...reflection OF life...

Tiredness kills

2012-01-23T05:53:00.001-08:00

I have never beeen this tired and lazy before. I need to keep up with the workloads. Haha and i shall write a good post after this. And Im serious this time

The Hypocratic Oath only mentions not to do harm on people. Like my lovely lecturer once said - our job is not to do harm to people, not to heal them. That is why it is hard because you learn not to kill people. Insya allah I can do this. And insyaallah everything will be fine. Just fine for me to be a great person. Chewahh..

Till then readers!

... when the words cannot describe the feeling

2012-01-03T04:53:00.000-08:00

the blog has been abandoned for quite some time due to my own ignorance of not trying to spare time to write something. Nevertheless, the blame shouldnt fall on my side only since I do not get any proper access to internet as my laptop is broken. It's new year and 2011 has been a great year to me. As typical as it sounds to wish happy new year to everyone, 2011 has been a year in which Ive learnt so many things - which a post wont be enough to describe it. Im currently busy with my exams which will be on January 10th onwards, and as usual i have always been praying that I shall be doing my best for the coming assessments.

And Im glad to say that I have done my best to spare some ample time and space to my friends in London - the golden rule in which Ive learnt since early age. But I guess, everyone has grown up and has so many things that demand their commitment in which they find that spending a few minutes for a cup of coffee with friends is not worth - that everyone of us has been so preoccupied to do many things. It's selfish for me to say that - but sometimes you just cannot run away from the fact that if you can make time time for others, why cant they do the same thing - in which I believe that God has given us enogh time to sit and reflect.

how do i feel after 1 year since Lily passed away? Nothing because nothing has changed so much that requires much of my attention. and i guess nothing can describe the feeling I have now =)

I shall come out with a proper post after this.This post is just to make sure that my readers know the blog is still alive. I will start my personal stories after this- which i hope we all can learn something from it =)

I am strong(or even pretending to be stronger than ever)

2011-12-03T03:04:00.000-08:00

It is awkward to pretend not having a strong feeling on someone, but yet you yourself, are fighting with your own emotions. It is awkward to deny the feeling I have for you, even though it is a pain to myself. It's awkward when seeing your face everyday and talking to you really make my day, but now I have to pretend to be normal to you. Maybe it is true what you say to me: Things happen for a reason for yet we dont know why. Insya allah we can figure out our way out of this mess.

You know why Im always hard on you, and will always do. Just leave it there. We have to move on. We both have our dreams to be chasing after. And I, I have made a promise to myself that I will never turn back, no matter how much I love you, no matter how nice you have become, no matter how much sorry you say to me, and no matter how painful it is for me. I will never turn back, even once, because loving you is the best thing I have ever done, and letting you go is the hardest thing to do. But, I will never forget you. It may take some time, but i will try, even harder to never think of you - and because I love you so much that I know when is the right time to say good bye..

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Living under your own shadow is not a privilege, but rather a wrong choice being made. You have to put off the mask from yourself. Showing a smile to everyone even when you suffer is not good - because ignorance is never a bliss...

owh how i admire her =)

2011-11-29T23:27:00.000-08:00

im not a type of person who can easily get impressed with other people. But, Im so impressed with her. Sometimes, whenever we feel that we have gone through enough, there are still people who face worse than that.

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there will be a point when you realise that you have been there, and you have done that. You might want to find other things interesting, and that is when you decide to grow up =).

updates!

2011-11-17T08:49:00.001-08:00

When you walk around Aberdeen, there will be people giving weird and disgusting looks to you. It is just another day as an international student in Aberdeen. But the only way to kill them is by giving the most sincere smile. When i did my history taking on a patient, she did not want me to do that just because Im not a Caucasian. How did I react to the situation? The old Zulikhwan will always be radical and will somehow say, ‘next time you need my help, dont ask for it.’ But i guess people all grow up, and I am one of them. I replied to her, ‘ok, i will get my collegue to do that for you. In case you need anything, just give me a shout.

When i have to survive on my own, i learnt so many things – and many people just sometimes to believe that i did everything on my own, managing my flat, financial status, tax, bills, studying and so on. Im sometimes surprised with myself, and of course it has helped me to be more confident now, and I wish I can learn as much as I can from Aberdeen

** I will somehow start with my childhood stories after this. This is not another episode of self pity from me. I just want people out there to be inspired by them, and achieve whatever they want to achieve. And i hope you will always be happy =)

Fighting for Dominican and Costa Rica

2011-10-20T09:52:00.001-07:00

Every day, things just get better for me. Im still trying to adapt with the workloads i have to do, but it’s normal for a medical student. I went to Saint Andrews and Dundee to visiti my friend there, Lee Chin Wei. We were very close back then in KY because he was my senior, staying in a chalet next to mine. The trip was good, and we catched up with each other a lot. It has been nearly 2 years we didnt meet up with each other, but the beauty of friendship is that we always make some time and space to just say hi to each other. Lee is a Chinese, while Im a Malay, and of course the common stigma people will have is that there will always be some difficulties to just talk with each other. But, i noticed that, I never find racial issue as a barrier to make friends, in fact most of my closest friends come from different races. We always put racial barrier aside, and sometimes, we just make jokes out of it (Vicky!)

Lee has grown up, and of course everyone is growing up too. He’s doing very well in St Andrews, getting into top 10 every exam he has. I still remembered the ‘previous Lee’ before this, someone who always stayed in the room until late at night. But along the way, we find that that’s not the whole point of living a life. He has changed, from a bookworm, to someone who has a pretty good and balanced social life there. At the end, it doesnt matter from which university you come from. What matters the most is the values and lessons you learn in living a life.

Im currently working on a voluntary project in countries, and I hope that I will be able to raise enough funds to do my community service with Alice and a few other locals here. What we have in mind are Dominican Republic, South Africa, Costa Rica, Eastern Europe, Thailand, Australia and New Zealand. It’s going to be a 2 week project, which costs around 50 000 pounds (or 1000 each person), and we hope we can raise enough money before summer. I find that this will be a great chance to learn more about people, and share the beauty of life with others. But Im still fighting to do it in Costa Rica and Dominican Republic, since both countries are very poor, and i want all my teammates to feel, what it is like when you dont always get what you one. I notice that some of them have not been thankful enough with what they have

Thank You and everything that comes along =)

2011-10-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

the song is dedicated to my friends, especially Naim and Safrizal (and you will know why)

I have been too preoccupied with all the medical-related things that I have to do and I finally forget to update my blog which has been a part of myself. It’s true that God has given us 24 hours, and we should be able to ‘squeeze’ in between those, spending some time to do something that we always do. That’s the wonder of life. We have to make some time and space for others, so that we will never forget everything that comes along, trying to appreciate every second God has granted to us.

I have promised to write down my thankful note, but I finally realise that the list is too long to be written, and most importantly I’m afraid that I might forget certain people. Let me keep the list to myself, and I find it better to be this way =)

I’m currently in Aberdeen, studying medicine here. Aberdeen Medical School is a very great school, and I have to say that. It has always been in Top 5 for 7 years (except for this year) and it’s an honour for me to study here. The Foresterhill Health Campus (the name of Aberdeen Medical School) here is the biggest health campus in Europe and it is being separated from the main campus (King’s Campus). Aberdeen has a very small quota for international students (around 13 every year) and that is why it’s not very glamour in Malaysia. Im the only Malaysian in my batch and most of the other international students here have been here for almost 4-7 years – making them more ‘English’ compared to me- which i sometimes find it so hard to mingle with them, not because of the language barrier, but it is more like the cultural barrier I have to overcome. However, i have no choice rather than trying to be a part of them. The approach used to teach here is traditional, lectures plus some group discussions and so on. The Malaysian Community here is very small, roughly around 50 people only.

I admit that I feel a little bit lonely here, and I really miss my moments in MCKK and KYUEM, all my friends and so on. It’s not because that i dont really have friends here, but what matters is that I dont have friends whom I can have the rossy moments on the bed (ok. This one sounds a bit fishy..hahaha). I miss the time when I sat on the bed with Naim and Safrizal, talking many things and chatting about almost everything. I missed the moment that I had a pillow talk with Naim. Only when distance keeps all of us apart, that I begin to miss and appreciate all my friends especially those two people.

Naim will come down (or rather up =P ) to Aberdeen during winter and I hope that we will spend more time together. I hope all of you dont get this wrong. I have been sharing every single thing with Naim, and he has been beside me through thick and thin of my life. At one point, I begin to feel him as my person. Along the way, we have many arguments and some time, i dont really understand with what he did. There is always a period of time when he ignores me, not replying to my sms and so on. But i guess, with everything we went through together, I have learnt to forgive people even when it is a hurt to myself. And I guess I have to give some space to Naim, as that is what friends are for. We always know the time when we have to let each other go, and when we have to understand each other. What both of us should keep in mind is that we have each other to rely on =). Naim is in London now, and I really understand how badly he wanted me to be there, having fun with him because that is what we have been promising to each other. But, our journey took a different path, and I hope Naim understands that. What i want him to know that if I could turn the clock back, I would change that ‘thing’. What both of us need to do is that we have to move fun, trying to start something new. Even so, we know we have each other =)

Safrizal on the other hand, is a different story that I should keep to myself. We have many arguments down the line, but in the end we still know we have each other to listen and be there. I have been treating him in a different way, he is more like a brother rather than a friend (while Naim is my person). Our journey took a different path, more fights than anything, more bitter than sweet. After life in KYUEM ends, I begin to realise that our relationship has been greatly improved, and Im glad to know that. After all, he has also been there during the lowest point of my life and I appreciate that. I shall be waiting for you to join us next year, also trying to start something new, forgetting whatever has happened in the past. After all, you have a special place in my heart, and I hope you know that, just like how Naim has been ‘glued’ to my heart =). AND THAT IS WHY I CANT SAY NO TO BOTH OF YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME =)

One of our camwhoring moments . Smile and continue to be happy like this if both of you happen to read this blog =D

During the 'juicy' pangkor trip

And i do hope that 3 of us can stay together, even sometimes I think that Naim and Safrizal have some untold and funny conflicts among each other (hahaha), which I can hardly understand.

But I hope both of them can forgive each other the way i have been forgiving each and every one of them even when I find it so hard to do =)

Thank you to Tikah (more like my virtual friend haha), Azri, Vicky, Shikin, Permata, Fendy and so on. Most importantly I have to thank Bank Negara and my family for always understanding me and giving me another chance. I shall keep my promise to you

Dear readers,

I finally realise that I have been living in self-pity for quite some time, hoping that people will understand me and be symphatised with me, while me on the other hand, never do the same to others. I have learnt a great lesson, that my self-pity-ness will bring me to no where. I promise that I will try my best to be myself back.

p/s: this post lacks emotional touch a bit (not like the previous post) since Im quite busy for my coming exams. I will try to update and improve my writing after this. What has happened to me for the past 9 months has been a great teacher, and i hope my readers will learn something. Till we meet again =)

Post Raya @ Soon to 'fly' syndrome

2011-09-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

the photo looks a bit awkward this time. the arrangement doesnt look good. and I guess there is a missing part in everyone, the usual smile that we used to have =)

Raya has been amazing for me. Nevertheless, I feel there is still a missing part in me, and I couldnt control it when I was at Lily's grave. It may sound crazy or awkward when somebody went to visit a grave at 12 in the morning - and that crazy person can only be me, visiting Lily's grave on raya's night. It may look 'pathetic' when people were having fun, huha here and there talking to each other during raya while I sat at the garden alone, counting how many flowers are there. However, I would say Ive been enjoying my Raya sooo much that Im going to miss everything here.

