..the weekend..

Sometimes.... things just dont turn out the way we want them to be...

My friend, Syazwan passed away on Thursday... Syazwan was a nice guy (and will always be).. He will always be remembered as a type of guy who will always smile to you. He will always be remembered as an easy going guy. And my conversation with him on Friday last 2 weeks would always be a meaningful one.

Lily is in ICU again. Time is getting shorter for me to be with her. It was during my family vacation when she suddenly became unconscious. Parents took her to Cameron Highlands Hospital and the hospital decided to send her to Alor Setar Hospital as her data is there. This is the fifth time she’s in ICU. But this one would be different. Before we went to Cameron, my parents already told me to use this time wisely. Time is getting shorter and the doctors say that they couldnt do anything much. She slept with me during the night when she became unconscious. She was unconscious in my hug. I hugged her during that time, feeling reluctant to let her go. We all went back to Alor Setar on Saturday. Parents asked me to go back to my college because even when I was there, i could do nothing much. I took the 11.45 pm bus to tg malim.

I know she will leave me soon, and Im prepared for that moment to happen. If God loves her more, I am willing to let her go. I really love her. She’s everything to me. I still recalled the moment when she was born 14 years ago. My mom said that my sister is special. When she was born, my mom got a promotion to be the head of account department in the Ministry of Education. She was the size of my palm when i first saw her in the hospital. I could only look her from a distant because i was totally afraid to touch her. During that time, i was afraid if i touched her, it would harm her. But mom gave her to me. And i never felt as happy as hugging her, carrying her to everywhere around the hospital. And everytime i came back from the school, i always asked my dad to bring me to the hospital just to look at her.

And like any brother, i really want hear her calling me for the first time. I really want to see her walking, like normal children. But i know, that is almost impossible and for that reason, i never lose my faith in the power of medicine.

Lily is still in ICU by the time I wrote this. Please pray, hoping that she will get better soon. I know she will be fine because she has a very strong will. She has been fighting this disease for 14 years and i know she will definitely win the battle this time around.

Reminder

Sometimes in life, we need constant reminder, the purpose of what we are doing.

Today, there was marathon during the Health Awareness Week in my college. It was a fine morning as usual when everyone woke up to participate in the marathon. I wasn’t around as I had to go back home because I had to see my grandma and my sister for a while. Both of them were admitted to ICU last week. But, they are getting better right now.

I guess it was 11 am when I saw a few facebook status about my friend, Syazwan. I always teased him around because he’s quite nice. I never expected to receive news about him just now. When I saw the facebook status, I directly called Alifah to ask about him.

During the marathon (and from what I heard, 300 meters before the finishing line), Syazwan collapsed. People thought it was a normal collapse due to tiredness. But, when he was sent to the hospital, the doctor put him under ICU because he suffered from epilepsy or stroke (wasn’t so sure which one). He’s very critical right now. He’s in ICU and my friends told me that his chance was 60-40. All the organs have stopped functioning and he’s currently depending on the life support machine.

I didn’t know that the person who had a friendly conversation with me on Friday before that, will be in ICU today. I was shocked to hear that news as for me; he’s such a nice guy.

But that’s life. Sometimes, we tend to forget that anything can happen to us. If today we are healthy and can even say something bad about people, tomorrow or 1 hour after this, we may not see our loved ones (this is my fear now). Only when something like this happened, we will realise about it. When receiving the news, I feel like I have been slapped on my cheek. The news was sudden for me. It becomes a reminder for me, the purpose of everything I do in life. And I believe everything I do right now is for a just and fair cause that I really want to benefit people because I believe in the rewards given by HIM.

While doing some shopping in Giant yesterday, I saw a bunch of stray cats around. They did follow me because I guessed they were quite hungry. I bought a kilogram of fish and gave it to the cats. While giving food to the cats, I saw a dead cat from one corner. There was one cat trying to help him, without knowing that his friend has died. That’s life for me and that is how I see life. We always need someone to help us and we know whenever we make friends, they are not just there to have fun. But they are our strength and we know they will always stand beside us even though we can no longer feel the air. That is why, I really value friendship.

Two events happened to me during weekend. And these two things become my reminder not to forget HIM. Anything can happen and maybe this might be my last post (who knows). And I hope whatever I do right now (and I’m currently busy with Project HEART: Berbakti Dari Hati), will always be for my society, for a just and fair cause and not for popularity, for the rewards given by HIM. Insya-allah.

I hope Syazwan will be fine. Insya allah

Blessing Ramadhan and Syawal

I wrote this post while I was on my way back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang.

Ramadhan and Syawal taught me many things which made me think more. I never feel as calm and happy as during these two months. My life in the college is back to normal. From my previous post, the headmaster has finally made a public apology during the students’ assembly. I wasn’t around during that time because I had a medical forum and I was presenting about Euthanasia. Many of my friends (I guess half of my batch mates) wanted to boycott the assembly but I said no as it was rather immature to do that. At the same time too, many people still put the blame on me because they still do not understand the real reason of what I did. For them, it was rather a stupid thing to do. I didn’t blame them for this as it took more than just matured thinking to understand the complexity of this situation. Let time change everything.

