my life. Abang missed you. Abang hoped Lily will wait for abang because abang will be there soon, being in the place where you are right now. Bye lily. See you soon. Abang has to move on even though it’s very hard. You are still my love, lily.

Love,

Abang

** Lily left us on 30th Dec 2010 at 9.30 am due to multiple complications from Thalassemia Major that she was suffering since she was small. after 14 years of fighting, she left us for good. Al-Fatihah

p/s: the writer would like to apologise to all his friends for not returning any of your sms or phone call because the writer is not ready yet to talk to anyone. The writer is so sorry but he really appreciates all the calls and smses

my dream

Lily loves hugging people like that :-)

Last night, I had a dream. I dreamed about Lily. Lily was running towards me and called me ‘Abang’.

The doctors finally allowed us to visit her. I went there once. What I could do was not more than just standing there for a minute when my tears finally started to flow.

Second time, i just visited her for 10 seconds. That was only to send my grandma because she didn’t know where Lily’s room is. Third time was also to send my grandma. I’m sorry. I just cannot be there. I will cry. Because I always imagine her playing with me. So, I cannot see her with wires all over her body. Frankly speaking, she’s more than just a sister to me. She’s my friend. She’s a listener. She’s there whenever i need someone to be with me. At home, i never go out with my friends (this is true) because i usually go out with Lily even to watch movies or go for window shopping. Now, it has been 2 weeks i never go out from my house (except to go to the hospital). Am i a good brother if i don’t be beside my sister even when I can see her? I know i should have been beside her going through all this, but i can’t! i will cry.

I pretend that Lily is ok. I pretend that nothing has even happened. I pretend that Lily is here. I try to be happy by chatting with people, commenting on people’s photos and calling people. But, i finally realise that everything I have done for the past 2 weeks was not more than just trying to run away from the fact that I really miss Lily! everything is useless.

The doctors finally told us that they could not do anything. They wanted to do dialysis on her, but they just cannot see her suffer anymore. They wanted her to be happy. They just hoped that Lily can go through this. They cannot do anything anymore.

Lily, today abang made the cheese cake that you really like. Abang was happy doing it because Abang knew that someone would have craved for it. But when Abang put it on the table, Abang finally realised that Lily wasn’t there. Abang threw that cheese cake because no one ate it. Abang forgot that you are in the hospital, fighting for your life. How could Abang be like this? Sorry Lily, Abang just forgot. Sorry Lily, Abang wasn’t (isn’t) a good brother after all.

When I was young, i always pray to God. I always pray that God will change my place with her (like in the movie when you exchanged your body with someone). I always want to see her to get better. But i know, it was only a dream. Not more than that. I just need to live in the real world. I missed the moment when we watched movies together, i missed the moment when she played with my nose, i missed the moment of hugging her, i missed her kissing my cheek, i missed the moment when she wanted to make a drink for my parents and i would always put her on the chair and taught her how to make drinks, i missed all the moments with her. I don’t have any regret at all for now because I think I have used every moment that we have together, but i still cannot let her go.

A few days ago, i asked the doctors whether is it possible or not to do the kidney transplant on her because I wanted to donate my kidney to her. I could still survive with one kidney. The doctors say with her condition like this, it’s almost impossible to do the transplant. Even the best doctor in the world would not do it on her. I understand that. I know the time is very near. I know Lily will leave me very soon. I know that my strength and my love will be gone very soon. I know that. But I just cannot accept it.