Got an open house and please dont be shocked because my open house was attended by nearly 1000 people. I live in Felda and my father is the manager of that Felda. Thus, its common when you see my open house is like wedding, with seekor lembu dikorbankan.

Im busy preparing myself for this Saturday, because Im flying off to Aberdeen this saturday (17 Sept) at 10 am. i shall come out with another post saying thank you to people, and at the same time, I need to write about something that I finally realise =)

the test is too much for me

2011-08-27T06:43:00.001-07:00

The test is too much this time. It happened one after another, all in the same year and all in less than 7 months. I thought after Lily passed away, getting bad results for trial, family problems and friends, the test was over. But God kept on testing me. Yes, my A-Levels result was disappointing. Very, very disappointing. I didn’t meet the requirement for my firm university choice, Queen Mary London. I know that I have lost my focus during A-Levels, but I never expected it to be this bad. Thinking too much about Lily maybe the reason, but I never blame her.

2 weeks after A-Levels, I took a moment of silence. At the same time, I told a few of my closest friends, hoping that they would understand me and how badly I wanted to go abroad to be a successful doctor - but yeah only some understood me. Going abroad is not just a normal dream that everyone has about having fun. Nor about having the chance to travel in Europe. For me, this is more than that. Going somewhere else means that I will have a second chance to start a new and fresh start, forgetting every single thing happening to me after having two harsh years especially during my final 8 months in KYUEM. I first started to blame God for testing me this way. Especially the shame that I had to face. The usual thing I will always hear - Ngko kijang kowt. Best student SPM. Sure ngko lepas. But, things didn’t turn out the way they should be and I seriously blame God for this, for taking back everything after He granted so many things to me. I kept on asking, why do you give this in the first place. Out of so many people, why me?

With such like these grades, no medical school in the UK, Ireland or in fact Australia would have taken me. I’ve put so much efforts and hard work in it. I know I didn’t do my best during A Levels, but I also know that I will get the grades I wanted, despite all the complaints I made about A-Levels. For 2 weeks, I’ve lost my confidence in Him. Like most people, I also never fail. I never find studying something hard to do. In fact I really enjoy it. I never fail to get what I want.

I tried to convince everyone that everything shall be ok, but deep inside of myself, I really, really doubt things are going to be alright. I tried to put a fake smile on my face in front of everyone, but when I was alone, Ii cried. Safrizal called me that night, telling me everything shall be ok. I cried on phone for 2 hours and my heart didn’t want to listen to anything despite all the comfort words he gave to me. I cried not just because of my grades, because I have disappointed my parents. And this is the first time they became so worried. I owed them a lot. For the sacrifices money and time they spent on me. I always told myself I wanted to keep a distance between me and my family. Not because I hate them. It’s because I love them so much that Ii know I’m making the right decision. Staying far from my family means I will never have to argue with them. No fight with them - which something i couldn’t afford to do so because I love them.

Most importantly, i have disappointed Lily. I’m doing this for her and will always be for her. The decision to change my course was a temporary one, but since I was 6, I really wanted to treat people like Lily - and I have an essay I wrote when I was 8 about me wanting to be a doctor. However, God really has a better plan. Even for 2 weeks, I started to forget Him, not praying, God never forget me. He still loves me. A wake up call came when I read Erna's post in her blog - Allah never test you if He knows you can't handle it (thank you so much Erna). I became realise about it when Safrizal gave me words of comfort, telling me everything shall be fine. Because He love you so much that’s why He is testing you. During 2 weeks, I was hoping that my best friends would have wanted to help me arranging everything (despite me telling them that I have to do this on my own). I have lost the confidence at all. However, Safrizal and Azri came to give me some options. Appeal, changing my courses and so on. Azri convinced me, my grades are good enough to later on apply for the graduate entry.

Shikin sent some sms-es, telling me to stay calm and always believe that someone is willing to give a shoulder to cry on the other side. Vicky was in the same shoes with me, and he kept calling me for updates (I shall be writing a list of people I want to thank in the next post). The shame and the feeling of not being able to go overseas has become a reality. The confidence was nearly zero. I later read my previous posts about Lily and how badly i wanted it. I visited her grave. And later, my life started to change when I read ayat seribu dinar-something I miss for 20 years. I collected the pieces left and gathered all my strength to keep on trying and praying. I wrote a few appeal letters, with all the supporting documents, recommendation letters from the bank and the college. I took a few other entrance exams on my own, going to and fro KL/Alor Setar - despite not getting enough supports from my family as they were totally dissapointed. For 2 weeks, it has been physically demanding and mentally tiring. Not to mention the emotions I tried to control.

Alhamdulillah, everything happened for a reason. I managed to get my Queen Mary offer back, together with offers from RCSI, UCL and Aberdeen. For somebody who got that kind of grades to secure such like that 4 amazing offers from top notch med schools, was a gift to myself. I thanked God, for loving me and for listening to all my prayers. I later decided to go to Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland. I guess for this time I wanted to listen to my parents because they were quite reluctant to let me be in the UK. But Bank Negara didn’t allow that as they wanted me to go into top 10 universities, so choices have been limited to London and Scotland. And my heart is no longer in London for some personal reasons and because I wanted to run away from a few people. And I guess I also wanted to change. I have too much fun in my life until I forgot who is up there. I love partying and socialising. Tone down myself a bit is a good thing. I shall stick to that, up until Ii believe I haven’t lost myself yet.

So i decide to go to Aberdeen. Moreover Aberdeen is ranked num 3, highest among those med schools. Running away from people I know maybe a good start to be myself back. I thank God for giving this second chance and I shall not turn back. I shall not repeat the same mistake, thinking too much about lily and other people. This is my promise to Lily. Lily shall stick in my heart. I shall move on but I will never let Lily go. Like I always told Vicky, kalau asyik naik, bila lagi nak jatuh. This shall be a lesson to me and I’ve learnt it through a very harsh way. God, thank you. I know Im not a religious type person, but my faith in you shall grow stronger and thank you again.

** I know I’m not that alim. I know I sometimes miss to pray 5 times a day. I know I love socialising and partying with people. I know I can get along with anyone without limit. I know I can go to a pub, huha here and there, and still got what I wanted. But I would encourage all of you to have at least a minute and try to understand this verse of Quran

Then when they are about to fulfil their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take for witness two just persons from among you (Muslims). And establish the witness for Allah. That will be an admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things

Whether you are a Muslim or not, always have you trust in your God and your God will never forget you. Trust me J (this is not a religious post, this is about my personal experience)

My call has come for me to change for better and thank you God for giving me at least a deem light to shine again. But that doesn’t mean i will forget my friends because i will change myself for better, the true ZULIKHWAN

Dear Lily, Abang hopes you can smile after listening this from wherever. Abang is a step closer to realise our dream. Do u still remember when Abang was 7 and you were so small and Abang always pretended to be the doctor while you were the patient??? How we would use mom's talc powder as the medicine? How Abang used a pencil as a thermometer, checking your body’s temperature and later we would take a teddy bear, wrapped it with a cloth, putting a balloon in it as if the bear was pregnant? Abang missed that. Abang will surely be the first to treat your friends- whom Abang hopes are still alive by the time Abang graduates in 2016. Owh yeah, Abang missed the moment Abang brought you to the hospital in a wheelchair that we would race with mom to see who shall be at the lift first ;).

Mom seems so sad.Everyone is leaving her one by one. You left her early of this year, Kakak a month ago as her first posting is Hospital Besar Pulau Pinang and now Abang is going to leave her too... Abang really miss you, especially the part when u always korek hidung abang ;)

Owh Abang almost forgets one last thing Abang wanted to tell u.. Abang went to buy a burger a few days ago after 7 months Abang has never been there. Lily, do you still remember the burger boy whom u always called as Pooh (the only sound you knew how to make J) because he was big, bald and he loves wearing red shirt?? He still remembers you because he asked abang, mana adik pereempuan yg awak selalu bawak naik kerusi roda tue? Abang could only look at him and give a fake smile

Lily, Cik Mah passed away 2 days ago due to kidney damage, just like you (end stage of renal failure). You have always liked Cik Mah, because you and her shared the common thing, make-up. Whenever Cik Mah came to our house, you would go to her bringing one eye shadow and she would put that on your face. Al-Fatihah for her

Tok’s health is getting worse and Abang is afraid of that. Since you left her, Tok seems alone and she is not as happy as before this

ABANG REALLY WISHES YOU TO BE HERE. NOT TO SHARE THE HAPPINESS THAT ABANG IS GOING TO GO TO THE UK AND A STEP CLOSER TO BE A DOCTOR, BUT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING TO BE BACK TO NORMALJ

the unspoken truth

2011-08-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Here is the thing. I really dont know what to do with my life. Half of myself really wants to continue to be a doctor, but half of myself really wants to be an economist, after seeing how things in Bank Negara work. Not only that, the feeling of getting rich by the age of 30 is so overwhelming. I guess I just need to wait and see what will happen on August 11, when my A-Levels result is released.

perhaps i should be grateful for a while :-)

2011-07-18T11:19:00.001-07:00

At the age of 20, I should be grateful and thankful for having an asset for my future investment.

Im so proud of my dad. My dad is working with FELDA and it’s common for someone like him to have lots of lands and become a major shareholder in FELDA. My dad realizes that the property he has been collecting so far will not last longer. Thus, he decided to give them to 3 of us, my sister, Amin and me. My dad realizes this, having lots of assets and properties may become an enemy for three of us, perhaps we will fight in the future for this. Thus, before he dies, he wants to give all of the properties to three of us.

My sister got a few lands and shares, so do I. Amin got the house and all the 4 cars he has (but only when he reaches 18, then the hakmilik will be his)

At the age of 20, I should be grateful ,for at least, I have a better future. In case of emergency, the property I have worth of 120 000 can be used. That’s my future investment.

Thank you Dad. I really appreciate it J

Random Thoughts :-)

2011-07-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

It’s normal in a typical Malay family that the children will be raised in such a way that they have to be blamed even for the mistakes that they never do, they are told not to argue with the elders otherwise, they are considered as kurang sopan. It is common in this family that the children’s opinions will be less respected and will be considered as immature. When will we change? I don’t know
last few days was the BERSIH demonstration. Im not a politic maniac. Im just a normal citizen but Im totally against the idea of having demonstrations with lots of people. The BERSIH proposal sounds good, it is just that the method of delivering it doesn’t convince me
I went to BTN last 2 weeks. As usual, I was so skeptical with BTN. Brain wash. That’s the first thing came across my mind. But to tell you the truth, there’s nothing about supporting the current federal government in my camp in Nilai (not so sure about other camps). It was basically about the country, the history and so on and I really enjoyed it
Im currently living my life to the fullest. Some says long holidays might turn out so boring, but I enjoy and cherish every moment I have before I cant do the same after this
7 months, things don’t change that much in my house. Haih~~~
my trip to Hatyai has been cancelled because Dad says he cannot let us go-still thinking of Lily and how much she wanted to go there last year, but dad never had the chance to bring her
Already watched Harry Potter and I wished I was Harry Potter- got everything (the talents and people who really love him)
Was at Manila for a short trip with my sister
Was at KL with my friends from KYUEM and MCKK
was at Penang, enjoying myself with my cousins
went to the Bakery and Pastry Class once, but I didn’t have any interest, so ive decided to learn cooking on my own.
I always go out with my grandma, hoping to spend more time with her
applied to St Andrews (again) but got rejected.
Have done my one and only mission for this holiday, botak-ing myself and Im so proud of it (a new change J )

Apple is Lily's reflection - That's why I love Apple :-)

2011-06-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

Many people ask me why I was/am so nice to Apple. Yes I admit, i spend most of my time and attention on Apple, because Apple is Lily’s reflection/shadow. Apple always smiles, just like Lily, even when both of them really have so many problems in life (Apple has many problems that others don’t know – and Apple only shared with me while Lily had serious health problems, bearing the pain she was suffering). Both of them have tahi lalat at the back of their necks, exactly at the same spot (a little bit on their right side). Apple has quite a smelly mouth, just like Lily. Both of them have pretty large nose and ears. Apple is quite good looking, while Lily is/was totally cute. Both of them have pretty bright and flawless skin. Apple is very easy going, very easy to make friends, just like Lily. Apple has short hair because Apple is quite lazy to comb hair, just like Lily. Apple and Lily both have something in their eyes, something that I feel much calmer whenever I look into their eyes. Enough to make me feel better. Apple has pretty long fingers, just like Lily. Both of them have quite smelly hair. That’s why, whatever I did to Lily (hugging, shampoo-ing, cutting nails, playing with hair), i always did that to Apple even though sometimes, Apple didn’t feel comfortable with it. The only thing that is different is that, Apple can walk and talk while Lily can’t do both.