During Ramadhan too, I was appointed to be the new House Captain as the previous one has resigned due to a few problems not to be mentioned here. I dare to say that Apek, Durrah, Sara and I really had a great time working together even though we did agrue on a few things. With 3 people left, I still hope the same thing will be continued. At first I didn’t want to take it as I would rather focus on my studies. People said that this would be a good training ground for my leadership but I told them what I have gained so far was more than enough to prepare me for the future. I learnt a lot of things in MCKK, more than anyone else. It was there I stood alone during the lowest point of my life, and at the same time too, MCKK taught me not to enjoy too much whenever I am at the top as it is only temporary. But finally, I decided to be the Captain, not so much about wanting to be popular like anyone else or to make sure my name will be in the KYUEM Alumni book, but it was rather because of my ‘pity-ness’ looking at a few people in Garnet who are working very hard for things that they themselves don’t know what they are doing this. I do enjoy being in this house as everyone is happy working together. And I guess, being the Captain will eventually help me to understand and accept different types of people living in KYUEM :-). So, my vision for the house is not only to win the House Cup, but also to make sure everyone enjoys and learns more than just leadership. Hopefully they will learn to do what is right and not what is glamour. I’ve promised to myself that I will try my best to do what has been put on me very well.

So far, life in KYUEM is awesome despite so many things happening around me as here in KYUEM, I learnt to accept and respect people even if they hate you.

(enough with the seriousness)

Okay! I’m currently preparing for my UKCAT. I’m done with my personal statement and Sara is doing the final editing on it (hehehe. Thanks Sara). Ive decided to apply for all the Top 10 medical schools as given by my sponsor. Right now, I’m trying to read as much as possible about medical mysteries, politics and some social issues. Im currently trying my best to understand the Russian Revolution (walaupun sampai sekarang x faham sepatah haram pown :-p) from the book entitled ‘A people’s tragedy’ given by my cousin who is in London now.

This Raya too, I went back to my grandpa’s house. However, the house seemed a little bit gloomy without my beloved uncle there. He passed away a few months ago due to Leukemia. Mom seemed to be quite sad when we visited his grave as he was my mom’s closest brother. I went to Kuantan with my auntie and cousin. At first, we just wanted to visit my auntie there. But, the plan changed. Father and the rest went back to my grandpa’s house but me, sister and a few other relatives decided to spend time in Kuantan. I went to East Coast Mall (where my sister had a nightmare), watching late movie (Resident Evil – a must watch movie) and finally went to Teluk Chempedak. I had great time in teluk Chempedak, trying to get the lowest price for the lamps my auntie was trying to buy. The funny part was when we didn’t bring any single shirt there in Kuantan. We finally managed to get a few clothes at Padini and Brands Outlet. Thanks to my sis for the pizza. This is the good thing about my sister. Tak pernah lekok when it comes to treating me :-). Sayang kak!. Slept at my auntie’s house around 1 am

I did enjoy my Raya. I got the chance to meet everyone. I only cried when I drove my grandma to visit my relative in the hospital who’s suffering from cancer in pancreas.

That’s all from me. Love you.. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Semoga Kedua-dua bulan membawa berkat kepada semua.

the journey

When I first entered KYUEM, all I wanted was to concentrate on my studies and get decent results for my A-levels. Of course along the way, so many things happened. I’ve dropped my Cambridge application and at the same time too, I didn’t get the results I wanted for my AS.

My post this time is not about this because I want to keep it later. This post is to highlight what has happened for the past 2 weeks.

I was being raised in such an environment which emphasised more on the importance of doing what is right for me and also for others. In MCKK too, I learnt to fight till the end of it. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It is rather a bloody harsh thing and sometimes, we are just alone fighting for it. But, that’s the principle that you will understand once you are in MCKK especially in the debating team.

When I first went against the KYUEM’s policy of re-sitting, many people said I was being radical about this and they said it was a sheer waste of time. Even worse, some said fighting the college is useless because at the end of the day, I would still lose the battle.

Putting everything aside, I viewed this from a different angle. It wasn’t so much about wanting to re-sit in October. In fact, fighting for re-sitting was rather a stupid thing as it would not affect me so much. However, the whole idea was about showing to people especially the Students Council of KYUEM to fight for what is right and never afraid even if you need to stand alone. At the same time too, I wanted the college to hear the students’ voices so that they would not see students as their guinea pigs or puppets only.

Before everything started, I have personally talked to a few SC members. Yet, nothing was done. With only 5 people joining the ‘cluster’, I went meeting the headmaster asking for clarifications about the policy. During that meeting, he told us to discuss this with the heads of departments as the heads will then discuss with him.

I knew, fighting him was like fighting for a losing battle as someone like him would not listen to us at all. But, i still wanted to do it. I discussed this with the heads of departments and during that moment i already got support from Biology, Chemistry and Maths Department. But, when the issue was raised during the meeting with the headmaster, the headmaster still did not agree to change the policy. From that moment, I knew something drastic should be done to this person.

There was no point talking to anyone in KYUEM during that time as everyone decided to follow what has been set up by the headmaster. I then personally sent a few emails to the CEO of the college asking him to help and interfere in this issue. The response I received during that time wasn’t that good as he said he would leave everything to the college to decide.

With no prospect of everything to get better, I then met the Director Of Human Resource of my sponsor to discuss about this. The response I received was good as my director said he would discuss this directly with the college.

As the registration for the exam will be closed in 2 days, i knew I had to do something drastic with a huge impact. I then decided to do a petition for this. I was so thankful to God as many people signed the petition. I didn’t expect to receive such like that support. The petition was then sent to the headmaster.

The response from the headmaster was not very good. He said the idea of doing the petition was very pathetic and shouldn’t be done in the first place. He condemned the idea and decided to meet all of my batch mates to discuss about this (where the drama started to begin)

At the same time too, the CEO came to the college to look at this matter closely. I met him personally and told him about this. He said he would discuss this with the headmaster.

A day later, there was a notice from the headmaster to meet all of my batch mates. During the so called ‘meeting’, he clarified every single thing even though we already knew about that. He said the policy could not be changed no matter what happened.

