Closure of My Awesome First Year in Aberdeen-licious

Finally, I finished my first year of medical school. It was hard, I must say. So, what makes medical school very hard? For an obvious reason, I must say that medical school is very competitive. Getting into a medical school is already competitive, especially medical schools with good reputations. I guess what makes it hard is the fact that medical school is a centre of competitions, with those studying medicine are mostly top scorers, and those who are full of confidence. In my batch only, half of us are graduate/mature students with most of them already have a degree/master, whereas the other half is those who come fresh from high schools, but have a dozen of As under their belts.

Studying for the first year is tough I must say, the fact that it is a transition period of you from the so called memorizing technique of high schools. What makes medicine hard is also the fact that you have to know exactly so many things, not just memorizing them, more importantly to be able to understand the gist of the topic very well. We are not scientists, who want to know every single reaction in the body, nor the famous philosophers, who deal with creative thinking and ideas. We are healers, in which we deal with scientific and correct facts. Added to that, we need to be able to have great people’s skills, so that we can provide comfort to the patients.

In my university, they will teach you everything including how to greet the patients. So what makes it hard for me? I guess it is a simple reason of having an initial thought about changing my career – after losing my confidence in becoming a doctor plus seeing my potentials in other professions (as suggested by Zamri).

But after the hard first year, I finally realize that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m totally geared up for the second year, Insya allah I want to be the changing agent to the world in medicine. It is still a long way to go for me, and hopefully my passion will continue to glow and blossom day by day

As I told Norain Ishak before this, studying medicine is like being in a relationship with your loved one. You cannot take it easy, otherwise your love will run away from you, nor being too hard on yourself or on the partner, because that will create a massive tension in both of you. Treat it like you know it will always be there for you, it is just a matter you making it more interesting or not.

To tell you the truth, for the first semester, I always study like I don’t want to fail and I always have in my mind that studying for medicine is the hardest thing. It never works that way. Yes, we have to be realistic and we need to know medicine is hard, but don’t always remind yourself it is hard. After all, this is what we want to do for the rest of our lives, and we don’t want to always be in misery

Getting a decent degree is our priority, making our own circle of friends from the same course is another thing. You dont want to end up studying and not understanding things alone.

Have trust in what you do, God will always help you.

Yes This Is for You

I still cannot get rid of you. i really like and love you, but I am not so sure whether I should tell you or not because it is wrong. I told you once, and it was a disaster

A simple text from you really made my day. Even hearing to your voice for one second gave me the extra strength I need

Oh Lord, please tell me what to do. If the person is my crush, that the thought should dissapear in 3 months. But if it is love, only death does us apart

A Much Clearer Vision

I have now decided what to do. In the next 5 years, I really hope I can finish my medical degree, as well as planning to do my intercalated and I am looking to do medical sciences + management in Imperial. Hopefully in 5 years, I will graduate with a medical and surgical degree, together with BSc in medical sciences. I later plan to stay in Aberdeen finishing my housemanship training, and later on continue doing PhD in healthcare. I want to come back to Malaysia not just as a top surgeon but also as a part time educator, teaching younger generation achieving their dreams

It takes sometimes before you can realise what you want to achieve in life. Exam is coming up and I need to focus to getting it done. I have got a great plan for Summer and I dont want to screw it up

Perhaps some think this seems a but too much or bragging, but I just need the determination to develop myself and come back ready to contribute to society. After all, you cannot give back if you arent ready

Sorry for all the nasty pictures in facebook. Sometimes the childish side of myself glows. But it is just an expression of how I am actually a bit dissapointed with some of my coursemates who are being racists and mark me down for the group works. Especially when you are alone, with no one to talk about and your friends seem to be busy with exams and you dont want to disturb them.

It is hard to deal with something like this but I am working my butt off to find a solution. And I have requested to change my group next semester.

We Are Not Being Ignorant

I hate it when people directly said those who are not joining the BERSIH Demonstration were being ignorant. Some would also say that we should be there because in the next 5 years, we will be leading the country.