Everyday, I miss Lily and the only way to avoid me from thinking too much of Lily and starting to lose myself is by looking at Apple. Everytime I look at Apple, I always imagine myself looking at Lily. Everytime i tell Apple anything on the basis that Apple will be a good listener (like Lily), I always imagine Lily. That’s why I was/am so nice to Apple. Looking at Apple’s face is enough to fulfill my day.

(Perhaps because Apple shared many things with me made me even more close and nice to Apple)

Apple never treated me badly, nor more than just a friend. For Apple, I’m just a normal friend that Apple can find anywhere, without leaving any good memories at all. I was expecting too much and was hoping that I could be very close to Apple, but I know the feeling wasn’t mutual at all for Apple. But, i don’t mind if that’s the price I have to pay to look at Apple’s/Lily’s face, to be close to Apple. I never keep anything Apple did to me in my heart, nor planning to make Apple’s life miserable, because if I did/do anything to Apple, it’s the same thing I did to Lily, and I can’t afford to do that. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose Apple, because I have lost Lily. I’m done wasting my attention and time on Apple because I believe I’m worth of something better than this (Apple never appreciate it). At the same time, I miss Apple and forgive everything Apple did to me, just like how I miss and remember Lily.

I’m still hoping that our relationship will be better after this, but I won’t be the one fixing our relationship, let it be Apple who starts it first. I totally miss Apple so much and I hope Apple feels the same thing. I love Apple the way I love Lily, and I hope Apple loves me the same way. I never told Apple about this, as I don’t want Apple to think that I’m expecting too much. This will only put our relationship in risk as Apple will be afraid that Apple will never reach the expectation I have put. I have to move on even though it’s hard as I’m thinking too much of Lily. Some said I take this too personally and yeah, I admit it because you just don’t know how much I miss and love Lily, the way I love and miss Apple,

In fact during my final week in KYUEM, I was hoping to spend more time with Apple because that should be the last time I see Lily/Apple. But, things didn’t turn out very well and I regret. I regret it.

This is the last time I talk about Apple and I’m still hoping Apple will fix this relationship (if Apple cares to do so). But yeah, i dont think that will happen. I still have a bright future ahead and I should look forward to it, without thinking too much of anything else that comes along the way :-). My good memories with Apple and Lily shall be kept and both of them really have a special place in my heart.

**Today, i cleaned up Lily’s room. Even after 6 months, nothing seems to change that much. Every night, I still have a dream of Lily. Im done crying but Im not done thinking of her. Im sorry if you think Im too much. But yeah, I admit it because Lily was/is my person.

..the end..

2011-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

It has been 1 week since I graduated from KYUEM. Finally, my life in KYUEM is over. Yes I admit, entering KYUEM may not be the best experience I have ever had in my life, but surely I miss my friends there, especially Naim and Puan Halijah. Perhaps, 2 years in KYUEM are the toughest year in my life so far. I guess it’s because I’m still being shadowed by my good memories back then in MCKK. In KYUEM, for the first time in my life, I had problems with studies as I lost my focus a lot, Lily passed away during this time, and I lost myself a little bit. I started neglecting my good friends from MCKK. I don’t put the blame on KYUEM because for me, KYUEM is the best place to meet people. I put the blame on me for not being myself and for losing myself.

Thank you KYUEM. I will surely miss KYUEM

*******************************************************************

Dear Apple,

I’m sorry for expecting too much from you. I thought you could be a good listener to me since Lily passed away. I thought you could provide me the support when I felt so lonely. But, I was wrong. I was so nice to you, but you still didn’t treat me very well. For you, I’m just a normal friend, passing by in your life. I hope one day, you will realize that you cannot treat people like that. I’m done wasting my time and attention on you until I started not to appreciate people around me. And finally, I realized that you are not worth any of my kindness and attention anymore. Bye. See you soon because I have to start forgetting you and erasing you from my life.

Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Form

2011-05-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

For some, DNR is just another medical term, a condition in which when the heart fails, the doctors will never make any attempt to start the heart back.

For me, DNR is more than that. My mom signed the form when Lily was in ICU. My mom wanted Lily to go in peace. My mom knew that when the time came, she wanted to be beside Lily, seeing Lily for the last time. My mom knew that the doctors would do nothing to make Lily breath again once she signed the form.

I just knew it a few weeks ago. I just hoped i could be beside my mom and gave a shoulder to cry when the heart beat machine didnt show any signal at all.

This is not about giving up in medicine, nor losing faith in the power of medicine, this is about seeing the one you love the most leave you with pride and dignity.

Mom, please stop crying. I know I’m not Lily to be there and cheer you up, but I know how much you love her. And you are doing the right thing :-)

when my heart starts to cry.......

2011-05-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

The fear is getting stronger. So many regrets. I wish i can turn the clock back and be myself. the true ZULIKHWAN who has nothing to stop him from achieving what he wants. My chemistry papers were totally horrible. I know I shouldnt say this but getting 3As seems so hard now

I have many friends, but i wish i can have someone to tell about everything. I wish I can have Lily now. Im totally depressed and sorry, im not in the mood for any ‘friendly’ chatting at all

I want to cry but i cant because I have cried too much. Please, I want to get everything done as soon as possible

**this is so hard :-(. A levels is fair. It’s just me not being fair to myself

In the midst of A levels

2011-05-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Im in the midst of A levels right now. I just hope i can get everything done as quickly as possible. During this stressful time, I just want to keep myself emotionally stable without thinking too much of anything else. But, of course, I can easily get annoyed with people. I know it’s not their problem, because it all starts from me. Please, let time fly as fast as possible. And A-levels, please be nice to me. My papers so far were quite good but next week is going to be a very hard time for me. I will be having 5 papers next week.

Owh, i wish I can have Lily at this moment to tell her everything about my problems. :-(

** Thanks Safrizal for helping me with Maths so far. It has been very nice studying with you

the final lap

2011-05-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

Next week is my final exam for A Levels. This will determine whether my efforts for 20 years are worth or not. This will determine whether my dream to be a doctor will be a reality or not. This will be the moment in which i will disappoint Lilly or not. Mama and abah too

With so many things happening to me, I really wish I can get at least 3As to go to Queen Mary, London. There, I hope I can start everything again. The turning point of my life.

These 14 papers will determine my future. I just feel I have not done enough even though I have been studying up until 2 am every day. My Lord, please help me...

I also hope i can be with my friends there. Zamri and Naim, thank you for studying together with me. I hope i can join both of you in London

today

2011-04-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

i went back to my house in Kedah not only to ask my parents' blessings for the coming exam, but also to plant a few flowering trees at lily's grave. Lily loved kemboja, so my dad asked me to plant 2 kemboja trees at her grave. And Lily also loved pink, so my sister and I went to almost all plant nurseries and we finally bought 2 trees that produce white flowers with red at the edge of each petal. very unique

after this, i will work very hard for my A levels.. i really wish to get all the grades because once i get to the uk, i will start being myself back.. i promise

April 24th, 2011

2011-04-24T22:36:00.001-07:00

Yes Lily. Abang knows it’s your birthday today. Your birthday is on the same day as Ashee’s birthday. That’s why, abang went out during the weekend, spending 2 days at Pak Teh’s house. Otherwise, abang has to attend ashee’s birthday party at Mid Valley. Abang can’t even though she’s my friend. Otherwise, abang’s tears will start to burst again, thinking of you..

Today, mama wanted to celebrate your birthday, which is also the same day as Tok’s birthday. Mama made a kenduri arwah at your school. She also brought a few cakes to your second home, the pediatrics clinic. The whole family also celebrated Tok’s birthday. Kakak told abang that Tok cried because usually it has always been you and her, cutting the cake together. You are now 15 and abang hopes you will continue to be happy. Smile, from wherever you are

· Thank you Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir for visiting me

· Thank you Naim, Zamri and Asri for being with me during the weekend. We really had a great time together

the SHIT feeling :-(

2011-04-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, whenever you start feeling like shit, like someone is shitting on your face, or you start losing pieces of yourself, the only way to stand back and fight is by remembering Him. He is always there whenever you feel like losing everyone….

My Lord, please help me to go through this. I’m not that strong, and at the same time I hope all my hard work for the past 20 years will bring me to the dream that I want to be. I’m doing this for Lily and myself. I just need 3 A’s to get there. Pls

** Haqqa, Fendy and Shahir are going to visit me here in KY today. Sometimes I feel very guilty for not spending time with them. At the end, they still come and visit me. God, please forgive me

of being thankful and SPM :-)

2011-03-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah. Thats the only word that can fully describe my life so far. Good things happened even when they took so long to take place. Currently receiving 3 offers from St. Andrews, Queen Mary and Aberdeen. Of course my dream place will be Queen Mary as I plan to be in London because of so many things (bear in mind that this is not just about the excitement of London only :-) ). But, at the end, my sponsor will make the decision for me and I have a very strong feeling that they want me to go to Aberdeen due to the great reputation of Aberdeen medical school (as it is ranked 3^rd behind Oxford and Cambridge). It doesnt matter when Im going to study, as long as Ill become a doctor, that is more than enough for me.

Life is pretty good for me. My sister got married and I guess that was the best wedding ever because I only have 1 sister after I have lost one. The good thing is that my sister finally met her perfect husband, as this person loved my sister since they were in school. For 6 years, he loved my sister from a distance and only 4 years ago he came and met my parents. Her husband is nice and i must admit it. He never touched my sister’s hand and there must always be a third person when they went out. And i still remembered the first gift that he gave to my sister was Al-Quran. Their relationship is based on Islam and I hope they will continue to be happy. My sister is currently waiting for her first posting and she is hoping to be in Alor Setar Hospital

Talking about myself, i guess Im fine right now. Im enjoying myself with people around me, friends and family. Things at home get better now and for the first time, my family is back to nearly normal (im just giving them more time). But, the only thing Im afraid right now is A-Levels. As I told in the previous post, I dont really have the determination and focus like I had for SPM but im trying my best. I just hope everything will be fine.

The SPM result was released and surprisingly, my school , MCKK improved drastically that they got 52 people getting straight As and they became the first in Perak. Kudos to Batch 0610 and of course Shahir, the closest friend I have from that batch. Im hoping that he will choose whatever is good for him as he plans to be an economist. You go Shahir :-)

I still remember at this time a few years back then when I received the SPM result. My parents were not that worried as I always showed consistency in my examinations (not like A-Levels :-( ). But of course, the fear was still there. When I received the result, i was very happy. Getting all A1s in all subjects including GCE0 1119 was something for me and my family. I received so many smses and from that moment i knew my dream to be a doctor will be a reality. And when I received the Bank Negara scholarship, i knew that Im just a step closer to my dream. Thats why I hope I wont blow my chance. I want to be a doctor and the dream is getting stronger. A-Level is not like SPM, not the hardness of the syllabus, but because I am not that prepared for it. So many things happened and I just hope I can go abroad and be a successful doctor which will reflect myself as a person.