But Lily, God knows what is good for you. If leaving me is the best way for you, I will accept it. Abang pasrah. Abang tak boleh lihat Lily terseksa lagi

Love,

Abang

my angel :-)

Haha. this year, my family is blessed with lots of rezeki. Mom got a promotion and has been transferred to Jabatan Pelajaran and dad got a few bonuses. My eldest sister finally has done her practical in the hospital. I, on the other hand, managed to get an offer from St Andrews without interview (which is something rare for medics..hehehe) This year, I supposed to have lots of vacations with my family because after this, things won’t be the same for us. Here is the list of my initial plans for this holiday:

1) Trying to get my homework and studying settled in 2 weeks (in progress)

2) Going for a family vacation to Philippines (failed because Lily is in ICU)

3) Going for a cruise with my sister and our cousin because my cousin has got 3 free tickets (failed because Lily is in ICU)

4) Spending time with Lily (in progress)

5) Trying to know and understand my list of medical issues (in progress)

6) Trying to be my sister’s wedding planner (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. The whole family puts this aside first)

7) Helping my sister with her hantaran for the engagement (done)

8) Planning to go to Langkawi or Karambunai with my friends (failed)

9) Trying to bring Lily to the cinema at least 5 times (failed because Lily is in ICU)

10) Spending lots of time with my eldest sister (in progress)

11) Planning to go to Penang and Batu Feringhi with my eldest sister for the Sg Nibong Pesta: only two of us :-) (failed because Lily is in ICU)

12) Helping my mom to be the interior designer for my sister’s new bedroom (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. My mom will ask her niece to do this for her because my mom is definitely not going to do anything for now)

13) Trying to save up my money for my ‘plan’ with my grandma (in progress)

14) Watching horror movies with Lily (done and finally ended up screaming with her even though she did not understand any single thing :-) )

But the best part of all, I managed to bring her for a shopping *wink* *wink*. And we also managed to do hantaran for our eldest sister

** Ya Allah, I really miss Lily right now. Because before this, if she’s in ICU, I will have the chance to visit her. But, she’s in pediatrics intensive care unit (P ICU) which means, only parents are allowed to visit her. The feeling I’m having right now cannot be expressed in words. It has been a week she’s there, fighting for her life. I miss her smiles, laughs (we have 3 categories of laughing: gelak kaya, gelak miskin, gelak kedekut) and I miss her playing with my nose and ears while I’m sleeping. I miss all her ‘sexy’ dresses and skirts. I miss eating Gani Char koey teow with her. I miss going out at night with her just to buy burgers. I miss bringing her around just to have fresh air. I miss to have a meaningful life back with her and finally i miss seeing her beside me every time after I pray. Whenever she sees someone praying, she will be there just to ask that person praying for her so that she can have a normal life for the first time in her life. Only with Lily, I can be myself, having a meaningful conversation (she’s a good listener even though she cannot talk or walk until now), and only with her, I can have very sincere and honest laughs and smiles (because Lily never have any revenge or dissatisfaction) and only with her beside us, my family will be happy. I never look ‘fake’ in front of her and i feel very empty everytime she’s beside me because all of my problems have gone away. Lily will always smile whenever i speak to her (because that is the only thing she knows how to do) and she will keep on smiling and laughing even when she’s in pain. Every night, I cannot sleep because I will always wake up as I keep on hearing her voice. She is the reason why I always go back to my house every time I have the chance because when the time comes, i do not want to regret not spending ample time with her. Please hold on Lily :-)

Lily and her collection of teddy bears - she has nearly 50 teddy bears. haha. and all of them are still in good conditions

the hantaran that we made together for my sister's engagement - this is what we managed to do before she was admitted to PICU. i think she just holds on for this moment but during the engagement, she didnt look as excited as usual

enjoying the first pancake i made on my own *wink* *wink*

during her 10th birthday at my grandma's house

during the family vacation

Lily just loves pink stuff

doing some weird stuff

this was taken somewhere in Indonesia

this was taken last year (I was wearing the same shirt like the above picture :-p)

Lily just loves posing in front of camera.

on the way to ______ (just forgot..haha... but this was like 2 years ago)

hahaha... some weird pose

this is our 'whateva pose'

with my angel teaching me to do the 'mulut itik'

the 4 stooges :-p (Look at lily. this is her 'Oh My God! It's camera again' pose)

during raya (Lily with her 'do i care about you?' pose)

my first photo using my camera and she's my first model (with her uncut hair that she wanted to keep as she didn't want my grandma to cut it)

hahaha.. my top model posing with my phone :-)

her 12th birthday with my brother...