It is not that some students are being ignorant. I also did not join the demonstration simply because I am currently being sponsored by a government agency. Because I signed the contract, it is clearly stated there that we arent allowed to participate in any political movement and that includes Barisan or Pemuda UMNO. If you really want to join such like that movement, then do not sign the contract. I have given my commitment to my sponsor, and thus I should follow it. This is my duty for now. Yes I want to do something to my country, but as for now it is better focussing on developing myself. This is the amanah given to us, dont screw it up.

It is just like working in a company. If you think the company is not efficient, do something. If it doesnt work, leave it. Theres no reason why you should still be working there just for the sake of money, putting what you believe aside.

Secondly, about PTPTN. I dont really support in free education, nor leaving it the way it is. What should be done is to do it like the sponsored students are having right now. We get monthly allowance, but if we fail to achieve certain grades, we have to pay it back. Living in Scotland in which the education is free, I can see many problems. Maybe the email sent by my professor below (every month we will get the same email) is one of the problems faced here:

Lectures: Those of you who attended this morning’s 9 o’clock lecture will have heard Dr Davies’s comments about the complaints we have received about the disruptive behaviour of some Year 1 students during lectures. It is a pity that some of you have to be reminded of what is reasonable conduct and I would be grateful if you could please respect the fact that the majority of students attend lectures to LEARN rather than to chat/use mobile phones/eat/interfere with the learning of others. Please also bear in mind that even though YOU may not be paying tuition fees, a significant number of those attending your lectures ARE paying thousands of pounds for this learning experience! Now you are no longer at school, we do expect all our students to behave in an adult manner during lectures and to show courtesy to their fellow students and lecturers.

Think about it.

Note to myself

I was googling and reading previous posts by my friends and coaches back then in MCKK. And I started to realise the sparks that I have lost after MCKK. Should not blame anyone nor KYUEM, but the blame shall lie on myself

Sometimes, reading all these made you realise how much you miss the old version of yourself. And how much you miss some people, but nothing you could do at the moment because things started to become so awkward.

And I started to realise the focus + determination that I have lost along the way. If I could turn the clock back, I will

Hating It

Humans have never been satisfied with what they have. Please think about others too. The world is not just about us. It is about other people. Dont ask everything to be your way only

Till We Meet Again

It is your birthday and I dont know what else to say to you. I have said every single thing about you to the point that I have lost myself. Just one thing I hope from you, may you find happiness there. And i hope you can let me move on. Just leave me alone for now, so I dont have to think about you again

Insyallah, God has promised that one day we shall see each other again. Till then, lots of love from me. I miss you, totally miss you but I will not cry like I used to. You will always be my love and sweet heart, will always be because you are the only one who totally understands me

Random Thought

She has lost both of her parents. But yet, she looks so strong. She was in the same A-levels college. Even when the day was raining for me, I still could remember she was the one providing the umbrella to me, and I also remembered your advice to me when we were talking at MPH in KYUEM

When you met her, you wouldnt know what she has gone through in life. The first moment I met her, we were laughing, and we used to talk in the cafe. She would hide every single tear and joy. And yet, her heart is sreaming

i was stalking her blog just now. Read a poem she wrote to both of her parents. And I could see that she really missed them.

When the world gets tougher for her, she only gets stronger day by day. She didnt make it to the UK together with her closest friends. But, that did not stop her to work harder. When I gave up in faith after the A-levels result, she could still give comfort words through sms. And she's now working hard to get a second chance to get abroad - maybe Canada

Im not good at giving compliments, nor telling people that I relly admire them. This is just another way of telling you how much I admired you

You know who you are. I dont have to tell you. This is a random thought. Sometimes, it is very hard to tell you how much I admire you. Because we have never been serious to each other. And everytime I wanted to be serious to you, I couldnt because the way I know you is different, you are such an easy going girl

This is not a post to say I love you. This is just a post of how thankful I am to know you as my friend. Good luck in whatever you do Shikin. (look again, we cannot talk about serious issues)

F**K

I should never say the F word. But, the heart needs to be fed, and the brain too. Will be back after the exam. Oh gosh! I havent written about Amsterdam

Mediocrity

Enough being a mediocre for 3 years. I need to push myself more. Being a mediocre is not good. It only puts myself in misery

To Whom It May Concern

Dear My Person,
Last night we had the longest conversation ever. Almost 6 hours talking to you through phone felt almost nothing for me. I called you last night because I wanted to tell you that we had to put a distance between us. It is not that I dont like you, it is because I love you so much that I know when is the right time to say good bye. My feeling for you is overwhelming, too strong that I tend to lose myself in you. I will always remember you, will always do. But I need to think of myself. Naim told me to put myself first, even above you no matter how much I loved you.