Enough with writing and I hope you can pray for me. Pls... Thank you :-)

(i finally realise that this is my first post that I dont talk much about Lily. Im so proud of it that I finally move on)

2011-03-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

this post was meant to be 2 weeks ago.. sorry

It has been a while since the last time I updated this blog. I will continue writing, it is just that Im currently busy with my university applications. I got rejected by Newcasle and Edinburgh :-( without interview, got an offer from St. Andrews without interview, interviews from Aberdeen and Queen Mary and will be going for interviews for National University of Ireland and RCSI. Will be applying to New South Wales Australia and James Cook.

I just dont know, the path that I plan is not clear anymore. With the fear of not being able to go overseas this year, i began to be conquered by it. Done with IELTS and I got Band 8. But, what keeps me pushing myself is the amanah from Lily. I want to be a doctor for a clear reason, it is just that the path seems to be unclear now. I plan so many things, but they dont turn out the way they should be. My closest friend in KYUEM told me that Im not the old Zulikhwan that he knows, the successful, happy go lucky, brilliant and confident bitch. I told him that I dont know what to say. I just go with the flow. What i know is that I really need this, the opportunity to go abroad so that I can start all over again.

This is not just about the death of my sister, nor my parents who keep blaming me for the loss of Lily (which I dont want to get into that), but this is also about being myself back, and the only way is to start everything all over again....

Shikin: moving on and let someone go are two different things. You may have moved on, but you just cannot let her go.

I know that Shikin. Sometimes, i just admire your courage, determination and strength to continue this even though you have lost 2 most important people in your life :-)

*** A-Level is killing me slowly. It is not that hard, it is just that I dont have the focus and determination like I have for SPM :-). Hope everything will be fine. Insya allah

life so far

2011-02-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

.angry.sad.confused. disappointed.

*blank*

it's a blend of so many emotions and feelings but I swear I'm not that derhaka. Im still the old ZULIKHWAN

Rindu :-(

2011-02-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hehehe.. the feeling has come back again, Lily. It's getting stronger during Abang's birthday. Abang woke up just to realise that this year is different because Abang will no longer receive the first gift, you hug that you always give during Abang's birthday. hehehe. Abang missed you staring at abang, waiting for abang to wake up on Abang's special day and hug.

Lily, Abang swears that Abang has moved on. It's just that the feeling of missing you comes once in a while :-)

Lily, abang has put the flowers on your grave for the second time. Abang promises abang will try to put them everytime Abang goes back home

Rindu :-(. Abang also thinks that Abang has become crazy. hehehe. Abang is afraid that it may jeopardise Abang's study.....

...and i choose the second one :-)

2011-01-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

Im back in Kedah for the Chinese New Year break. But, i finally realise that the excitement of going back is no longer there. Perhaps because theres no one there to hug me or maybe because Ive grown up that I finally do not feel homesick.

I had a friendly chat with my eldest sister. She said that I looked different and I replied it by saying that I still feel the loss of Lily. She then told me that people may come and go, but what stays with me is the good memories that I have. I can continue being like this, regretting for not spending enough time with Lily and start blaming the faith, or I can use it as a motivation to have a better future and spend the quality time left with people around me.

And finally, I said that I choose the second one. I need to move on and Im ready for it. Good Bye Lily. Abang has moved on but you will always be remembered :-)

Muah!

KY Manifesto Nights: if and only if

2011-01-20T01:07:00.000-08:00

There were manifesto nights for the candidates who want to fight for the posts in the Students’ Council. One of the vice pres candidates, Neelam came with the idea of having people who have been trained with first aid treatment. One guy stood up and said that it is against the law and of course parents won’t let the lives of their children in the hands of the future medic students.

I find this is something stupid to ask, as the idea of having first aid is to be the first treatment that one will have if he’s in emergency. And seeing the health standard in Ky, it is a good thing to have this system (as explained by Neelam) in the first place.

But of course, I was touched by that idea. A month before my sister passed away, she was put under ICU. At first, she had a seizure before she was unconscious. But, the doctor said things would have been better if I knew how to do the first aid treatment during that time. She still might be here if I knew that I should never stop the seizure and try to put her in a sideway position. If i know i should never let it happen for 5 minutes, I might still see her smile now. And this can only happen if I knew i should learn the first aid treatment for her.

That is the thing that i regret until today because as a future medical student, i should know it better. I still put the blame on me.

That’s why, I really support that idea

Moving on...

2011-01-12T06:03:00.000-08:00

Lily, Abang finally realises that moving on is the hardest thing Abang has ever done. Even in the college, every time Abang looks around, abang will see many things that will make Abang remember you, the handpone that you were posing with, the camera that Abang took your picture, the pens that you used to write.

Lily, Abang still lives under your shadow. Its hard lily, even though Abang has many people around abang. The great friends that always give moral support to abang, and the great friends that always be beside abang.

Lily, abang thinks its unfair for abang to be like this with all of my friends, knowing that they have done their best to cheer me up. But, abang can’t. just give abang more time and space

Love,

Abang

:-)

2011-01-09T08:26:00.001-08:00

Lily, do you still remember this song? This was the song that we sang together in abang’s room. Even though abang’s voice wasn’t that good, you still did not say anything.

Today, abang visited your grave. Abang finally realised that abang has to move on. It’s very hard Lily, knowing the fact that abang has spent 14 years with you. Abang will start my college tomorrow and abang will always remember you. Abang hopes that abang can move on. Insya allah.

Lily, Im so sorry because Abang did not have the chance to bring you to the cinema to watch movies for the last time. But trust me Lily, Abang hasnt watched Ngangkung and Hantu Kak Limah too because Abang has promised to bring you to watch these two movies. But, adik bought Ngangkung just now and abang watched it. Lily, you dont have to be dissapointed because the movie wasnt that good as we always imagined. Lily, you dont have to be worried. Abang wont forget you even though Abang will be going out watching movies with other people because watching movies with you is not the same. trust me :-)

** Lily, abang has put the flowers that you love to smell on your grave. Abang hopes you can smell them from wherever you are :-). And abang promise to you Lily, abang will try to smile and be 'Abang' Back. Insya allah :-)

30 dec 2010 @ 9.30 am

2011-01-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Miza Liyana@Lily: 1996 - 2010

Lily, it has been a week since you left us. The house seems a little bit gloomy. Everyone is sad. It has been a month too Abang did not hear any laugh at all. It’s very hard to see everyone smile. Lily, do you still remember that we have 3 types of laughing? Gelak kaya, gelak miskin, and gelak kedekut? Abang haven’t listened any of those for such a very long time. Everyone is missing you, especially mama, abah and tok. Mama looked very calm the day you died. She didn’t talk that much. 2 days after you left us, abang saw mama crying alone in the room. Abang understands that. Mama has spent half of her life with you. You have been a part of her life. Mama cried, whenever she washed and ironed the clothes because mama always imagined you were there.

Tok has not been smiling for a very long time. Today, we made flowers for kakak’s wedding. Tok told abang that she wished Lily was there. If you were here, you would have been there until we have done making those flowers. Tok cried in her house. Lily, tok is very closed with you. Tok has been taking good care of you since you were young. Abang understands that. But at the same time too, abang wished that abang could do something to cheer her up. But abang didn’t know what to do. If you were here, you would know how to cheer her up even though you couldn’t walk or talk. Tok really missed your smile.

On the third night you left us, abang saw abah at the back. Abah never showed to us that he really loved us because abah is being abah. He always hides his emotions. Lily, abang accidentally saw abah cried at the back. When abang was there, abah immediately wiped his tears. Lily, until now abah regretted that he didn’t have the chance to bring you to Surabaya as he promised to you before. Abah has changed a lot lily. He didn’t talk that much. He always keeps quiet. Abah looked very sad. Even the whole family has changed. We didn’t talk that much anymore. A few nights ago, abah sent this to abang:

Salam. Setiap hari abah berdoa untuk anak-anak dan family. Masa hidup anak-anak abah bagaikan emas permata. Setiap detik amat perlu untuk berjaya. Ini pesan abah.

Abang cried after reading his sms. Abah never sent anything like this to abang. Abah really missed you. He wished that he would have spent more time with you. He wished that he would never be afraid to bring you anywhere. Abah and mama went out together that night because they couldn’t sleep. They really missed you

Kakak felt the most about losing you because she wished that she didn’t scold you the day when it was her turn to take care of you in the hospital. Lily, did you remember that kakak scolded you when you asked her to hug you? Kakak is a very tough person. She didn’t like hugging people or showing her emotions to people. But, the day you died, she cried. She wished that she didn’t scold you. She wished that she could change that.

Lily, adik also cried. But, he is too young to understand this. He cried but he didn’t know why. Abang told him that Lily left us forever. Abang told her that you will sleep there until we meet you very soon. He understood. But, it’s very easy for him to forget you because he’s too young.

Lily, you have touched so many people’s lives. The day you died, many people visited you in the hospital. They asked your mom to bath you at the hospital before you were being buried. Not only the nurses, but the doctors and also the patients. Lily, they said that it was very easy to bath you. abang know that because you have been kind and good to everyone. You have no revenge and sin at all. Mom told abang, when you were dying, more than 20 doctors came to try their best to rescue you. They were there until you are no longer with us. The doctors have done their best. They felt the loss of you. Why? Abang hoped lily still remembered that all the nurses and doctors there called you Ziana Zain because you loved to sing (even though during the injections and blood tranfusions). They missed hearing your loud voice. You cheered people up. Many of mom’s friends cried. They cried because they would not see you on the chair near mama’s table every time mama brought you to the office. They wouldn’t see you sitting on the chair anymore, playing with the computer as if you were busy typing something. Abah’s friends also felt the same thing. They missed calling you ‘Dek Na’. They missed you calling them to enter the house even though they didn’t understand any single thing. That’s why, the day you left us, they used their own pocket money to do a ‘kenduri’ for you. They thought that they have to do something. Lily, you have influenced many of people’s lives. Everyone is missing you. Last day, you teachers visited us. They missed you singing rama-rama with them. They give moral support to us that life must go on. Abang understand that. But the whole family is not the same without you. No one is there cheer everyone up. Abang didnt know what to do. But abang believe that God has decided what’s good for us. Abang pasrah. lily, abang hoped you can read and listen to this from wherever you are. when you died, everyone who looked at you said that you looked very calm as if you were sleeping. Abang told them, you looked very calm because you had a pure and clean heart. You not like everyone else. You are very strong because you have been fighting this for 14 years.