this is why I cannot see her suffering - she has been fighting for 14 years and this is something easy for her (i hope so) :-) - this photo was taken by my dad even though it was illegal. this is also the reason why you always look me happy because i have to hide my sadness or otherwise, I cannot do anything thinking of her.

this is 'gelak kaya' (opening your mouth very wide and just laugh while showing your sandals to everyone.. hahaha)

look.. she never stop smiling (this is her 'come on. just take my picture' pose)

her smile is my medicine - a very sincere one :-)

this is the reason why we really miss her (she just loves playing around :-) )

lily and her smile :-) posing for my camera (this is her' i know i'm cute. you dont have to say it' pose)

one, two, click!...my sisters posing for my camera

lily, can we take more photos??? Abang will always be here whenever you are ready

....and all i can do is to stay strong :-)

Haha.. it has been ages since the last time I posted something in this blog

My eldest sister got engaged last Saturday and I guess she’s more than ready to grow up and be an adult. Of course at first i went against the plan because she’s still studying (going to finish her practical at the hospital this december). But she knows what is good for her.

Her fiancé is a good guy and I must admit it. My sister gave him a few conditions if he really wants her and he agreed to all the conditions. And most of the conditions i must admit sound very easy to follow but when the time comes, only people who face them will know how hard they are. I recalled one of the conditions: to take good care of our younger sister and let’s say one day they have to take care of her, will he be okay with that. He says he has no problem with that because my ‘angel’ is like pembawa rezeki to all of us.

Lily is in ICU (again). It happened last Thursday after she was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday. She was in the hospital since Monday for the monthly blood transfusion and we planned to bring her for a vacation on Sunday. But, the plan didnt go as planned because she was admitted to ICU on the next day after she was discharged. She was sleeping in the room when suddenly she vomited. i was there, helping to clean up everything on the bed. I then took her to the toilet and my grandma gave her a shower. Meanwhile, i was downstairs to take her clothes and switched off the air-cond. She suddenly fell while sitting and my grandma thought it was due to the coldness because she was shivering while taking the shower. I then helped her to wear a nappy when she started to tremble differently and i know it wasn’t due to the coldness anymore. It was because of the brain problem that she is having due to the kidney failure. I directly called my dad and my mom, took her bag together with the documents and put her in the car. I then drove to the emergency department and my parents were there after a while.

It has been something normal to see her in ICU because this is the fifth time she’s in ICU. Im very strong to face this (and will always be).

She’s happy right now and even in ICU, she can still laugh with the nurses.

How do you feel when you saw her laughing and smile and after 10 minutes, all you know she’s in ICU fighting for her life and after 1 hour in ICU, she started to laugh and smile again.

Even the guards and the doctors there already know us. Even with all the sufferings she’s facing right now, you will always find a smile on her face (something that i will always miss). She’s happy right now and this is the reason why the doctor there did not want to do a dialysis on her even her kidney started to fail. The doctor said that not all treatments are suitable for her and she’s happy the way she is. So, the doctor didn’t want to take it from her by having to do dialysis thrice every week. But of course, she has a very long list of medication.

That’s all from me and of course my parents right now are very worried about her and I, on the other hand, need to look and stay strong for my parents and my grandma. My eldest sister and i know whenever Lily is in ICU, we need to look strong because we cannot see our parents and grandma crying anymore :-). And i also know Lily doesn’t want to see them crying (the reason why she will cry whenever she sees one of my family members is not feeling very well :-) )

If you find me writing too much about my sister, then I want to apologise because i really love her and most of what I have done so far is because of her. :-)

..the weekend..

Sometimes.... things just dont turn out the way we want them to be...

My friend, Syazwan passed away on Thursday... Syazwan was a nice guy (and will always be).. He will always be remembered as a type of guy who will always smile to you. He will always be remembered as an easy going guy. And my conversation with him on Friday last 2 weeks would always be a meaningful one.