But last night, I finally realised that you actually felt the same thing for me. You wanted us to be closer, and for that reason i think I could not get rid of you. But i shall wait for the perfect moment to let you go

What we have is never wrong. What you feel about me is also not wrong at all. It is just what I feel about you is a mistake. But I cannot afford to put our relationship in risk by telling you how much i feel and care about you at the moment. I shall keep the feeling to myself and let God help me to deal with it.

Like you say, things happen for a reason for yet we dont know why. You tell another person the same thing, but you yourself are still in love with that person because your love to that person is never wrong, but my love to you is wrong. I just wish I can be at that person's place whom you love the most so that I dont have to workd hard to get your attention

I hope you dont forget me as you promised. For now, I really need to focus on my studies. Otherwise, the same thing will happen again.

This is what I wanted to tell you when you wanted to try to get the person in our conversation. But I was afraid last night you might never like me anymore

All of us have learnt that things change, people change, and it does not mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go does not mean giving up. It means accepting that certain things were not meant to be

Maybe I should say the same to me. I will and till then, let us leave it there

FOR NOW, LET US ENJOY THE MOMENT THAT WE HAVE TOGETHER. Otherwise, we will fight again, just like we always do

Warmest Love,
Zulikhwan.

You know who you are if you happen to read my blog

#TravelNote: Brussels and Bruges, Belgium (the country I will never visit again)

1) When I first arrived in Brussels, I can feel a very bad vibe there. But Im not so sure why

2) This is a country with 157 races and ethnics. A very cosmopolitan place, and I would say more cosmopolitan and diverse than London until I was not so sure whether I was in a European or Middle East country

3) I have to say that Brussels is ugly. It looks a bit like Pudu, but much dirtier than Pudu. Even the local people there also say that Brussels is ugly. This is quoted from a local guy there ' we know Brussels is ugly but we love it. Even if we dont like it, we just live with it'. Even though this is one of EU capitals, it is not well maintained

4) And because it was so ugly, we decided to go to Bruges on the next day to give a different impression of the place like In Bruges movie

5) Bruges is a lot nicer (maybe because it is located at the countryside). It looks a bit like St Andrews. It is worth visiting Bruges than Brussels. We were surprised because Bruges is a totally different entity. A spontanenous trip to Bruges should cost you around 27 euros. However, you can get a coupon of 10 rides for only 50 euros for students below 26. This coupon can be shared with many people. Since there were 3 of us, we only use 6 rides (to and fro). This method is way cheaper because it costed us around 17 euros

6) Bruges looks like a typical British village that you can find a lot in Scotland. If you have been to a Scottish village, Bruges is not worth a visit because Scottish villages are way better! The only thing I hate about Bruges is the smell! It is so smelly and sourvenirs are quite expensive

7) Bruges is a UNESCO site. A must visit place there is the Lace Factory. I bought a handmade handbag for mom for only 20 euros. Very cheap if you know how to bargain!

8) Speaking of Brussels, there is still a nice side of the town where you can get Chanel, Versace, Bally, Gucci and Jimmy Choo (I forgot the name of the road). You can also see the whole view of Brussels from that side - I think it is where the Palace of Justice is located

9) Sourvenirs there are a lot cheaper (again if you know how to bargain). I get a decent fridge magnet which should be 4 euros, for only 1.50 euros!

10) They speak many languages which sometimes you dont understand!

11) Food is extremely cheap. A decent lunch costs us 3 euros! There is a street near the city centre with full of decent restaurants that you might want to visit!

12) Beware of the people there! Most of them look like rapists and you really, really have to be aware of the people. A spanish guy was asking us the direction to the tram station. He then said thank you so he hugged Naim saying it was a Spanish style (by the way, i quite doubted he is a spanish judging from the accent). It turned out he tried to steal Naim's wallet! Thank God Naim realised and so Naim was pushing him away with his butts! Haha

13) When we were walking down the sreet, a stranger invited me to get into his car because he wanted to have sex with me!