After talking to us, he then walked out. I then raised my hands on the basis to clarify views on our side (the students). While standing alone, I talked to him that he should have asked student’s opinions before having this policy and he should also give students the choice whether to re-sit or not as most of the students are being sponsored. So, the requirements are different. Even the university requirements are different. Having a general policy like this would not benefit students. In fact, it worsens the situation. Thus, he should go on case-by-case basis. I was totally shocked during that moment because he cut me while i was speaking and asking me to sit down. He said this was not a public meeting (even though he was the one telling us that this would be a discussion about the policy). He also told us that he was not going to waste time discussing about this as he had other things to do.

Everyone was shocked because as the headmaster of a World-Class A-level College and an Oxbridge graduate, he should have at least, listened to what we were going to say. This is a democratic world where everyone has equal chance to speak. The headmaster should respect students and not treating us like nothing or just PUPPETS.

Even the deputy headmaster and our counselor were shocked. Everyone wasn’t satisfied with the way he reacted to me.

I knew this shouldn’t end like this. I then wrote a final email to the CEO telling him about this that it wasn’t the re-sitting policy that matters during that time but my biggest concern was more about the way the headmaster treated us .

I was shocked when I received a reply from the CEO. He said that after meeting me at the college, he then met the headmaster and from that discussion, the final say about the re-sit policy should come from the majority of students and sponsors.

This means that our meeting with the headmaster should be the time when we got to vote for this. However, something different happened during the meeting.

At the same time too, i received a response from my sponsor that they already talked to the headmaster. They said that if we could no longer study there, they allowed us to transfer college. They would no longer send scholars there. Parents to a few students also talked to the headmaster but he was still stubborn to change the policy.

I knew this would happen. He was such a dictator. But from what i heard, his contract will not be continued next year.

A few SC people met him and he told them he would make a public apology for the way he reacted in the hall. What attracted my intention was the fact that he said I could meet him if I wanted to (which I find it futile as the registration for the exam has been closed).

However, things did not stop there. During the HOD meeting, the headmaster told every teacher there that there was a student ‘arguing’ with him about the policy. I find it inappropriate to use the word ‘argue’ as it only gave a bad impression about me to the teachers. I didn’t argue with him because i was just about to ask him a few things. In fact, he was the one who didnt allow me to speak.

I knew it was pointless talking to him. During the English class, my teacher was trying to put the blame on me for the chaos I made to the college. But, I told her that what I did was the right thing. I told her that I didn’t fight for the policy so much for me to re-sit, but because i wanted the headmaster to understand that whenever he wanted to have a policy like this, he should ask the students first. This is a democratic place. So, students have the voice to say every single thing.

A few teachers knew about this. They supported me and said i should continue. They believed what i did was the right thing to do as no one has ever done that including the students council. The teachers said that they have been fighting this for so long but no response was received. At least, by me doing this, the headmaster was freaking out a little bit and the CEO has listened to me (even though some students find it pointless as they would rather concentrate on their studies)

I was so glad as some people came and met me personally to say thank you for what I have done so far. It was more than enough to hear people saying that I did the right thing. I could not explain here the moment when I heard people saying thank you to me including the teachers. I am more than happy to help everyone there.

I believe this is not the end of it. But, i have no power in the college. I am not a SC member. This is the best i could do. I hope those who have power in the college will continue to fight for the rights and welfare of students and teachers. Stop calling yourselves fighters if you are only event planners. Dont blame people if they dont thank you for what you have done so far because people here are mature and smart enough to know whether what you have done so far are good enough or not to deserve their appreciation. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It was the hardest thing ever. But, people will thank you once they know you have done your best. You are credible enough if people acknowledge you but you are just not trying hard enough if there are still other ways to do it.

Final note on this:

- I should thank and give my credit to a few people who have been standing beside me fighting against this dictator. I know without them, i could do nothing. They knew that this thing is not famous and many people initially did not support it, but these people still continue fighting for what is right with me:

Afzyim@Judo = thank you for standing and helping me doing this. You never afraid to do what you think is right and you never fail to enlighten me with different ways of fighting

Zikri@Blonde = thank you for your support and courage of meeting the headmaster even though you know you will be scolded after that :-)

Sara = thanks for at least be my ‘backbone’ and continue giving me support even though you were the only one understand my ‘ideology’ of fighting the policy. You never fail to be a place where I can share every single thing.

Syakirah = thanks for not complaining about the hardship of this journey and doing everything possible

Alethea = thanks for your support especially when meeting the headmaster and also for influencing the teachers to believe in us

Naim = thanks for your concern and moral support about this. You are always a good listener to share every single thing.

Syahirah, Shu Yi = thanks for being the first to join my ‘cluster’

Although some didnt care for what we did, it’s more than enough to have all of you throughout this journey. Thank you :-)

Cheriteraku

Pada petang Jumaat yang hening selepas solat di surau As-Saad, penulis berhasrat untuk melawat rakan-rakannya di KL. Dengan menaiki bas Star Coach Tanjung Malim-K.L, penulis pun memulakan edisi lawatannya. Hasrat awal ingin pergi menaiki KTM. Namun begitu, disebabkan KTM mengambil masa yang lama, penulis pun membuat keputusan untuk menaiki bas. Lalu, setelah membeli tiket, penulis pun duduk disebelah seorang pak cik yang menakutkan ala-ala perogol bersiri. Nasib baik lah penulis dirahmati oleh Tuhan kerana bas itu penuh dengan manusia-manusia bermuka suci. Setelah 1 jam menaiki bas, penulis pun sampai di Central Market@Pasar Seni. Penulis terpaksa bergerak ke Bangsar menaiki LRT kerana ingin berjumpa dengan sahabatnya yang telah mempunya kareer di sebuah ‘legal firm’ di kawasan terbabit. Kawannya, Fendy (bukan nama sebenar) datang berjumpa dengan penulis setelah penulis menunggu 30 minit di situ menantikan sahabatnya itu habis kerja (biasa lar.. dah berkareer). Sahabatnya itu membawa penulis terbabit pergi ke bazaar Ramadhan yang berhampiran untuk membeli juadah berbuka puasa. Sewaktu membeli nasi kukus yang berharga RM 6.00, penulis terjumpa pelakon waktak utama Ju-On sewaktu Evening With Garnet. Kali ini, penulis tidak terkejut seperti sebelumnya. Penulis sempat menegurnya.