Lily is in ICU again. Time is getting shorter for me to be with her. It was during my family vacation when she suddenly became unconscious. Parents took her to Cameron Highlands Hospital and the hospital decided to send her to Alor Setar Hospital as her data is there. This is the fifth time she’s in ICU. But this one would be different. Before we went to Cameron, my parents already told me to use this time wisely. Time is getting shorter and the doctors say that they couldnt do anything much. She slept with me during the night when she became unconscious. She was unconscious in my hug. I hugged her during that time, feeling reluctant to let her go. We all went back to Alor Setar on Saturday. Parents asked me to go back to my college because even when I was there, i could do nothing much. I took the 11.45 pm bus to tg malim.

I know she will leave me soon, and Im prepared for that moment to happen. If God loves her more, I am willing to let her go. I really love her. She’s everything to me. I still recalled the moment when she was born 14 years ago. My mom said that my sister is special. When she was born, my mom got a promotion to be the head of account department in the Ministry of Education. She was the size of my palm when i first saw her in the hospital. I could only look her from a distant because i was totally afraid to touch her. During that time, i was afraid if i touched her, it would harm her. But mom gave her to me. And i never felt as happy as hugging her, carrying her to everywhere around the hospital. And everytime i came back from the school, i always asked my dad to bring me to the hospital just to look at her.

And like any brother, i really want hear her calling me for the first time. I really want to see her walking, like normal children. But i know, that is almost impossible and for that reason, i never lose my faith in the power of medicine.

Lily is still in ICU by the time I wrote this. Please pray, hoping that she will get better soon. I know she will be fine because she has a very strong will. She has been fighting this disease for 14 years and i know she will definitely win the battle this time around.

Reminder

Sometimes in life, we need constant reminder, the purpose of what we are doing.

Today, there was marathon during the Health Awareness Week in my college. It was a fine morning as usual when everyone woke up to participate in the marathon. I wasn’t around as I had to go back home because I had to see my grandma and my sister for a while. Both of them were admitted to ICU last week. But, they are getting better right now.

I guess it was 11 am when I saw a few facebook status about my friend, Syazwan. I always teased him around because he’s quite nice. I never expected to receive news about him just now. When I saw the facebook status, I directly called Alifah to ask about him.

During the marathon (and from what I heard, 300 meters before the finishing line), Syazwan collapsed. People thought it was a normal collapse due to tiredness. But, when he was sent to the hospital, the doctor put him under ICU because he suffered from epilepsy or stroke (wasn’t so sure which one). He’s very critical right now. He’s in ICU and my friends told me that his chance was 60-40. All the organs have stopped functioning and he’s currently depending on the life support machine.

I didn’t know that the person who had a friendly conversation with me on Friday before that, will be in ICU today. I was shocked to hear that news as for me; he’s such a nice guy.

But that’s life. Sometimes, we tend to forget that anything can happen to us. If today we are healthy and can even say something bad about people, tomorrow or 1 hour after this, we may not see our loved ones (this is my fear now). Only when something like this happened, we will realise about it. When receiving the news, I feel like I have been slapped on my cheek. The news was sudden for me. It becomes a reminder for me, the purpose of everything I do in life. And I believe everything I do right now is for a just and fair cause that I really want to benefit people because I believe in the rewards given by HIM.

While doing some shopping in Giant yesterday, I saw a bunch of stray cats around. They did follow me because I guessed they were quite hungry. I bought a kilogram of fish and gave it to the cats. While giving food to the cats, I saw a dead cat from one corner. There was one cat trying to help him, without knowing that his friend has died. That’s life for me and that is how I see life. We always need someone to help us and we know whenever we make friends, they are not just there to have fun. But they are our strength and we know they will always stand beside us even though we can no longer feel the air. That is why, I really value friendship.