Lily, abang wants to say sorry because even though abang is prepared for this, abang still cannot accept it. Abang still blame myself because abang didn’t spend the final week very well with you. You left us when it was abang’s turn to be there with you in the hospital. Abang supposed to be there that morning, but God has a better plan for you. Abang try to accept that. But abang can’t. Lily, abang was beside you, reciting yaasin until you were buried. Abang was there, managing and helping to bury you because abah couldn't do that on his own. He was not that strong. Abang was about to cry, but Abang didn't because people said that its not good to cry if front of the dead body because the person will not leave us in peace. Abang knew that. Abang pretended to be strong, hiding all my feelings while helping to bury you. It has been a month abang didn’t go out from the house. It has been a month no one played with my nose. It has been a month abang didn’t bring anyone for a walk. Abang didn’t know what to do. From the moment you were in ICU to the moment you left us, abang have been here in the house, waiting for you to come back so that abang can bring you to anywhere you like. It has been a month abang didn’t have anyone to talk with. Lily, you were (are) the closest person abang has ever had in my life. Losing you is like losing my best friend. Losing you is like losing half of myself. You are my soul. You are my love. You have influenced abang’s life more than anyone. What abang has done so far is because of you. We shared the same things in common. Right now, abang didn’t know to whom abang should talk with whenever abang has a problem. Even though you couldn’t talk, your smile was more than enough to solve abang’s problem. Nobody understands that we are more than just brother and sister. We are friends. We are like the heart and the soul. Lily, abang has not been laughing and talking to anyone. When our relatives visited us, they asked why abang kept quiet. But why can’t they understand that abang has lost half of myself. Abang is not the same anymore. Why should abang be happy if abang cannot have fun except with you? Only with Lily abang can be myself. And only with lily abang can sincerely laugh and smile. Abang don’t know what to do now

Lily, abang is not that strong. Abang missed you. Abang missed you posing in front of camera. Abang know that abang has to accept it. Abang will try my best. Lily, abang will start my college very soon. Abang hope that abang can eventually forget about you, even though it’s very hard. The 14 years abang spent with you will be the most memorable ones in my life. Abang missed you. Abang hoped Lily will wait for abang because abang will be there soon, being in the place where you are right now. Bye lily. See you soon. Abang has to move on even though it’s very hard. You are still my love, lily.

Love,

Abang

** Lily left us on 30th Dec 2010 at 9.30 am due to multiple complications from Thalassemia Major that she was suffering since she was small. after 14 years of fighting, she left us for good. Al-Fatihah

p/s: the writer would like to apologise to all his friends for not returning any of your sms or phone call because the writer is not ready yet to talk to anyone. The writer is so sorry but he really appreciates all the calls and smses

my dream

2010-12-19T07:17:00.001-08:00

Lily loves hugging people like that :-)

Last night, I had a dream. I dreamed about Lily. Lily was running towards me and called me ‘Abang’.

The doctors finally allowed us to visit her. I went there once. What I could do was not more than just standing there for a minute when my tears finally started to flow.

Second time, i just visited her for 10 seconds. That was only to send my grandma because she didn’t know where Lily’s room is. Third time was also to send my grandma. I’m sorry. I just cannot be there. I will cry. Because I always imagine her playing with me. So, I cannot see her with wires all over her body. Frankly speaking, she’s more than just a sister to me. She’s my friend. She’s a listener. She’s there whenever i need someone to be with me. At home, i never go out with my friends (this is true) because i usually go out with Lily even to watch movies or go for window shopping. Now, it has been 2 weeks i never go out from my house (except to go to the hospital). Am i a good brother if i don’t be beside my sister even when I can see her? I know i should have been beside her going through all this, but i can’t! i will cry.

I pretend that Lily is ok. I pretend that nothing has even happened. I pretend that Lily is here. I try to be happy by chatting with people, commenting on people’s photos and calling people. But, i finally realise that everything I have done for the past 2 weeks was not more than just trying to run away from the fact that I really miss Lily! everything is useless.

The doctors finally told us that they could not do anything. They wanted to do dialysis on her, but they just cannot see her suffer anymore. They wanted her to be happy. They just hoped that Lily can go through this. They cannot do anything anymore.

Lily, today abang made the cheese cake that you really like. Abang was happy doing it because Abang knew that someone would have craved for it. But when Abang put it on the table, Abang finally realised that Lily wasn’t there. Abang threw that cheese cake because no one ate it. Abang forgot that you are in the hospital, fighting for your life. How could Abang be like this? Sorry Lily, Abang just forgot. Sorry Lily, Abang wasn’t (isn’t) a good brother after all.

When I was young, i always pray to God. I always pray that God will change my place with her (like in the movie when you exchanged your body with someone). I always want to see her to get better. But i know, it was only a dream. Not more than that. I just need to live in the real world. I missed the moment when we watched movies together, i missed the moment when she played with my nose, i missed the moment of hugging her, i missed her kissing my cheek, i missed the moment when she wanted to make a drink for my parents and i would always put her on the chair and taught her how to make drinks, i missed all the moments with her. I don’t have any regret at all for now because I think I have used every moment that we have together, but i still cannot let her go.

A few days ago, i asked the doctors whether is it possible or not to do the kidney transplant on her because I wanted to donate my kidney to her. I could still survive with one kidney. The doctors say with her condition like this, it’s almost impossible to do the transplant. Even the best doctor in the world would not do it on her. I understand that. I know the time is very near. I know Lily will leave me very soon. I know that my strength and my love will be gone very soon. I know that. But I just cannot accept it.

But Lily, God knows what is good for you. If leaving me is the best way for you, I will accept it. Abang pasrah. Abang tak boleh lihat Lily terseksa lagi

Love,

Abang

my angel :-)

2010-12-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

Haha. this year, my family is blessed with lots of rezeki. Mom got a promotion and has been transferred to Jabatan Pelajaran and dad got a few bonuses. My eldest sister finally has done her practical in the hospital. I, on the other hand, managed to get an offer from St Andrews without interview (which is something rare for medics..hehehe) This year, I supposed to have lots of vacations with my family because after this, things won’t be the same for us. Here is the list of my initial plans for this holiday:

1) Trying to get my homework and studying settled in 2 weeks (in progress)

2) Going for a family vacation to Philippines (failed because Lily is in ICU)

3) Going for a cruise with my sister and our cousin because my cousin has got 3 free tickets (failed because Lily is in ICU)

4) Spending time with Lily (in progress)

5) Trying to know and understand my list of medical issues (in progress)

6) Trying to be my sister’s wedding planner (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. The whole family puts this aside first)

7) Helping my sister with her hantaran for the engagement (done)

8) Planning to go to Langkawi or Karambunai with my friends (failed)

9) Trying to bring Lily to the cinema at least 5 times (failed because Lily is in ICU)

10) Spending lots of time with my eldest sister (in progress)

11) Planning to go to Penang and Batu Feringhi with my eldest sister for the Sg Nibong Pesta: only two of us :-) (failed because Lily is in ICU)

12) Helping my mom to be the interior designer for my sister’s new bedroom (not in the mood because Lily is in ICU. My mom will ask her niece to do this for her because my mom is definitely not going to do anything for now)

13) Trying to save up my money for my ‘plan’ with my grandma (in progress)

14) Watching horror movies with Lily (done and finally ended up screaming with her even though she did not understand any single thing :-) )

But the best part of all, I managed to bring her for a shopping *wink* *wink*. And we also managed to do hantaran for our eldest sister

** Ya Allah, I really miss Lily right now. Because before this, if she’s in ICU, I will have the chance to visit her. But, she’s in pediatrics intensive care unit (P ICU) which means, only parents are allowed to visit her. The feeling I’m having right now cannot be expressed in words. It has been a week she’s there, fighting for her life. I miss her smiles, laughs (we have 3 categories of laughing: gelak kaya, gelak miskin, gelak kedekut) and I miss her playing with my nose and ears while I’m sleeping. I miss all her ‘sexy’ dresses and skirts. I miss eating Gani Char koey teow with her. I miss going out at night with her just to buy burgers. I miss bringing her around just to have fresh air. I miss to have a meaningful life back with her and finally i miss seeing her beside me every time after I pray. Whenever she sees someone praying, she will be there just to ask that person praying for her so that she can have a normal life for the first time in her life. Only with Lily, I can be myself, having a meaningful conversation (she’s a good listener even though she cannot talk or walk until now), and only with her, I can have very sincere and honest laughs and smiles (because Lily never have any revenge or dissatisfaction) and only with her beside us, my family will be happy. I never look ‘fake’ in front of her and i feel very empty everytime she’s beside me because all of my problems have gone away. Lily will always smile whenever i speak to her (because that is the only thing she knows how to do) and she will keep on smiling and laughing even when she’s in pain. Every night, I cannot sleep because I will always wake up as I keep on hearing her voice. She is the reason why I always go back to my house every time I have the chance because when the time comes, i do not want to regret not spending ample time with her. Please hold on Lily :-)

Lily and her collection of teddy bears - she has nearly 50 teddy bears. haha. and all of them are still in good conditions

the hantaran that we made together for my sister's engagement - this is what we managed to do before she was admitted to PICU. i think she just holds on for this moment but during the engagement, she didnt look as excited as usual

enjoying the first pancake i made on my own *wink* *wink*

during her 10th birthday at my grandma's house

during the family vacation

Lily just loves pink stuff

doing some weird stuff

this was taken somewhere in Indonesia

this was taken last year (I was wearing the same shirt like the above picture :-p)

Lily just loves posing in front of camera.

on the way to ______ (just forgot..haha... but this was like 2 years ago)

hahaha... some weird pose

this is our 'whateva pose'

with my angel teaching me to do the 'mulut itik'

the 4 stooges :-p (Look at lily. this is her 'Oh My God! It's camera again' pose)

during raya (Lily with her 'do i care about you?' pose)

my first photo using my camera and she's my first model (with her uncut hair that she wanted to keep as she didn't want my grandma to cut it)

hahaha.. my top model posing with my phone :-)

her 12th birthday with my brother...

this is why I cannot see her suffering - she has been fighting for 14 years and this is something easy for her (i hope so) :-) - this photo was taken by my dad even though it was illegal. this is also the reason why you always look me happy because i have to hide my sadness or otherwise, I cannot do anything thinking of her.

this is 'gelak kaya' (opening your mouth very wide and just laugh while showing your sandals to everyone.. hahaha)

look.. she never stop smiling (this is her 'come on. just take my picture' pose)

her smile is my medicine - a very sincere one :-)

this is the reason why we really miss her (she just loves playing around :-) )

lily and her smile :-) posing for my camera (this is her' i know i'm cute. you dont have to say it' pose)

one, two, click!...my sisters posing for my camera

lily, can we take more photos??? Abang will always be here whenever you are ready

....and all i can do is to stay strong :-)

2010-12-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

Haha.. it has been ages since the last time I posted something in this blog

My eldest sister got engaged last Saturday and I guess she’s more than ready to grow up and be an adult. Of course at first i went against the plan because she’s still studying (going to finish her practical at the hospital this december). But she knows what is good for her.

Her fiancé is a good guy and I must admit it. My sister gave him a few conditions if he really wants her and he agreed to all the conditions. And most of the conditions i must admit sound very easy to follow but when the time comes, only people who face them will know how hard they are. I recalled one of the conditions: to take good care of our younger sister and let’s say one day they have to take care of her, will he be okay with that. He says he has no problem with that because my ‘angel’ is like pembawa rezeki to all of us.

Lily is in ICU (again). It happened last Thursday after she was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday. She was in the hospital since Monday for the monthly blood transfusion and we planned to bring her for a vacation on Sunday. But, the plan didnt go as planned because she was admitted to ICU on the next day after she was discharged. She was sleeping in the room when suddenly she vomited. i was there, helping to clean up everything on the bed. I then took her to the toilet and my grandma gave her a shower. Meanwhile, i was downstairs to take her clothes and switched off the air-cond. She suddenly fell while sitting and my grandma thought it was due to the coldness because she was shivering while taking the shower. I then helped her to wear a nappy when she started to tremble differently and i know it wasn’t due to the coldness anymore. It was because of the brain problem that she is having due to the kidney failure. I directly called my dad and my mom, took her bag together with the documents and put her in the car. I then drove to the emergency department and my parents were there after a while.

It has been something normal to see her in ICU because this is the fifth time she’s in ICU. Im very strong to face this (and will always be).

She’s happy right now and even in ICU, she can still laugh with the nurses.

How do you feel when you saw her laughing and smile and after 10 minutes, all you know she’s in ICU fighting for her life and after 1 hour in ICU, she started to laugh and smile again.