Perjalanan diteruskan dengan mengikut Fendy ke apartmentnya yang terletak di Pusat Bandar Damansara. Setelah berbuka puasa dan bergosip, Fendy mengajak penulis keluar untuk membeli kek bagi seorang lagi sahabat bernama Fido (bukan nama sebenar jugak). Dalam perjalanan ke Secret Recipe, penulis terserempak dengan seorang makhluk ciptaan Tuhan yang senyum kepadanya. Mulanya, penulis beranggapan bahawa lembaga itu adalah kawan Fendy, tiba-tiba “Eh. Azfar. What are you doing here?”. Rupanya, lembaga itu merupakan senior penulis di KYUEM yang bernama Azfar. Penulis meneruskan misi mencari kek Chocolate Strawberry dari Secret Recipe.

Setelah itu, penulis pergi bersembahyang terawih di surau berdekatan. Penulis agak terkejut kerana tidak memahami tasbih yang diguna pakai. Penulis berasa seperti berada di negara lain. Penulis menganggap itu perkara biasa. Edisi lawatan diteruskan dengan menanti 2 orang kawan di rumah fendy iaitu Fido dan Ben. Jam menunjukkan pukul 11. Tiba-tiba sahaja pintu bilik diketuk. Fido dan ben datang. Wah! Ben sudah berubah. Makin cun melecun. Hahaha. Kemudian ketiga-tiga sahabat itu mengajak penulis pergi menziarahi rakan-rakan lain di UIA dan UM. Namun begitu, kesemua mereka tidak berada di universiti masing-masing. Fido dan Ben berhasrat membawa penulis berjalan di Sri Hartamas dan sekitar KL sambil bergosip. Acara diteruskan dengan supper di Pelita sambil mengutuk Datuk Fadilah Come To Me dan Cheff Two.

Setelah jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi, Fido dan Ben menghantar penulis bersama fendy ke apartment Fendy. Akibat keletihan yang melampau, fendy dan penulis tidur nyenyak hingga sahur. Penulis dan fendy hanya bersahurkan roti butterscotch dan soya bean. Setelah solat subuh, Haqqa telah menjemput penulis dan Fendy untuk menghadiri satu seminar di MBSA di Shah Alam. Setelah hampir 30 minit, penulis pown sampai di situ.

Yang lain tidak dapat diceritakan kerana sangat banyak yang terjadi.. tak larat nak menaip.. Sorie...

Of Being Judgmental

We live in a world full of judgmental people. Whether we like it or not, that’s the reality of life. Sometimes, we are too quick to judge people; maybe based on what others say or just rumours. Sometimes, you just need to bear with these people. Life indeed will be dull if we don’t have these people. People are just getting more judgmental. You just need to tolerate with them.

We can easily criticise others without looking at it seriously. We can easily blame others without even reflecting ourselves

Teachers blame students for their poor academic performances without asking the fundamental cause of the problems.

Bosses blame workers without thinking that they bring influences to the work places.

We blame the environment we live in for our attitude without having self-reflection.

But, the reality is, we cannot judge people before we know them very well nor blame others for our own mistakes. I guess, that’s why people say don’t judge a book by its cover.

What you need to do every time you do any mistake, just take it and don’t repeat the same thing.

Experience is a good teacher. :-)

***Mr Amran said my p.s. is not touching enough. I should edit it more.

Short Story

I wrote this story just to brush up my wiriting skills :-)

I was looking at a photo album that stored a thousand vivid memories in it; some were bad but most were pleasurable memories. Looking at one particular photograph, I recalled an incident that completely ruined my life as a result of my bad behaviour at that time.

It all happened five years ago when I was still a residential school student. As usual, everyone was on cloud nine and our hearts exploded with joy when the school holidays came. I was one of them. I went back to my house in Cameron Highlands. It was the ultimate Tudor-style country house with latticed windows and wooden beams. The bungalow had an aesthetic style and emphasised high standards of craftsmanship. The wide cemented porches that lay flat on the surface and a beautifully lush landscaped garden with delicate pale-gold and purple flowers were a sight for sore eyes.

Upon arriving there, I saw my brother, Ameer. He was a man of boundless energy and single-minded drive. He was in his early twenties and he had been on his own since my parents passed away six years ago in a car crash.

“You said you would arrive earlier?” he asked, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Ameer. I missed the bus. So, I had to catch the second one,” I explained while shaking and kissing his muscular hands.

Beside my brother was my maid whom I called ‘bibik’, although she was not from Indonesia. She was a lady of average height and in her early forties. She had wrinkled skin, an aquiline nose and arched eyebrows. With jet-black and shoulder length hair, she looked exactly like me at first glance. She was a widow, I guess, as her husband was no where to be seen.

I really despised her. I still remember how she got me in trouble. She told my parents that I had smoked in the toilet. My parents hit the ceiling when they found out and they decided to send me far away to study in a residential school. Until now, I cannot forgive her. She is a thorn in my side. What I really hate about her is that she looked exactly like me. She was, on the other hand, the apple of my brother’s eyes.

Upon my arrival at the house, I ordered her to take my bag in.