Two events happened to me during weekend. And these two things become my reminder not to forget HIM. Anything can happen and maybe this might be my last post (who knows). And I hope whatever I do right now (and I’m currently busy with Project HEART: Berbakti Dari Hati), will always be for my society, for a just and fair cause and not for popularity, for the rewards given by HIM. Insya-allah.

I hope Syazwan will be fine. Insya allah

Blessing Ramadhan and Syawal

I wrote this post while I was on my way back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang.

Ramadhan and Syawal taught me many things which made me think more. I never feel as calm and happy as during these two months. My life in the college is back to normal. From my previous post, the headmaster has finally made a public apology during the students’ assembly. I wasn’t around during that time because I had a medical forum and I was presenting about Euthanasia. Many of my friends (I guess half of my batch mates) wanted to boycott the assembly but I said no as it was rather immature to do that. At the same time too, many people still put the blame on me because they still do not understand the real reason of what I did. For them, it was rather a stupid thing to do. I didn’t blame them for this as it took more than just matured thinking to understand the complexity of this situation. Let time change everything.

During Ramadhan too, I was appointed to be the new House Captain as the previous one has resigned due to a few problems not to be mentioned here. I dare to say that Apek, Durrah, Sara and I really had a great time working together even though we did agrue on a few things. With 3 people left, I still hope the same thing will be continued. At first I didn’t want to take it as I would rather focus on my studies. People said that this would be a good training ground for my leadership but I told them what I have gained so far was more than enough to prepare me for the future. I learnt a lot of things in MCKK, more than anyone else. It was there I stood alone during the lowest point of my life, and at the same time too, MCKK taught me not to enjoy too much whenever I am at the top as it is only temporary. But finally, I decided to be the Captain, not so much about wanting to be popular like anyone else or to make sure my name will be in the KYUEM Alumni book, but it was rather because of my ‘pity-ness’ looking at a few people in Garnet who are working very hard for things that they themselves don’t know what they are doing this. I do enjoy being in this house as everyone is happy working together. And I guess, being the Captain will eventually help me to understand and accept different types of people living in KYUEM :-). So, my vision for the house is not only to win the House Cup, but also to make sure everyone enjoys and learns more than just leadership. Hopefully they will learn to do what is right and not what is glamour. I’ve promised to myself that I will try my best to do what has been put on me very well.

So far, life in KYUEM is awesome despite so many things happening around me as here in KYUEM, I learnt to accept and respect people even if they hate you.

(enough with the seriousness)

Okay! I’m currently preparing for my UKCAT. I’m done with my personal statement and Sara is doing the final editing on it (hehehe. Thanks Sara). Ive decided to apply for all the Top 10 medical schools as given by my sponsor. Right now, I’m trying to read as much as possible about medical mysteries, politics and some social issues. Im currently trying my best to understand the Russian Revolution (walaupun sampai sekarang x faham sepatah haram pown :-p) from the book entitled ‘A people’s tragedy’ given by my cousin who is in London now.

This Raya too, I went back to my grandpa’s house. However, the house seemed a little bit gloomy without my beloved uncle there. He passed away a few months ago due to Leukemia. Mom seemed to be quite sad when we visited his grave as he was my mom’s closest brother. I went to Kuantan with my auntie and cousin. At first, we just wanted to visit my auntie there. But, the plan changed. Father and the rest went back to my grandpa’s house but me, sister and a few other relatives decided to spend time in Kuantan. I went to East Coast Mall (where my sister had a nightmare), watching late movie (Resident Evil – a must watch movie) and finally went to Teluk Chempedak. I had great time in teluk Chempedak, trying to get the lowest price for the lamps my auntie was trying to buy. The funny part was when we didn’t bring any single shirt there in Kuantan. We finally managed to get a few clothes at Padini and Brands Outlet. Thanks to my sis for the pizza. This is the good thing about my sister. Tak pernah lekok when it comes to treating me :-). Sayang kak!. Slept at my auntie’s house around 1 am

I did enjoy my Raya. I got the chance to meet everyone. I only cried when I drove my grandma to visit my relative in the hospital who’s suffering from cancer in pancreas.