14) Overall, it was not a pleasant experience for me in Belgium. but it is unfair since I am just talking based on what I saw and experienced. Somebody might experience it the other way. Nevertheless, you should visit this country so that you will be thankful with what we have in Malaysia. A 2 day trip is more than enough.

Last stop! Amsterdam

#TravelNote: Luxembourg (The tale of a landlock kingdom)

1) Have you ever been to a kingdom in a fairy tale, in which it has a massive defense wall, connected with a viaduct and full of secret roads? Well, if you do want to go to a country like that, Luxembourg should be your choice!

2) The whole country is a UNESCO site. So, you can really, really be sure that this country looks exactly like the kingdom in all the fairy tales! I really mean it. It is a truly European country, with most of them are whites and I havent seen any Pakistanis or Indians here. Most of the tourists are also whites! The temperature is quite low (you can expect it to be 0 degree even during Easter), with most of the places are like the castles in the fairy tales

3) Most of them speak French (which is a major influence here), Spanish and some speak English since English is also a compulsory subject in schools.

4) The map is quite hard to understand since the town is also divided into 2, the upper part which is located at the above ground (just like in the fairy tales where the castle will be on the top), the lower grounds for most of the houses. They have walking roads connecting both sides, a lift for disabled too. And be aware of many secret roads, including between the houses and also tunnels!

5) It is totally a unique experience because I have never been to a place like this. I have been to several places in the UK, Dublin and Paris, but nothing can beat the beauty and uniqueness of Luxembourg!

6) This is a place with most Michelin awarded restaurants. You might want to expect the food to be a bit expensive. However, if you know how to look for cheap food, you can just spend up to less than 10 euros for lunch and dinner - I did that! hehe

7) I recommend you to stay in the youths hostel located at the lower part of the country/city. It is easily accessible, very very nice and comfortable, cheap with breakfast included ( and free washing machines!)

8) I recommend you to have most of your meals from a restaurant called Quick Hamburger since it is very cheap. A set of 2 fish o fillet burgers will only cost you 7 euros - and bear in mind that McD, Subway and most restaurants also have students discount. Ask for it. Just bring your passport and show your visa!

9) The casemates bock is a must visit place since it is one of the most amazing defence walls I have ever visited. it is very long (ask for the students price for only 2.80 euros). You can expect the view to be like in the History Channel and it can surely beat Disneyland!

10) Most of the people here speak French. They understand English, but they cannot talk back to you.

11) Bargaining is not common here. We tried to bargain several times, but we couldnt, ended up the shop owner told here that it is not common here

12) Luxembourg has the highest GDP in the world (if Im not mistaken), and the only country which practises sovereign grand duchy. The grand duke of Luxembourg is also a handsome and smart man =)

13) I recommend readers to do a day trip here since you can easily get to everywhere in a day (it is a small country), especially when you visit France, just drop by at Luxembourg for a day. It is something that you wont regret coming here. I believe many people have never heard about Luxembourg since it is very expensive and small. But you wont regret it. the view is sooo stunning. you can move around by just walking! A must visit place for a truly European experience!

14) owh yeah. Souvenirs are also expensive here. You better buy them from the Saturday market they have in the Place'd Armes =)

15) Luxembourg is pronounced as Lu- Zhim - Burg, and not La- Zhem - Berg. A french woman corrected my pronunciation =)

16) Master several Lambourgish words wont cause any harm. For instance = Moien means hello, Swatrz Dir Englesih = can you speak English?

Next Stop: Brussels, Belgium (okay, I have uploaded several pictures here and for the post before this since my reader asked to do so. for more amazing pictures, please stalk my FB - after the exam in may! hehe =) ). First three is Paris and the next two is Luxembourg!

#TravelNote: Paris,France (the way I see Love from the top of Eiffel Tower)

1) The food here is very cheap if you know how to get it: we got 1 whole roasted chicken for only 5 euros. Everyday, we only spend 5 euros on lunch, breakfast and dinner.