Even the guards and the doctors there already know us. Even with all the sufferings she’s facing right now, you will always find a smile on her face (something that i will always miss). She’s happy right now and this is the reason why the doctor there did not want to do a dialysis on her even her kidney started to fail. The doctor said that not all treatments are suitable for her and she’s happy the way she is. So, the doctor didn’t want to take it from her by having to do dialysis thrice every week. But of course, she has a very long list of medication.

That’s all from me and of course my parents right now are very worried about her and I, on the other hand, need to look and stay strong for my parents and my grandma. My eldest sister and i know whenever Lily is in ICU, we need to look strong because we cannot see our parents and grandma crying anymore :-). And i also know Lily doesn’t want to see them crying (the reason why she will cry whenever she sees one of my family members is not feeling very well :-) )

If you find me writing too much about my sister, then I want to apologise because i really love her and most of what I have done so far is because of her. :-)

..the weekend..

2010-11-08T04:53:00.001-08:00

Sometimes.... things just dont turn out the way we want them to be...

My friend, Syazwan passed away on Thursday... Syazwan was a nice guy (and will always be).. He will always be remembered as a type of guy who will always smile to you. He will always be remembered as an easy going guy. And my conversation with him on Friday last 2 weeks would always be a meaningful one.

Lily is in ICU again. Time is getting shorter for me to be with her. It was during my family vacation when she suddenly became unconscious. Parents took her to Cameron Highlands Hospital and the hospital decided to send her to Alor Setar Hospital as her data is there. This is the fifth time she’s in ICU. But this one would be different. Before we went to Cameron, my parents already told me to use this time wisely. Time is getting shorter and the doctors say that they couldnt do anything much. She slept with me during the night when she became unconscious. She was unconscious in my hug. I hugged her during that time, feeling reluctant to let her go. We all went back to Alor Setar on Saturday. Parents asked me to go back to my college because even when I was there, i could do nothing much. I took the 11.45 pm bus to tg malim.

I know she will leave me soon, and Im prepared for that moment to happen. If God loves her more, I am willing to let her go. I really love her. She’s everything to me. I still recalled the moment when she was born 14 years ago. My mom said that my sister is special. When she was born, my mom got a promotion to be the head of account department in the Ministry of Education. She was the size of my palm when i first saw her in the hospital. I could only look her from a distant because i was totally afraid to touch her. During that time, i was afraid if i touched her, it would harm her. But mom gave her to me. And i never felt as happy as hugging her, carrying her to everywhere around the hospital. And everytime i came back from the school, i always asked my dad to bring me to the hospital just to look at her.

And like any brother, i really want hear her calling me for the first time. I really want to see her walking, like normal children. But i know, that is almost impossible and for that reason, i never lose my faith in the power of medicine.

Lily is still in ICU by the time I wrote this. Please pray, hoping that she will get better soon. I know she will be fine because she has a very strong will. She has been fighting this disease for 14 years and i know she will definitely win the battle this time around.

Reminder

2010-10-23T10:00:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in life, we need constant reminder, the purpose of what we are doing.

Today, there was marathon during the Health Awareness Week in my college. It was a fine morning as usual when everyone woke up to participate in the marathon. I wasn’t around as I had to go back home because I had to see my grandma and my sister for a while. Both of them were admitted to ICU last week. But, they are getting better right now.

I guess it was 11 am when I saw a few facebook status about my friend, Syazwan. I always teased him around because he’s quite nice. I never expected to receive news about him just now. When I saw the facebook status, I directly called Alifah to ask about him.

During the marathon (and from what I heard, 300 meters before the finishing line), Syazwan collapsed. People thought it was a normal collapse due to tiredness. But, when he was sent to the hospital, the doctor put him under ICU because he suffered from epilepsy or stroke (wasn’t so sure which one). He’s very critical right now. He’s in ICU and my friends told me that his chance was 60-40. All the organs have stopped functioning and he’s currently depending on the life support machine.

I didn’t know that the person who had a friendly conversation with me on Friday before that, will be in ICU today. I was shocked to hear that news as for me; he’s such a nice guy.

But that’s life. Sometimes, we tend to forget that anything can happen to us. If today we are healthy and can even say something bad about people, tomorrow or 1 hour after this, we may not see our loved ones (this is my fear now). Only when something like this happened, we will realise about it. When receiving the news, I feel like I have been slapped on my cheek. The news was sudden for me. It becomes a reminder for me, the purpose of everything I do in life. And I believe everything I do right now is for a just and fair cause that I really want to benefit people because I believe in the rewards given by HIM.

While doing some shopping in Giant yesterday, I saw a bunch of stray cats around. They did follow me because I guessed they were quite hungry. I bought a kilogram of fish and gave it to the cats. While giving food to the cats, I saw a dead cat from one corner. There was one cat trying to help him, without knowing that his friend has died. That’s life for me and that is how I see life. We always need someone to help us and we know whenever we make friends, they are not just there to have fun. But they are our strength and we know they will always stand beside us even though we can no longer feel the air. That is why, I really value friendship.

Two events happened to me during weekend. And these two things become my reminder not to forget HIM. Anything can happen and maybe this might be my last post (who knows). And I hope whatever I do right now (and I’m currently busy with Project HEART: Berbakti Dari Hati), will always be for my society, for a just and fair cause and not for popularity, for the rewards given by HIM. Insya-allah.

I hope Syazwan will be fine. Insya allah

Blessing Ramadhan and Syawal

2010-09-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post while I was on my way back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang.

Ramadhan and Syawal taught me many things which made me think more. I never feel as calm and happy as during these two months. My life in the college is back to normal. From my previous post, the headmaster has finally made a public apology during the students’ assembly. I wasn’t around during that time because I had a medical forum and I was presenting about Euthanasia. Many of my friends (I guess half of my batch mates) wanted to boycott the assembly but I said no as it was rather immature to do that. At the same time too, many people still put the blame on me because they still do not understand the real reason of what I did. For them, it was rather a stupid thing to do. I didn’t blame them for this as it took more than just matured thinking to understand the complexity of this situation. Let time change everything.

During Ramadhan too, I was appointed to be the new House Captain as the previous one has resigned due to a few problems not to be mentioned here. I dare to say that Apek, Durrah, Sara and I really had a great time working together even though we did agrue on a few things. With 3 people left, I still hope the same thing will be continued. At first I didn’t want to take it as I would rather focus on my studies. People said that this would be a good training ground for my leadership but I told them what I have gained so far was more than enough to prepare me for the future. I learnt a lot of things in MCKK, more than anyone else. It was there I stood alone during the lowest point of my life, and at the same time too, MCKK taught me not to enjoy too much whenever I am at the top as it is only temporary. But finally, I decided to be the Captain, not so much about wanting to be popular like anyone else or to make sure my name will be in the KYUEM Alumni book, but it was rather because of my ‘pity-ness’ looking at a few people in Garnet who are working very hard for things that they themselves don’t know what they are doing this. I do enjoy being in this house as everyone is happy working together. And I guess, being the Captain will eventually help me to understand and accept different types of people living in KYUEM :-). So, my vision for the house is not only to win the House Cup, but also to make sure everyone enjoys and learns more than just leadership. Hopefully they will learn to do what is right and not what is glamour. I’ve promised to myself that I will try my best to do what has been put on me very well.

So far, life in KYUEM is awesome despite so many things happening around me as here in KYUEM, I learnt to accept and respect people even if they hate you.

(enough with the seriousness)

Okay! I’m currently preparing for my UKCAT. I’m done with my personal statement and Sara is doing the final editing on it (hehehe. Thanks Sara). Ive decided to apply for all the Top 10 medical schools as given by my sponsor. Right now, I’m trying to read as much as possible about medical mysteries, politics and some social issues. Im currently trying my best to understand the Russian Revolution (walaupun sampai sekarang x faham sepatah haram pown :-p) from the book entitled ‘A people’s tragedy’ given by my cousin who is in London now.

This Raya too, I went back to my grandpa’s house. However, the house seemed a little bit gloomy without my beloved uncle there. He passed away a few months ago due to Leukemia. Mom seemed to be quite sad when we visited his grave as he was my mom’s closest brother. I went to Kuantan with my auntie and cousin. At first, we just wanted to visit my auntie there. But, the plan changed. Father and the rest went back to my grandpa’s house but me, sister and a few other relatives decided to spend time in Kuantan. I went to East Coast Mall (where my sister had a nightmare), watching late movie (Resident Evil – a must watch movie) and finally went to Teluk Chempedak. I had great time in teluk Chempedak, trying to get the lowest price for the lamps my auntie was trying to buy. The funny part was when we didn’t bring any single shirt there in Kuantan. We finally managed to get a few clothes at Padini and Brands Outlet. Thanks to my sis for the pizza. This is the good thing about my sister. Tak pernah lekok when it comes to treating me :-). Sayang kak!. Slept at my auntie’s house around 1 am

I did enjoy my Raya. I got the chance to meet everyone. I only cried when I drove my grandma to visit my relative in the hospital who’s suffering from cancer in pancreas.

That’s all from me. Love you.. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Semoga Kedua-dua bulan membawa berkat kepada semua.

the journey

2010-08-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

When I first entered KYUEM, all I wanted was to concentrate on my studies and get decent results for my A-levels. Of course along the way, so many things happened. I’ve dropped my Cambridge application and at the same time too, I didn’t get the results I wanted for my AS.

My post this time is not about this because I want to keep it later. This post is to highlight what has happened for the past 2 weeks.

I was being raised in such an environment which emphasised more on the importance of doing what is right for me and also for others. In MCKK too, I learnt to fight till the end of it. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It is rather a bloody harsh thing and sometimes, we are just alone fighting for it. But, that’s the principle that you will understand once you are in MCKK especially in the debating team.

When I first went against the KYUEM’s policy of re-sitting, many people said I was being radical about this and they said it was a sheer waste of time. Even worse, some said fighting the college is useless because at the end of the day, I would still lose the battle.

Putting everything aside, I viewed this from a different angle. It wasn’t so much about wanting to re-sit in October. In fact, fighting for re-sitting was rather a stupid thing as it would not affect me so much. However, the whole idea was about showing to people especially the Students Council of KYUEM to fight for what is right and never afraid even if you need to stand alone. At the same time too, I wanted the college to hear the students’ voices so that they would not see students as their guinea pigs or puppets only.

Before everything started, I have personally talked to a few SC members. Yet, nothing was done. With only 5 people joining the ‘cluster’, I went meeting the headmaster asking for clarifications about the policy. During that meeting, he told us to discuss this with the heads of departments as the heads will then discuss with him.

I knew, fighting him was like fighting for a losing battle as someone like him would not listen to us at all. But, i still wanted to do it. I discussed this with the heads of departments and during that moment i already got support from Biology, Chemistry and Maths Department. But, when the issue was raised during the meeting with the headmaster, the headmaster still did not agree to change the policy. From that moment, I knew something drastic should be done to this person.

There was no point talking to anyone in KYUEM during that time as everyone decided to follow what has been set up by the headmaster. I then personally sent a few emails to the CEO of the college asking him to help and interfere in this issue. The response I received during that time wasn’t that good as he said he would leave everything to the college to decide.

With no prospect of everything to get better, I then met the Director Of Human Resource of my sponsor to discuss about this. The response I received was good as my director said he would discuss this directly with the college.

As the registration for the exam will be closed in 2 days, i knew I had to do something drastic with a huge impact. I then decided to do a petition for this. I was so thankful to God as many people signed the petition. I didn’t expect to receive such like that support. The petition was then sent to the headmaster.

The response from the headmaster was not very good. He said the idea of doing the petition was very pathetic and shouldn’t be done in the first place. He condemned the idea and decided to meet all of my batch mates to discuss about this (where the drama started to begin)

At the same time too, the CEO came to the college to look at this matter closely. I met him personally and told him about this. He said he would discuss this with the headmaster.