It was a fine morning as usual. The sun was about to rise and the cheerful chirpings of a multitude of birds could be heard. The earth was alive with insects singing and rustling about in search of food. There was also the blare of music from the radio and the soothing sounds of leaves. As usual, I went to the dining room to take my breakfast without knowing it would be a tragic day for me.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrant smell of nasi lemak - rice cooked in coconut milk served with anchovies, chilli paste, boiled egg, fried peanuts, slices of cucumber and lettuce made my mouth water. I sat on a unique dining table reflecting great English style together with my brother. I enjoyed that exotic culinary delight. Out of the blue, I could see something juicy, green and fat crawling among the lettuce on my plate.

‘’Eek!” I screamed in fright, a tiny worm just peeked at me from the pieces of lettuce leaves on my fork.

My face swelled in anger and I blew my top. I was not aware that my brother’s eyes were on me.

“Bibik! Come here!” I screamed at the top of my voice. Reacting quickly, I immediately threw the lettuce on my plate and spat the remaining lettuce from my mouth. In my frantic rush to the wash basin, I knocked over a chair. I washed my mouth over and over again. Bibik quickly walked towards me then looked down at my plate. She was speechless for along time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see the worm,’’ she muttered a hurried apology then colour drained from her face.

“What? Don’t fool around with me!’’ I raised my voice while throwing a melamine plate at her. She fell. I kicked her side. I took a few more melamine plates and threw them at her until she was knocked unconscious. When I was just about to slap her left cheek, I saw a photo of her with a baby fall off from her pocket. The baby was me!

‘’Enough, Zulikhwan! Stop abusing her!’’ my brother shouted at me while trying to lend his maid a hand.

What is this?” I replied while taking the photo from her. I was red with anger and my face turned ashen. I was about to slap her when my brother uttered something unbelievable.

“She is your mother, Zulikhwan!” he explained to me.

“What?” I shouted in shock. Bibik? My mother? That’s ridiculous. She’s our maid!

I was dumbfounded when I heard the news. My brother explained to me that she decided to work in that mansion as she wanted to be with me. She had to sell me as she did not have enough money to take care of my needs and give me a proper education. My late parents told this to my brother. I was totally shocked. I ran and locked myself in the room for a few hours and refused to speak to anyone. Out of the blue, my brother knocked on the door of my room. He told me that my ‘mother’ was unconscious and was in hospital. He decided to bring me to the hospital.

A few hours later, the doctor came out and told me that my mother had a brain tumour. Her condition was very critical and she could die. My brother and I were totally shocked. We really did not know about this. She wanted to keep it a secret as she did not want us to worry. I cried and cried. I blamed myself for acting the way I did.

‘Mom! Please wake up. Don’t leave me alone. I need you. I really need your love. Please give me a second chance,” I cried beside the almost lifeless body of my mother. My brother tried to comfort me.

A few days later, the doctor could not do anything to my mother anymore. Her condition was very critical. At 5.30 pm on 1^st August 1990, she passed away without ever regaining consciousness.

I was so pissed of with my brother for not telling me the truth. I quickly grabbed his car’s key and drove his BMW 5 Series. It was rainy. The boom of thunders could be heard while I was crying and sobbing in the car, thinking of my mistake towards my mother. I was totally miserable at that time. Suddenly, I could not control the car. A big lorry was in front of me. Crash! I hit the lorry! I was semi conscious. It was my punishment after hurting my mother like that. I was sent to the hospital and the doctor told me that I would not be able to walk anymore. I accepted my fate.

I regret what I did to my mother. I was so filled with remorse. She was the one who gave birth to me but yet, I never admitted that she was my mother. She gave me up because she wanted to give me a good education as she was poor. I looked into the album that she kept for 17 years. She did not want me to know about this as she wanted me to be happy. But now, she is no longer with me and I am totally miserable. Despite all that, with hope, I looked forward to another new day

Ntah...

Kadangkala, bila perasaan malas datang, facebook dah ditengok 24 jam ditambah dengan tak tahu nak buat apa, datanglah post yang tak bermotif macam nie:-)...

- walaupun perasaan malas datang, i will try to finish up my homework: Maths exercise, physics question papers, chemistry and biology notes

- half way dah for my ps

- im in dilemma.... I have 4 options for my university choices. what universities to choose: currently in consideration....... (nothing hehehehe)

- Good luck to fendy dalam membuat IC and bank card nyer yang telah dicuri.. Hehehe..

- Sudah menukar layout blog nie untuk kali keberapa ntah disebabkan mengambil nasihat sara yang suruh selalu sign in..Hehehehe

'Koleq' teachers

The news isn’t new for everyone. But, I just found out about it few days ago. My beloved MCKK ‘sensei’ was transferred to Clifford last April on the basis that she didn’t contribute anything to the school @ she wasn’t a superb teacher.

I might not know her very well. She only taught me English when I was in form 2. But one thing for sure, she never failed to ask anything about me everyday. She was very concerned, more than anyone else in MCKK especially about my debating career. She knew when I had problems and whenever she met me:

‘Zuli, senyum lah sikit. Nampak tua dah muka awak tu :-)’ – maybe that’s the reason why I look older than my friends of the same age

I still remember, whenever we (the debaters) finished our meeting quite late, we always called her to order some food. She never failed to disappoint us. And whenever I went back to MCKK (even after SPM), she always contacted me via sms or facebook. We sometimes never failed to chat, asking about everything. However, due to my very packed schedule, I haven’t had the chance to talk to her.

She may not be a ‘superb’ teacher like what the school told her, but she is always a GREAT AND EXTRAORDINARY teacher to me.