2) You need to have a very strong bargaining skill. Key rings before bargain = 50 cents. After: 1 euro = 7 pieces. What Naim and I did was we challenged ourselves who could get the cheaper ones

3) Their English is very bad. We master several easy words like bonjour, merci, and can you speak English - just to get much cheaper sourvenirs for family and friends

4) Scamming is quite common in Paris. Dont get dragged into one of their scams

5) 2 visitors from China trusted us with 1400 euros to get 3 wallets from Louis Vuitton outlet since the outlet there only allows maximum of 1 piece per customer (somebody told me that it only applies to visitors from China). We went into the outlet, and had a thought it was a scam, then went out and told them the wallets ware out of stock (for the first time we went into LV outlet and in fact, were being nicely treated by the workers there)

6) Students studying in the UK (including international ones) should know that it is free to get into Louvre (and please ask the people near the ticket counter, not the security guards as they dont understand English so they tend to misunderstand what we say). Bring your passport too and there is also youths price for the Eiffel Tower (3.20 euros)

7) French men and women are very, very gorgeous,more gorgeous and nicer than those in London - Im talking about the physical beauty as well as the outfits. (if in London, a 60 year old man may look a bit messy, in France they look very smart and well-dressed).

8) Versailles is the most amazing garden I have ever seen while Lourve is the largest museum/palace I have ever visited too. Not to forget, it was also my first time climbing up Eiffel Tower. You might want to just walk in Paris rather than taking Metro because it is cheaper (well it is free actually) and you will never tired looking at the architectures (and places for photos too =P)

9) French people are extremely nice even though they cannot speak English very well. Reall like them. 5 stars for that. However, the road is quite dangerous, especially when you want to cross it, not like the UK. They will just ignore you even though it is the green light for you to cross it =)

10)the Abercrombrie and Fitch mansion in Champs Elysees is a must visit place. Hehe. You will be amazed because the mansion is full of hot and shirtless male models standing and dancing there to attract customers and for us to take photos - still could not believe I actually took a picture with a male model like those in TVs!!!!!

11) Notre Dame is the most magnificient church I have ever visited. It is so massive and the architecture is so detailed - taking hundred of years to be built

12)Overall, Paris is very,very,very cheap (if you know how to bargain and get the cheap food), a bit overrated (it is quite smelly and the metro stinks a lot), ancient/old (well some say it is ugly), divided into two: cheap and expensive areas (the cheap one is where you can get pretty nice and cheap stuff and the expensive one is where Arch de Triomphe, Abercrombie and Fitch mansion, Gucci, LV and other high class fashion outlets are located)

13)A bit dissapointed with Paris. Nevertheless, it is more exciting than London (especially the night life here) and there is always something to do and visit here (including stalking people =P)

14) Paris will be my annual visiting place! - for more exciting photos, please look at my FB after my exam =)

Next stop: Luxembourg

Im a Malaysian, not a Singaporean

Most of my friends think Im from Singapore. They say I look like a Singaporean. I am not so sure whether its something good or bad, but Im from Malaysia and Im proud to be a Malaysian.

I have to admit Singapore and Malaysia has many similarities, because Singapore was a part of Malaysia. Due to several reasons (which I found so biased if I quote from the History textbook in secondary school) Singapore wanted to seperate from Malaysia (something Tun didnt agree on until he publicly critised T. Abdul Rahman for economic reason). Singapore and Malaysia do have this so called hate-love relationship. We hate each other, be it the country of the people. However, deep inside, we do have manu cultural similarities that we find it much easier to mingle with them. But, for whatever reason it is, there is no doubt we should appreciate whatever happened in the past, and try to spur love around the world

Im currently on a Eurotrip with my friends to 4 countries. Im just taking a break from medicine to feel relief n relaxing a bit (even though Im actually doing Clinical Skills at the moment ehe) and my final will be afterwards.

Kudos to MCKK juniors for SPM. True enough we should be the best boarding school in Malaysia. However, dont be pressured to be the first in SPM (but that doesnt mean we have to be mediocre). Budak koleq has never taught to be a bookworm, but we are taught to be leaders (this may sound a bit cliche - we are taught about brotherhood - something which is starting to dissapear from budak koleq). My mother's friend is an ex-TKC. My mom once complained about MCKK's academic achievement to her. She then told me, It is okay they dont do very well in SPM because they have never taught to be so. But once they have fully grown into adults, they will bring changes to the country. For whatever reason, choose whatever you want to do the best. Good luck!