A day later, there was a notice from the headmaster to meet all of my batch mates. During the so called ‘meeting’, he clarified every single thing even though we already knew about that. He said the policy could not be changed no matter what happened.

After talking to us, he then walked out. I then raised my hands on the basis to clarify views on our side (the students). While standing alone, I talked to him that he should have asked student’s opinions before having this policy and he should also give students the choice whether to re-sit or not as most of the students are being sponsored. So, the requirements are different. Even the university requirements are different. Having a general policy like this would not benefit students. In fact, it worsens the situation. Thus, he should go on case-by-case basis. I was totally shocked during that moment because he cut me while i was speaking and asking me to sit down. He said this was not a public meeting (even though he was the one telling us that this would be a discussion about the policy). He also told us that he was not going to waste time discussing about this as he had other things to do.

Everyone was shocked because as the headmaster of a World-Class A-level College and an Oxbridge graduate, he should have at least, listened to what we were going to say. This is a democratic world where everyone has equal chance to speak. The headmaster should respect students and not treating us like nothing or just PUPPETS.

Even the deputy headmaster and our counselor were shocked. Everyone wasn’t satisfied with the way he reacted to me.

I knew this shouldn’t end like this. I then wrote a final email to the CEO telling him about this that it wasn’t the re-sitting policy that matters during that time but my biggest concern was more about the way the headmaster treated us .

I was shocked when I received a reply from the CEO. He said that after meeting me at the college, he then met the headmaster and from that discussion, the final say about the re-sit policy should come from the majority of students and sponsors.

This means that our meeting with the headmaster should be the time when we got to vote for this. However, something different happened during the meeting.

At the same time too, i received a response from my sponsor that they already talked to the headmaster. They said that if we could no longer study there, they allowed us to transfer college. They would no longer send scholars there. Parents to a few students also talked to the headmaster but he was still stubborn to change the policy.

I knew this would happen. He was such a dictator. But from what i heard, his contract will not be continued next year.

A few SC people met him and he told them he would make a public apology for the way he reacted in the hall. What attracted my intention was the fact that he said I could meet him if I wanted to (which I find it futile as the registration for the exam has been closed).

However, things did not stop there. During the HOD meeting, the headmaster told every teacher there that there was a student ‘arguing’ with him about the policy. I find it inappropriate to use the word ‘argue’ as it only gave a bad impression about me to the teachers. I didn’t argue with him because i was just about to ask him a few things. In fact, he was the one who didnt allow me to speak.

I knew it was pointless talking to him. During the English class, my teacher was trying to put the blame on me for the chaos I made to the college. But, I told her that what I did was the right thing. I told her that I didn’t fight for the policy so much for me to re-sit, but because i wanted the headmaster to understand that whenever he wanted to have a policy like this, he should ask the students first. This is a democratic place. So, students have the voice to say every single thing.

A few teachers knew about this. They supported me and said i should continue. They believed what i did was the right thing to do as no one has ever done that including the students council. The teachers said that they have been fighting this for so long but no response was received. At least, by me doing this, the headmaster was freaking out a little bit and the CEO has listened to me (even though some students find it pointless as they would rather concentrate on their studies)

I was so glad as some people came and met me personally to say thank you for what I have done so far. It was more than enough to hear people saying that I did the right thing. I could not explain here the moment when I heard people saying thank you to me including the teachers. I am more than happy to help everyone there.

I believe this is not the end of it. But, i have no power in the college. I am not a SC member. This is the best i could do. I hope those who have power in the college will continue to fight for the rights and welfare of students and teachers. Stop calling yourselves fighters if you are only event planners. Dont blame people if they dont thank you for what you have done so far because people here are mature and smart enough to know whether what you have done so far are good enough or not to deserve their appreciation. Fighting for what is right is never a famous thing to do. It was the hardest thing ever. But, people will thank you once they know you have done your best. You are credible enough if people acknowledge you but you are just not trying hard enough if there are still other ways to do it.

Final note on this:

- I should thank and give my credit to a few people who have been standing beside me fighting against this dictator. I know without them, i could do nothing. They knew that this thing is not famous and many people initially did not support it, but these people still continue fighting for what is right with me:

Afzyim@Judo = thank you for standing and helping me doing this. You never afraid to do what you think is right and you never fail to enlighten me with different ways of fighting

Zikri@Blonde = thank you for your support and courage of meeting the headmaster even though you know you will be scolded after that :-)

Sara = thanks for at least be my ‘backbone’ and continue giving me support even though you were the only one understand my ‘ideology’ of fighting the policy. You never fail to be a place where I can share every single thing.

Syakirah = thanks for not complaining about the hardship of this journey and doing everything possible

Alethea = thanks for your support especially when meeting the headmaster and also for influencing the teachers to believe in us

Naim = thanks for your concern and moral support about this. You are always a good listener to share every single thing.

Syahirah, Shu Yi = thanks for being the first to join my ‘cluster’

Although some didnt care for what we did, it’s more than enough to have all of you throughout this journey. Thank you :-)

Cheriteraku

2010-08-16T05:46:00.001-07:00

Pada petang Jumaat yang hening selepas solat di surau As-Saad, penulis berhasrat untuk melawat rakan-rakannya di KL. Dengan menaiki bas Star Coach Tanjung Malim-K.L, penulis pun memulakan edisi lawatannya. Hasrat awal ingin pergi menaiki KTM. Namun begitu, disebabkan KTM mengambil masa yang lama, penulis pun membuat keputusan untuk menaiki bas. Lalu, setelah membeli tiket, penulis pun duduk disebelah seorang pak cik yang menakutkan ala-ala perogol bersiri. Nasib baik lah penulis dirahmati oleh Tuhan kerana bas itu penuh dengan manusia-manusia bermuka suci. Setelah 1 jam menaiki bas, penulis pun sampai di Central Market@Pasar Seni. Penulis terpaksa bergerak ke Bangsar menaiki LRT kerana ingin berjumpa dengan sahabatnya yang telah mempunya kareer di sebuah ‘legal firm’ di kawasan terbabit. Kawannya, Fendy (bukan nama sebenar) datang berjumpa dengan penulis setelah penulis menunggu 30 minit di situ menantikan sahabatnya itu habis kerja (biasa lar.. dah berkareer). Sahabatnya itu membawa penulis terbabit pergi ke bazaar Ramadhan yang berhampiran untuk membeli juadah berbuka puasa. Sewaktu membeli nasi kukus yang berharga RM 6.00, penulis terjumpa pelakon waktak utama Ju-On sewaktu Evening With Garnet. Kali ini, penulis tidak terkejut seperti sebelumnya. Penulis sempat menegurnya.

Perjalanan diteruskan dengan mengikut Fendy ke apartmentnya yang terletak di Pusat Bandar Damansara. Setelah berbuka puasa dan bergosip, Fendy mengajak penulis keluar untuk membeli kek bagi seorang lagi sahabat bernama Fido (bukan nama sebenar jugak). Dalam perjalanan ke Secret Recipe, penulis terserempak dengan seorang makhluk ciptaan Tuhan yang senyum kepadanya. Mulanya, penulis beranggapan bahawa lembaga itu adalah kawan Fendy, tiba-tiba “Eh. Azfar. What are you doing here?”. Rupanya, lembaga itu merupakan senior penulis di KYUEM yang bernama Azfar. Penulis meneruskan misi mencari kek Chocolate Strawberry dari Secret Recipe.

Setelah itu, penulis pergi bersembahyang terawih di surau berdekatan. Penulis agak terkejut kerana tidak memahami tasbih yang diguna pakai. Penulis berasa seperti berada di negara lain. Penulis menganggap itu perkara biasa. Edisi lawatan diteruskan dengan menanti 2 orang kawan di rumah fendy iaitu Fido dan Ben. Jam menunjukkan pukul 11. Tiba-tiba sahaja pintu bilik diketuk. Fido dan ben datang. Wah! Ben sudah berubah. Makin cun melecun. Hahaha. Kemudian ketiga-tiga sahabat itu mengajak penulis pergi menziarahi rakan-rakan lain di UIA dan UM. Namun begitu, kesemua mereka tidak berada di universiti masing-masing. Fido dan Ben berhasrat membawa penulis berjalan di Sri Hartamas dan sekitar KL sambil bergosip. Acara diteruskan dengan supper di Pelita sambil mengutuk Datuk Fadilah Come To Me dan Cheff Two.

Setelah jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi, Fido dan Ben menghantar penulis bersama fendy ke apartment Fendy. Akibat keletihan yang melampau, fendy dan penulis tidur nyenyak hingga sahur. Penulis dan fendy hanya bersahurkan roti butterscotch dan soya bean. Setelah solat subuh, Haqqa telah menjemput penulis dan Fendy untuk menghadiri satu seminar di MBSA di Shah Alam. Setelah hampir 30 minit, penulis pown sampai di situ.

Yang lain tidak dapat diceritakan kerana sangat banyak yang terjadi.. tak larat nak menaip.. Sorie...

Of Being Judgmental

2010-07-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

We live in a world full of judgmental people. Whether we like it or not, that’s the reality of life. Sometimes, we are too quick to judge people; maybe based on what others say or just rumours. Sometimes, you just need to bear with these people. Life indeed will be dull if we don’t have these people. People are just getting more judgmental. You just need to tolerate with them.

We can easily criticise others without looking at it seriously. We can easily blame others without even reflecting ourselves

Teachers blame students for their poor academic performances without asking the fundamental cause of the problems.

Bosses blame workers without thinking that they bring influences to the work places.

We blame the environment we live in for our attitude without having self-reflection.

But, the reality is, we cannot judge people before we know them very well nor blame others for our own mistakes. I guess, that’s why people say don’t judge a book by its cover.

What you need to do every time you do any mistake, just take it and don’t repeat the same thing.

Experience is a good teacher. :-)

***Mr Amran said my p.s. is not touching enough. I should edit it more.

Short Story

2010-07-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

I wrote this story just to brush up my wiriting skills :-)

I was looking at a photo album that stored a thousand vivid memories in it; some were bad but most were pleasurable memories. Looking at one particular photograph, I recalled an incident that completely ruined my life as a result of my bad behaviour at that time.

It all happened five years ago when I was still a residential school student. As usual, everyone was on cloud nine and our hearts exploded with joy when the school holidays came. I was one of them. I went back to my house in Cameron Highlands. It was the ultimate Tudor-style country house with latticed windows and wooden beams. The bungalow had an aesthetic style and emphasised high standards of craftsmanship. The wide cemented porches that lay flat on the surface and a beautifully lush landscaped garden with delicate pale-gold and purple flowers were a sight for sore eyes.

Upon arriving there, I saw my brother, Ameer. He was a man of boundless energy and single-minded drive. He was in his early twenties and he had been on his own since my parents passed away six years ago in a car crash.

“You said you would arrive earlier?” he asked, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Ameer. I missed the bus. So, I had to catch the second one,” I explained while shaking and kissing his muscular hands.

Beside my brother was my maid whom I called ‘bibik’, although she was not from Indonesia. She was a lady of average height and in her early forties. She had wrinkled skin, an aquiline nose and arched eyebrows. With jet-black and shoulder length hair, she looked exactly like me at first glance. She was a widow, I guess, as her husband was no where to be seen.

I really despised her. I still remember how she got me in trouble. She told my parents that I had smoked in the toilet. My parents hit the ceiling when they found out and they decided to send me far away to study in a residential school. Until now, I cannot forgive her. She is a thorn in my side. What I really hate about her is that she looked exactly like me. She was, on the other hand, the apple of my brother’s eyes.

Upon my arrival at the house, I ordered her to take my bag in.