Sayonara Sensei Azizah Amin. Thanks for everything. NGA satu! :-)

Since last few years, many teachers decided to leave MCKK even though they really love the school. Some of them have spent most of their lives in MCKK (up to 20 years). But due to the improper management of the school (the principal to be exact) many great teachers left the school. But I know, deep inside their hearts, they want to go back to MCKK.

A few weeks ago, my father met Cg. Malik (who is currently in SBPI Kubang Pasu). He directly asked about me. I still remember when I was a Form 1, I cried because of homesick. My father met him to discuss about this. And the only thing he told my father was to just ignore me until a few months later; I managed to overcome the problem. He told my dad, if he is given the opportunity to be a teacher at MCKK back, he will not hesitate to take the offer.

Ust. Ishak was also the one of the teachers that faced the same problem. He was my warden when I was a Form 1. After more than 10 years serving for MCKK, he decided to leave MCKK. Tukar angin katanya’. A very lovely teacher. Always made jokes and always taught us to be independent.

During my time, there were a few teachers who never entered any class to teach (isn't that what a teacher should do?), but they are still there till now. they have not been transferred to other schools. Maybe because they are 'superb', or maybe because they know how to 'lick' (sounds fishy right) the principal.

Whatever it is i love you all!!!


'' maybe we should change the principal kowt:-)mesti MCKK akan top kembali''

** Sensei Azizah may have forgotten this. When I was a form 2, she told me one thing after her last English class with me in the Japanese Room : 'zulikhwan, I know you can be someone extraordinary out there. Never let anything distract you.'
I always remember her advice until now.......

Nothing much...

Finally, I managed to write something for my blog. Nothing much to say. It has been a while since the last time I posted something here

- The english debate team made it to the semi final – but they lost (the curse which couldn’t be broken since 2004)

- Done with my AS exam which took place for almost 6 weeks!

- Done with our Ecotrip for Biology

- Currently busy with my university application i.e. personal statement workshop and Oxbridge tutorial.

- Done with 2nd semester. Can’t wait to get out of the college to start my degree :-) (insya allah)

- Managed to watch 6 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in just 2 months :-)

- Currently busy with my job attachment for the 4th time at the hospital

- Currently missing like hell my koleq friends (even though I always called fendy and fido)

- Trying to study during holidays

- Finished reading the Kite Runner and Anne Frank

- Planning to read 3 more books before the end of this holiday

- Currently a volunteer at a community centre for learning disabilities

- Planning to a member of Malaysian Red Crescent Society

This is just not me

Last month was very terrible to me.

Things didn’t go as planned. Done with trial. Result wasn’t satisfactory. A big exam is approaching in 1 week. Haven’t prepared anything. Lost my motivation for a while. This is just not my style.

Regret wasting time doing unnecessary things. Should do more things that benefit me. Just don’t know what to do now. Just pray to God. Hope everything will be fine

Many things happened. Better not to talk about them, Most of them were bad

This is just not me. I feel lost. I feel empty. I want everything to be back to normal.

I spend most of my time now remembering my friends in MCKK. Fendy, Rashad, Fido, Yuhaikal, Tapah… cannot get rid of this feeling. should spent more time with them last few days in MCKK..I wish you were here..I wish I could turn the clock back..

I dont want to be a mediocre.. i want to be the best.. But, I feel I am a mediocre right now

All I did last month was not more than just thinking of what will happen.

I feel so isolated.

This is just not me.

A miserable mind with my soul floating in the sky

Reminiscence

Miss sherry and Mus'ab

Mus'ab's birthday

Bm and Bi teams

Fido and Jae

Fido and Jae came to visit me all the way from Taylors a few weeks ago. I was performing my Friday payer when i received a message from Fido..

We are at Saad’s Mosque (KYUEM’s mosque)

OMG. I was so touched . Fido drove and spent his weekend together with Jae just to visit me. Amin and Sara were there too. Thank you

** Fido is one of the best friends I have back then in MCKK. I told him almost every single thing that has happened in my life until now. He's currently in Taylors, doing A-levels. Although we are quite far away from each other, we never fail to keep in touch. I'm so glad to have him in the first place

***********************************

I also came back from PPM northern zone to watch koleq debating. From the last time I saw them debating, I could see lots of improvements. They have been working so hard. Mia has improved a lot! Both teams; BM and Bi made it to the finals. Including the cagers. BM won over STAR but BI lost to STAR. Whatever it is, there are still a few challenges ahead! Hope they will do much better in PPM National.

** I was at SMS Muhammad Jiwa with my sister, Mieza. While watching them in the bus after the final, I cried, remembering my old days debating with Fido, Rashad, Nub and Ed. Debating in MCKK was more than just debating. It was different. We were not just teammates. They were my shoulders to cry on. I miss my time sitting together with Fido, Ed and Nub on my bed every time after debate meeting. We were like a family. Oh, i wish I could turn the clock back!

The Bangsawan Story

Garnet managed to get 2 awards for best costume and best supporting actor. I played a role as the Sultan of that play. The story was brilliant with a twist at the end. Although I has been involved in theater since I was Form 1 with Dongeng Chengeng, it was different for this time around. I was the sultan, the cruel ruler of Inderapura who killed his own bendahara. I'm not going to tell you about the theater, but the inside story of Bangsawan.

I think bangsawan has lost its gist; the initial purpose of having it in the first place. An event that will bring bring everyone together; has turned to be a very stressful one, with eveyone wanted to win. I know winning was not wrong, but when your dream was so powerful, you would hurt people along the way. That didn't include those who did not satisfy with the result. they even wrote down lots of critics against the management team. So not professional. i told Puan Halijah

Puan Halijah, next time we want to have Bangsawan, you should invite other judges. If not, its better not to have Bangsawan.