I also want to wish good luck to my KY juniors for their trials next week especially Safrizal, Nana, Wawa, Hanis, Syafiq Akmal and Garnet juniors. Hope to see familiar faces in the UK later on

* im starting to get excited for Summer. Hopefully everything turns out fine

Thinking too Much

I think I do have a problem with myself. I always tend to think tooo much on many things. Critically and hardly. Not just on personal issues, but also national problems (which are out of my concern at the moment) like corruption and the next election

Dad always told me, I have this side of myself, which sometimes can be negative and sometimes can be positie. Ignorance is never a bliss. Everything is my business and I will take everything seriously. Dad asked me to take some time just for myself to relax and enjoy myself. He advised me to go for a break and come back starting a fresh start

He is right. I should be more focus and do not take everything seriously. I should. It is our nature of being a human being an sometimes we cannot change everything the way we want it to be (sometimes I also wish to be the next prime minister. I swear this is too much and not funny, but this is who I am)

The Road to be a Doctor

People always say that being a doctor is always hard, and comparing with other courses, medicine is a lot tougher than you can imagine, especially when you are trying to adjust yourself with the course

At first, I did not believe it. I thought that they exaggerated a lot about the course. And I thought that medicine was so over rated. And only now, I started to realise how tough medicine can be. No wonder why this course has the highest number of students with mental problems, not to mention those who commit suicide.

And now, I am seriously considering becoming an underwear model. I dont need a degree, just a pretty face and beautiful body. How easy my life can be

p/s: please forgive my innocence and random thoughts. It is 3 am here and I need a little break. Hehehe

My Personal Statement

I have actually promised to myself that if I get an offer from the UK medical school, I shall upload my personal statement. Today, one of my juniors asked me to give opinions about his personal statement (even though it is quite late), and this post came across my mind for future reference. Bear in mind, this personal statement was written 3 months before Lily passed away. Enjoy and comment is appreciated =)

**************

Like any brother, I also want to hear my younger sister calling 'Ikhwan' for the first time - this is the reason why I have never lost faith in the power of medicine. She is mentally and physically ill, suffering from thalassemia Major. Even after partial liver removal and Desferal injections every day, her prospect of getting better is minimal. Growing up with her, I felt helpless and worried at the same time. Yet, it was this feeling that drove me to see medicine more than just about palliative care, but as a worthwhile life-changing experience.

I also have a deep appreciation of life. Hence, helping others to experience theirs gives me a sense of accomplishment. Learning Chemistry and Biology began to introduce knowledge of biochemical reactions in the body and application of theories, while studying Mathematics and Physics has developed logical thinking skills. Reading medical journals and conducting medical forums on abortion and euthanasia in my college, coupled with gaining a High Distinction in the National Chemistry Quiz, have nurtured my curiosity for all the complexities and medical mysteries of the human body. I feel blessed to have been awarded a Central Bank scholarship to read medicine in the UK after being one of the Nation's Top Achievers at SPM level.

My attachments at general hospitals have affirmed my decision to be a doctor. Witnessing operations, such as a transurethral resection of a bladder tumour and laparoscopy, taught me that this vocation involves not just healing patients physically, but also instilling hope in them, especially when they are on the verge of losing hope in what medicine can offer. Speaking personally to the patients in the oncology wards and attending a mortality meeting brought me closer to the patients, thus helping me to improve my bedside manner. I believe what I have gained so far has partially prepared me for the challenges ahead.

My research in Autism for the Biology project has led me to volunteer at community centres for children with learning disabilities. There, I learnt not only to converse with people with various medical problems, but also to understand them - directly improving my communication skills. Guiding Ross, a Downs-syndrome patient, to go to the toilet independently taught me about humility and empathy, values which will help me to treat patients with love and care, rather than merely out of a duty.