That’s all from me. Love you.. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Semoga Kedua-dua bulan membawa berkat kepada semua.

the journey

When I first entered KYUEM, all I wanted was to concentrate on my studies and get decent results for my A-levels. Of course along the way, so many things happened. I’ve dropped my Cambridge application and at the same time too, I didn’t get the results I wanted for my AS.

My post this time is not about this because I want to keep it later. This post is to highlight what has happened for the past 2 weeks.

I was being raised in such an environment which emphasised more on the importance of doing what is right for me and also for others. In MCKK too, I learnt to fight till the end of it. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It is rather a bloody harsh thing and sometimes, we are just alone fighting for it. But, that’s the principle that you will understand once you are in MCKK especially in the debating team.

When I first went against the KYUEM’s policy of re-sitting, many people said I was being radical about this and they said it was a sheer waste of time. Even worse, some said fighting the college is useless because at the end of the day, I would still lose the battle.

Putting everything aside, I viewed this from a different angle. It wasn’t so much about wanting to re-sit in October. In fact, fighting for re-sitting was rather a stupid thing as it would not affect me so much. However, the whole idea was about showing to people especially the Students Council of KYUEM to fight for what is right and never afraid even if you need to stand alone. At the same time too, I wanted the college to hear the students’ voices so that they would not see students as their guinea pigs or puppets only.

Before everything started, I have personally talked to a few SC members. Yet, nothing was done. With only 5 people joining the ‘cluster’, I went meeting the headmaster asking for clarifications about the policy. During that meeting, he told us to discuss this with the heads of departments as the heads will then discuss with him.

I knew, fighting him was like fighting for a losing battle as someone like him would not listen to us at all. But, i still wanted to do it. I discussed this with the heads of departments and during that moment i already got support from Biology, Chemistry and Maths Department. But, when the issue was raised during the meeting with the headmaster, the headmaster still did not agree to change the policy. From that moment, I knew something drastic should be done to this person.

There was no point talking to anyone in KYUEM during that time as everyone decided to follow what has been set up by the headmaster. I then personally sent a few emails to the CEO of the college asking him to help and interfere in this issue. The response I received during that time wasn’t that good as he said he would leave everything to the college to decide.

With no prospect of everything to get better, I then met the Director Of Human Resource of my sponsor to discuss about this. The response I received was good as my director said he would discuss this directly with the college.

As the registration for the exam will be closed in 2 days, i knew I had to do something drastic with a huge impact. I then decided to do a petition for this. I was so thankful to God as many people signed the petition. I didn’t expect to receive such like that support. The petition was then sent to the headmaster.

The response from the headmaster was not very good. He said the idea of doing the petition was very pathetic and shouldn’t be done in the first place. He condemned the idea and decided to meet all of my batch mates to discuss about this (where the drama started to begin)

At the same time too, the CEO came to the college to look at this matter closely. I met him personally and told him about this. He said he would discuss this with the headmaster.

A day later, there was a notice from the headmaster to meet all of my batch mates. During the so called ‘meeting’, he clarified every single thing even though we already knew about that. He said the policy could not be changed no matter what happened.

After talking to us, he then walked out. I then raised my hands on the basis to clarify views on our side (the students). While standing alone, I talked to him that he should have asked student’s opinions before having this policy and he should also give students the choice whether to re-sit or not as most of the students are being sponsored. So, the requirements are different. Even the university requirements are different. Having a general policy like this would not benefit students. In fact, it worsens the situation. Thus, he should go on case-by-case basis. I was totally shocked during that moment because he cut me while i was speaking and asking me to sit down. He said this was not a public meeting (even though he was the one telling us that this would be a discussion about the policy). He also told us that he was not going to waste time discussing about this as he had other things to do.

Everyone was shocked because as the headmaster of a World-Class A-level College and an Oxbridge graduate, he should have at least, listened to what we were going to say. This is a democratic world where everyone has equal chance to speak. The headmaster should respect students and not treating us like nothing or just PUPPETS.