A lot of efforts have been invested especially by the seniors which sometimes I think too much. their time to study was put aside. i hope they will do better. That is it for now. Overall, i love to be in Garnet because even though we lost, we were the winner in the eyes of the audience.

In life there are 2 types of winning. One is for the moment and another one is for forever.

Balairung

With Pembesar and Dayang

the Sultan will be killed!

the red house of Garnet

the cruel sultan

Turning 19

I already turned 19 on 2nd February. It was indeed a great moment for me to celebrate my birthday in KYUEM. What a blast!

The day started when I received 2 phone calls from my beloved mom and sister. Thank you so much! I also received a few early smsses from my friends around 12 am.

Tan : happy birthday for tomorrow. beware of your door tonight . :-) (9.15 pm)

Edzra : Happy birthday. Moga hepi slalu...miss u

Firdaus kasman : Epi brtday abg zuli (:

Kuru : Hepy besday. sm0ge hepy selalu...fwenshp 4eva

Azman ; Eppi bday

Alifah : May all your wishes cme true, zulikhwan :-)

Eju : Hepi bday zuliks! May Allah bless u & may all ur wishes come true :-)

(all smses above were sent around 12.00 am).. I also received a message from Alifah's mom

Lots and lots more flooded into my inbox. thank you very much, my friends! Not forgetting , my MCKK friends!

I woke up happily. I received a few more wishes from my friends during classes. During my Mathematics class too, Alifah told Mr. Mahatzir about my birthday. So, all my classmates sang a song! Oh, I was so speechless! I could not say any single word. What a nice moment!

Then, around 1.00 pm, i walked to the dining hall for lu nch. Blonde started to tell everyone about my birthday. everyone sang the song in the dining hall. ouh :-)

I was quite surprised to see Gadget and Imran started to paste a few posters. My birthday posters! Haha... I still could not believe that they spent nearly RM 10 just to print the posters

The day went on smoothly until i received a 'warning' message from Jannah

Zuli! ak nk jmpe ko kt kafe pukul 6.30 ptg! wajib dtg!

i was quite worried if i did any mistake to her. i went to the cafe together with judo

Zuli! Aku cakap 6.30 Apasal ngko datang lambat

As I entered the cafe......

happy birthday to you, Zuli!!

A surprise party! OMG, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!!!

Jannah made an effort to organise a surprise party for me together with Alifah, Qili, Azman, Harinn and Amin. We ate and enjoyed the night. I really, really had a whale of a time!

After Bangsawan training, I went back to my chalet around 11.30 pm. Feeling tired, I locked the door of my chalet and switched off the light. i did not want to be bashed! i managed to hide using the same trick a day before. But that night, I could not escape. Judo came to see me . After having a long chat with him, he asked me to follow him just for a while. As I opened my chalet's door, Judo pushed me away and Din, Amin Asmuin, Chaq, Shuk bashed me with water! Argh!

i ran away around the corridor, from kampong topaz all the way to kampong diamond. I could not escape anymore. They chased after me. i could not do anything! Hahaha.

After bashing me, they had another surprise party for me. Ouh! I felt so touched. We ate together

2 days later, I went to bangsawan training. i waited almost 2 hours but, there was no training. I told Dila that I wanted to go back but she insisted me to stay there because the training would start very soon. Luqman came to see me and told me that Azriff wanted to interview me for his assignment. So, i went to the room and Azriff started the interview together with Jocelyn and K-Na. Suddenly, there was a blackout. i was in panic.

Happy birthday to you , Zully!

OMG! I just did not expect it! My pet family arranged another surprise party for me. Ouwh! i just cried as i did not expect that they would celebrate my birthday like this.

Dear friends,

Thank you for giving a wonderful surprise to me! I really had a great time during my birthday. Thank you too for all the gifts you gave to me. but, the most wonderful gift comes from a sincere heart. Thank you.

Mira, and Amy during bangsawan training

Amy said : Zuli! please la photogenic sikit wehh ;D hahaar




P-21

Gifts from friends

Cake!

Wish from P-21

So sweet

Ye lah tu

Birthday bash!

mira said : zuli lg sopan dr aku.down:(

Poster by gadget and imran

Jannah did this! Ouwh

harinn, jannah, amin, azman, alifah, qili and jannah

My brother and job attachment

My brother was admitted to the hospital 4 days ago due to bacteria infection and the doctor allowed him to go back home today. Nothing serious happened but I was totally in a panic on the first day. I was at the hospital to do my job attachment when I heard the news. He first told my parents that his legs were in pain after coming back from the school. My parents brought him to the nearest clinic but the doctor there advised to bring him to the hospital. While he has at the hospital, he was directly referred to the pediatric clinic. X-ray was done to examine his backbone and knees. The doctor could not figure out what went wrong with his legs. The doctor assumed it was due to bacteria infection. He was given a few injections to fight against the bacteria. The blood test was out and everything was fine. The bacteria started to attack the tendon of both knees first then moved to the shoulders’ joints. He’s okay now. I was with him for the whole 4 days until I have done all of my homework because I did not know what to do there. Hahaha. I was also attached to the same ward So, everything is back to normal. But he needed to go back to the clinic a month after. As a treat to that, my parents will bring him to The Carnival tomorrow.

I was so excited and fun while doing my job attachment. It was my first time when I watched 7 operations done in front of me in a day. I was so fascinated with the structure of human anatomy and how a small stone in our gall bladder will affect the whole function of our body. Just imagine, there are 12 operation theaters in the hospital at each theater will perform 8 operations per day from 8 am until 5.00 pm! I felt sorry with the doctors there as they looked extremely exhausted and tired. An operation must be done by 2 doctors. They only took a short break in between the operations just to give ample time for staffs to clean up the mess there. It was during my attachment too, when I saw some people’s reactions would change when they heard they have cancer. Some refused to listen to the doctors as they believed traditional treatments more than anything else until there was an old man’s kidney became smaller due to the traditional treatments given by an unqualified doctor. It was very dangerous!