As the Secretary of the Red Crescent Society and Chairman of my school's paramedic team, my active service gave me an early insight into first-aid treatment, hence improving my decision-making and manual dexterity. It was the most satisfying feeling to see my friend recovering from a sports injury, knowing that I had provided assistance. As a Debate Captain, 'thinking out of the box' comes naturally to me as I always try to give coherent arguments without forgetting my conscience. I also learnt not just about organising skills, but how to handle pressure in the most difficult situations by representing Malaysia in the Asia-Pacific Young Leaders Summit. I am currently doing the Duke of Edinburgh Award in which I have challenged myself to perform beyond the confines of my physical and mental norms by having to survive in the jungle for a few nights. As someone who did not even know how to return a ball, I have progressed to volleyball state level, through teamwork and perseverance. Taking a full-time visual arts class is an outlet for my creativity. All these experiences contribute to my holistic development as a person.

My interest in paediatrics will hopefully open doors to build my own foundation programme for 'special' children like my sister, inspiring them to achieve their dreams despite their physical and mental limitations. I wish to discover more about the science of humanity which is always with us - Medicine.

Aspiration, well at least

I was randomly stalking one of my closest friends, and he mentioned about how focus I am, with huge aspirations and determinations. Maybe he is right, I need to have a bit of wake up call, and I start my new resolution by giving fresh air to this blog.

This blog has been a part of my life. It needs something to stay the way it is. A tale of my personal experiences and opinions. A wake up call is good, and whether we can stay with it or not, it is a different set of stories. What is more important is to at least, try to do everything possible.

Maybe it takes someone to tell us how much we have changed

The shame of the unspoken truth when being told once to people

I finally couldnt control my feeling anymore. I totally miss my late sister. I still can remember vividly the moment I blamed God for taking her too soon especially during the most important phase of my life. And finally I let the tears conquer me when I joined the usrah last thursday. It wasn't only the tear of regret, regretting for whatever I did in the past (things which I shall not write it down here) more importantly the tear of anger, being angry to myself for letting the emotions control me. My closest friend once said things happen for a reason for yet we dont know why. But up until know, I still wonder whats the reason behind it. I still cannot figure it out, for yet I was left alone in the world of misery and confusion.

Kak Ada (which I refer as cikgu since she's leading our usrah) told me that she knew something was bothering me the moment she met me, and only last thursday when I burst into tears in front of her.She said apart from whatever I potrayed on the outside, I do have a pure heart. And I still want to believe her. But I couldnt keep myself from asking her, why God is doing this to me after everything He gave to me. She asked me to believe in qada and qadar, and shes ready to help me if I need her help.

Again, im not a type of person who will join any usrah. Well in fact when I was in KY and MCKK, I would run away from joining these activities. Anyone who knows me would say the same thing. Only in Aberdeen, I finally met these people, who arent as judgmental as I thought they would be. But up until now, they still couldnt help me to find the answer, more importantly my purpose of life.

True enough, my sister passed away 1 year ago, and for any normal person, I should have been recovered by now. Some would say I'm taking it so hardly, and some would say I'm a bit emotional. Yes I admit I'm taking it so hard on myself, as for me everything happened so fast and I'm still in the journey of finding the reason behind it. I'm not blaming God for this as He has given every minute for me to reflect and think, but the blame lies on me as I always ask myself, why I still keep Lily hunting me. And still letting myself be drowned in the shadow of the mistakes done in the past. Everything happens so fast, that I don't have time to properly sit and talk with my family. I already discussed with my regent, Dr Affleck as I told her that I couldnt continue like this. This may not affect my academics, but I start to believe it begins to conquer my personality as I can easily get distracted and not working hard enough to achieve my goal. I'm not used to be like this. My personality is strong that everyone who knows me, would have told me the same thing. I now started to be a mediocre, and let destiny take me to wherever she wishes to. Dr Affleck suggested me to take a year off from anything, and I'm seriously thinking about that. As for now, I just want to focus on getting 1st year a glorious one, which I dont have the determination to do so. Up until now, I hope whoever reads this, won't let themselves be in the same misery as I am.

Tok's health is getting worse as she is undergoing another cataract operation for her eyes. On top of that, shes still in the battle fighting with the cancer. Owh Lord, I still have my trust in you and only to you we will return. But I still dont know what to do if I lose Tok, who has been taking care of me since I was small. And please show me the reason behind it... Not only letting me in this world of doubt-ness