Even the deputy headmaster and our counselor were shocked. Everyone wasn’t satisfied with the way he reacted to me.

I knew this shouldn’t end like this. I then wrote a final email to the CEO telling him about this that it wasn’t the re-sitting policy that matters during that time but my biggest concern was more about the way the headmaster treated us .

I was shocked when I received a reply from the CEO. He said that after meeting me at the college, he then met the headmaster and from that discussion, the final say about the re-sit policy should come from the majority of students and sponsors.

This means that our meeting with the headmaster should be the time when we got to vote for this. However, something different happened during the meeting.

At the same time too, i received a response from my sponsor that they already talked to the headmaster. They said that if we could no longer study there, they allowed us to transfer college. They would no longer send scholars there. Parents to a few students also talked to the headmaster but he was still stubborn to change the policy.

I knew this would happen. He was such a dictator. But from what i heard, his contract will not be continued next year.

A few SC people met him and he told them he would make a public apology for the way he reacted in the hall. What attracted my intention was the fact that he said I could meet him if I wanted to (which I find it futile as the registration for the exam has been closed).

However, things did not stop there. During the HOD meeting, the headmaster told every teacher there that there was a student ‘arguing’ with him about the policy. I find it inappropriate to use the word ‘argue’ as it only gave a bad impression about me to the teachers. I didn’t argue with him because i was just about to ask him a few things. In fact, he was the one who didnt allow me to speak.

I knew it was pointless talking to him. During the English class, my teacher was trying to put the blame on me for the chaos I made to the college. But, I told her that what I did was the right thing. I told her that I didn’t fight for the policy so much for me to re-sit, but because i wanted the headmaster to understand that whenever he wanted to have a policy like this, he should ask the students first. This is a democratic place. So, students have the voice to say every single thing.

A few teachers knew about this. They supported me and said i should continue. They believed what i did was the right thing to do as no one has ever done that including the students council. The teachers said that they have been fighting this for so long but no response was received. At least, by me doing this, the headmaster was freaking out a little bit and the CEO has listened to me (even though some students find it pointless as they would rather concentrate on their studies)

I was so glad as some people came and met me personally to say thank you for what I have done so far. It was more than enough to hear people saying that I did the right thing. I could not explain here the moment when I heard people saying thank you to me including the teachers. I am more than happy to help everyone there.

I believe this is not the end of it. But, i have no power in the college. I am not a SC member. This is the best i could do. I hope those who have power in the college will continue to fight for the rights and welfare of students and teachers. Stop calling yourselves fighters if you are only event planners. Dont blame people if they dont thank you for what you have done so far because people here are mature and smart enough to know whether what you have done so far are good enough or not to deserve their appreciation. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It was the hardest thing ever. But, people will thank you once they know you have done your best. You are credible enough if people acknowledge you but you are just not trying hard enough if there are still other ways to do it.

Final note on this:

- I should thank and give my credit to a few people who have been standing beside me fighting against this dictator. I know without them, i could do nothing. They knew that this thing is not famous and many people initially did not support it, but these people still continue fighting for what is right with me:

Afzyim@Judo = thank you for standing and helping me doing this. You never afraid to do what you think is right and you never fail to enlighten me with different ways of fighting

Zikri@Blonde = thank you for your support and courage of meeting the headmaster even though you know you will be scolded after that :-)

Sara = thanks for at least be my ‘backbone’ and continue giving me support even though you were the only one understand my ‘ideology’ of fighting the policy. You never fail to be a place where I can share every single thing.

Syakirah = thanks for not complaining about the hardship of this journey and doing everything possible

Alethea = thanks for your support especially when meeting the headmaster and also for influencing the teachers to believe in us

Naim = thanks for your concern and moral support about this. You are always a good listener to share every single thing.

Syahirah, Shu Yi = thanks for being the first to join my ‘cluster’

Although some didnt care for what we did, it’s more than enough to have all of you throughout this journey. Thank you :-)