Oh, if I could change the world, I would have asked for everyone to be healthy.

Ok. That is it for now!

A new CHANGE for everyone??

I wish happy new year to everyone. When new year comes in, people always talk about changes, changes that everyone is hoping to do. So do I. It may sound cliche, but that is the fact of life. Life is a wheel. sometimes, you are at up, sometimes down. so many things happened in 2009, some awere bad but most were pleasurable memories. but that is what makes me stronger in the future. I hope this year will bring changes to everyone for greater good.

So, what are my wishes?

1. I hope everything will be fine..
2. Good results for my a-levels
3. Good friends..
4. My family is in the best of all

I think, that is it. But my new year actually already started from the 1^st Muharram :-). I hope everyone will have a wonderful year. One more week left before i start my college time back.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Our First Biggest Fear

Do you still remember our first biggest fear? Well, for me my first one would be berkhatan. I know it sounded quite hideous for us, but that is our first biggest fear (for boys only) in life.

My brother did face the same fear, khatan. At first, everything was fine. He looked very brave and sounded very confident. So, we expected nothing would happen. However, everything went upside down when the day arrived. My father together with my uncle brought him to the clinic. But, when they arrived there, my brother started to make complaints. He first said that the doctor wasn't professional enough from the way he dressed up. (i think because he was so afraid of it). The he started to complain about lots of things. My mom wasn't there so he said that he needed my mom to be there. They went back home without being khatan. My mom went to the clinic for the second time together with me. Then, he also made lots of complaints and said that khatan is so painful. I told him:

Dik min nak kasi doktor khatan ka atau nak balik rumah biar abang potong sendiri guna gunting?

Maybe he was very afraid of me, he decided to choose the doctor (hahaha).

I still remembered khatan during my time. It was quite easy. My father brought me to the clinic and everything went smoothly. But, the only thing i remembered was that i fainted after that due to the loss of blood. Hahaha. At least, i didn’t make as much chaos as my brother made!

.........................................................................................

I think it is still not too late to wish this:

hikayat kambing masuk air

Who say a goat is afraid of water? Well, you will change your mind after reading my story. It’s not a love story or a ghost story; it is a GOAT’S story.

* Please read it by heart and understand the message behind it. Ignore the flowery phrases I use :-)

I was at my auntie’s house in Pangkor. She is a woman of boundless energy and single-minded drive. She is also a lady of average height and in her early forties. She had wrinkled skin, an aquiline nose and arched eyebrows. With jet-black and shoulder length hair, she looked exactly like Dita Von Teese (this is too much) at first glance.

It was a fine Friday morning as usual. The sun rose majestically in the sky heralding the dawn of a glorious new day and the cheerful chirpings of a multitude of birds could be heard. The earth was alive with insects singing and rustling about in search of food. There was also the blare of music from the radio and the soothing sounds of leaves.

I was sitting on a unique dining table reflecting great English style together with my family and my auntie while enjoying her nasi lemak. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrant smell of nasi lemak - rice cooked in coconut milk served with anchovies, chilli paste, boiled egg, fried peanuts, slices of cucumber and lettuce made my mouth water. I enjoyed that exotic culinary delight.

After that, I went outside the house to read newspapers. It was the ultimate Tudor-style country house with latticed windows and wooden beams. The house had an aesthetic style and emphasised high standards of craftsmanship. The wide cemented porches that lay flat on the surface and a beautifully lush landscaped garden with delicate pale-gold and purple flowers were a sight for sore eyes.

Suddenly, I saw a goat inside a pool near my auntie’s house. I was so dumbfounded to see that. I just did not know where the goat came from. I was so attracted to see how the goat tried to save his life. The goat made a noisy sound, asking for help. After a few minutes of struggling in the pool, a few other goats came near the nearly drowning goat, trying to help him. But, they couldn’t do anything. The goat was still ‘screaming’. With the intelligence that God gave to him, he tried to find ways of escaping from death at that moment. Finally, luck was on his side. The goat saved his life with no one’s help. He used the intelligence that God gave to it to find a big stone in the pool. He climbed the stone, pushed his body and voila! He made it.

It was quite fun to see how the goat could save his life. But until now, I still could not figure out how the hell on Earth, a goat can enter a house with fence around it? There was no goat farm near the house. Oh, maybe God wanted to show something.

I just could not sleep that night. I still could not understand it. Maybe God wants to show us something. That is us in real world. If we want to be successful in life, we cannot rely on other people. Instead, we need to make a drastic move. We need to do it on our own. We need to change ourselves. That is the reality of life. We cannot depend on others to be successful in life. That is why God wants us to think. If an animal that God does not give any ability to think can survive, why not us? Remember, we are not animals. We have brains. So, use them

Reflect and think about it

Allah says: "Allah will not change the fate of a people until they change their own fate." (Ar-Ra'du:11)

eid ul adha

I just came back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang to celebrate raya there. This year only, I went back there for 3 times :-) . Nothing interesting happened. It was just normal raya ( but still fun) with korban. Oh yeah! My grandpa had korban. I was so touched to hear takbir. Oh, I wished I was in front of Kaabah during that moment.

So, enjoy the photos !!!

my auntie who is currently a teacher (2nd raya at Pantai hiburan)

the family of 7 R ( roshidah @ my mom, rodziah, roslan, rosna, rosli, rofiza, ruslizayanti)

My mom, dad n lily

korban

in front of my grandpa's house @ tesco because of the size of the house :-)