It was a fine morning as usual. The sun was about to rise and the cheerful chirpings of a multitude of birds could be heard. The earth was alive with insects singing and rustling about in search of food. There was also the blare of music from the radio and the soothing sounds of leaves. As usual, I went to the dining room to take my breakfast without knowing it would be a tragic day for me.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrant smell of nasi lemak - rice cooked in coconut milk served with anchovies, chilli paste, boiled egg, fried peanuts, slices of cucumber and lettuce made my mouth water. I sat on a unique dining table reflecting great English style together with my brother. I enjoyed that exotic culinary delight. Out of the blue, I could see something juicy, green and fat crawling among the lettuce on my plate.

‘’Eek!” I screamed in fright, a tiny worm just peeked at me from the pieces of lettuce leaves on my fork.

My face swelled in anger and I blew my top. I was not aware that my brother’s eyes were on me.

“Bibik! Come here!” I screamed at the top of my voice. Reacting quickly, I immediately threw the lettuce on my plate and spat the remaining lettuce from my mouth. In my frantic rush to the wash basin, I knocked over a chair. I washed my mouth over and over again. Bibik quickly walked towards me then looked down at my plate. She was speechless for along time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see the worm,’’ she muttered a hurried apology then colour drained from her face.

“What? Don’t fool around with me!’’ I raised my voice while throwing a melamine plate at her. She fell. I kicked her side. I took a few more melamine plates and threw them at her until she was knocked unconscious. When I was just about to slap her left cheek, I saw a photo of her with a baby fall off from her pocket. The baby was me!

‘’Enough, Zulikhwan! Stop abusing her!’’ my brother shouted at me while trying to lend his maid a hand.

What is this?” I replied while taking the photo from her. I was red with anger and my face turned ashen. I was about to slap her when my brother uttered something unbelievable.

“She is your mother, Zulikhwan!” he explained to me.

“What?” I shouted in shock. Bibik? My mother? That’s ridiculous. She’s our maid!

I was dumbfounded when I heard the news. My brother explained to me that she decided to work in that mansion as she wanted to be with me. She had to sell me as she did not have enough money to take care of my needs and give me a proper education. My late parents told this to my brother. I was totally shocked. I ran and locked myself in the room for a few hours and refused to speak to anyone. Out of the blue, my brother knocked on the door of my room. He told me that my ‘mother’ was unconscious and was in hospital. He decided to bring me to the hospital.

A few hours later, the doctor came out and told me that my mother had a brain tumour. Her condition was very critical and she could die. My brother and I were totally shocked. We really did not know about this. She wanted to keep it a secret as she did not want us to worry. I cried and cried. I blamed myself for acting the way I did.

‘Mom! Please wake up. Don’t leave me alone. I need you. I really need your love. Please give me a second chance,” I cried beside the almost lifeless body of my mother. My brother tried to comfort me.

A few days later, the doctor could not do anything to my mother anymore. Her condition was very critical. At 5.30 pm on 1^st August 1990, she passed away without ever regaining consciousness.

I was so pissed of with my brother for not telling me the truth. I quickly grabbed his car’s key and drove his BMW 5 Series. It was rainy. The boom of thunders could be heard while I was crying and sobbing in the car, thinking of my mistake towards my mother. I was totally miserable at that time. Suddenly, I could not control the car. A big lorry was in front of me. Crash! I hit the lorry! I was semi conscious. It was my punishment after hurting my mother like that. I was sent to the hospital and the doctor told me that I would not be able to walk anymore. I accepted my fate.

I regret what I did to my mother. I was so filled with remorse. She was the one who gave birth to me but yet, I never admitted that she was my mother. She gave me up because she wanted to give me a good education as she was poor. I looked into the album that she kept for 17 years. She did not want me to know about this as she wanted me to be happy. But now, she is no longer with me and I am totally miserable. Despite all that, with hope, I looked forward to another new day

Ntah...

2010-06-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Kadangkala, bila perasaan malas datang, facebook dah ditengok 24 jam ditambah dengan tak tahu nak buat apa, datanglah post yang tak bermotif macam nie:-)...

- walaupun perasaan malas datang, i will try to finish up my homework: Maths exercise, physics question papers, chemistry and biology notes

- half way dah for my ps

- im in dilemma.... I have 4 options for my university choices. what universities to choose: currently in consideration....... (nothing hehehehe)

- Good luck to fendy dalam membuat IC and bank card nyer yang telah dicuri.. Hehehe..

- Sudah menukar layout blog nie untuk kali keberapa ntah disebabkan mengambil nasihat sara yang suruh selalu sign in..Hehehehe

'Koleq' teachers

2010-06-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

The news isn’t new for everyone. But, I just found out about it few days ago. My beloved MCKK ‘sensei’ was transferred to Clifford last April on the basis that she didn’t contribute anything to the school @ she wasn’t a superb teacher.

I might not know her very well. She only taught me English when I was in form 2. But one thing for sure, she never failed to ask anything about me everyday. She was very concerned, more than anyone else in MCKK especially about my debating career. She knew when I had problems and whenever she met me:

‘Zuli, senyum lah sikit. Nampak tua dah muka awak tu :-)’ – maybe that’s the reason why I look older than my friends of the same age

I still remember, whenever we (the debaters) finished our meeting quite late, we always called her to order some food. She never failed to disappoint us. And whenever I went back to MCKK (even after SPM), she always contacted me via sms or facebook. We sometimes never failed to chat, asking about everything. However, due to my very packed schedule, I haven’t had the chance to talk to her.

She may not be a ‘superb’ teacher like what the school told her, but she is always a GREAT AND EXTRAORDINARY teacher to me.

Sayonara Sensei Azizah Amin. Thanks for everything. NGA satu! :-)

Since last few years, many teachers decided to leave MCKK even though they really love the school. Some of them have spent most of their lives in MCKK (up to 20 years). But due to the improper management of the school (the principal to be exact) many great teachers left the school. But I know, deep inside their hearts, they want to go back to MCKK.

A few weeks ago, my father met Cg. Malik (who is currently in SBPI Kubang Pasu). He directly asked about me. I still remember when I was a Form 1, I cried because of homesick. My father met him to discuss about this. And the only thing he told my father was to just ignore me until a few months later; I managed to overcome the problem. He told my dad, if he is given the opportunity to be a teacher at MCKK back, he will not hesitate to take the offer.

Ust. Ishak was also the one of the teachers that faced the same problem. He was my warden when I was a Form 1. After more than 10 years serving for MCKK, he decided to leave MCKK. Tukar angin katanya’. A very lovely teacher. Always made jokes and always taught us to be independent.

During my time, there were a few teachers who never entered any class to teach (isn't that what a teacher should do?), but they are still there till now. they have not been transferred to other schools. Maybe because they are 'superb', or maybe because they know how to 'lick' (sounds fishy right) the principal.

Whatever it is i love you all!!!

'' maybe we should change the principal kowt:-)mesti MCKK akan top kembali''

** Sensei Azizah may have forgotten this. When I was a form 2, she told me one thing after her last English class with me in the Japanese Room : 'zulikhwan, I know you can be someone extraordinary out there. Never let anything distract you.'
I always remember her advice until now.......

Nothing much...

2010-06-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

Finally, I managed to write something for my blog. Nothing much to say. It has been a while since the last time I posted something here

- The english debate team made it to the semi final – but they lost (the curse which couldn’t be broken since 2004)

- Done with my AS exam which took place for almost 6 weeks!

- Done with our Ecotrip for Biology

- Currently busy with my university application i.e. personal statement workshop and Oxbridge tutorial.

- Done with 2nd semester. Can’t wait to get out of the college to start my degree :-) (insya allah)

- Managed to watch 6 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in just 2 months :-)

- Currently busy with my job attachment for the 4th time at the hospital

- Currently missing like hell my koleq friends (even though I always called fendy and fido)

- Trying to study during holidays

- Finished reading the Kite Runner and Anne Frank

- Planning to read 3 more books before the end of this holiday

- Currently a volunteer at a community centre for learning disabilities

- Planning to a member of Malaysian Red Crescent Society

This is just not me

2010-04-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last month was very terrible to me.

Things didn’t go as planned. Done with trial. Result wasn’t satisfactory. A big exam is approaching in 1 week. Haven’t prepared anything. Lost my motivation for a while. This is just not my style.

Regret wasting time doing unnecessary things. Should do more things that benefit me. Just don’t know what to do now. Just pray to God. Hope everything will be fine

Many things happened. Better not to talk about them, Most of them were bad

This is just not me. I feel lost. I feel empty. I want everything to be back to normal.

I spend most of my time now remembering my friends in MCKK. Fendy, Rashad, Fido, Yuhaikal, Tapah… cannot get rid of this feeling. should spent more time with them last few days in MCKK..I wish you were here..I wish I could turn the clock back..

I dont want to be a mediocre.. i want to be the best.. But, I feel I am a mediocre right now

All I did last month was not more than just thinking of what will happen.

I feel so isolated.

This is just not me.

A miserable mind with my soul floating in the sky

Reminiscence

2010-03-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

Miss sherry and Mus'ab

Mus'ab's birthday

Bm and Bi teams

Fido and Jae

Fido and Jae came to visit me all the way from Taylors a few weeks ago. I was performing my Friday payer when i received a message from Fido..

We are at Saad’s Mosque (KYUEM’s mosque)

OMG. I was so touched . Fido drove and spent his weekend together with Jae just to visit me. Amin and Sara were there too. Thank you

** Fido is one of the best friends I have back then in MCKK. I told him almost every single thing that has happened in my life until now. He's currently in Taylors, doing A-levels. Although we are quite far away from each other, we never fail to keep in touch. I'm so glad to have him in the first place

***********************************

I also came back from PPM northern zone to watch koleq debating. From the last time I saw them debating, I could see lots of improvements. They have been working so hard. Mia has improved a lot! Both teams; BM and Bi made it to the finals. Including the cagers. BM won over STAR but BI lost to STAR. Whatever it is, there are still a few challenges ahead! Hope they will do much better in PPM National.

** I was at SMS Muhammad Jiwa with my sister, Mieza. While watching them in the bus after the final, I cried, remembering my old days debating with Fido, Rashad, Nub and Ed. Debating in MCKK was more than just debating. It was different. We were not just teammates. They were my shoulders to cry on. I miss my time sitting together with Fido, Ed and Nub on my bed every time after debate meeting. We were like a family. Oh, i wish I could turn the clock back!

The Bangsawan Story

2010-02-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

Garnet managed to get 2 awards for best costume and best supporting actor. I played a role as the Sultan of that play. The story was brilliant with a twist at the end. Although I has been involved in theater since I was Form 1 with Dongeng Chengeng, it was different for this time around. I was the sultan, the cruel ruler of Inderapura who killed his own bendahara. I'm not going to tell you about the theater, but the inside story of Bangsawan.

I think bangsawan has lost its gist; the initial purpose of having it in the first place. An event that will bring bring everyone together; has turned to be a very stressful one, with eveyone wanted to win. I know winning was not wrong, but when your dream was so powerful, you would hurt people along the way. That didn't include those who did not satisfy with the result. they even wrote down lots of critics against the management team. So not professional. i told Puan Halijah

Puan Halijah, next time we want to have Bangsawan, you should invite other judges. If not, its better not to have Bangsawan.

A lot of efforts have been invested especially by the seniors which sometimes I think too much. their time to study was put aside. i hope they will do better. That is it for now. Overall, i love to be in Garnet because even though we lost, we were the winner in the eyes of the audience.

In life there are 2 types of winning. One is for the moment and another one is for forever.

Balairung

With Pembesar and Dayang

the Sultan will be killed!

the red house of Garnet

the cruel sultan

Turning 19

2010-02-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

I already turned 19 on 2nd February. It was indeed a great moment for me to celebrate my birthday in KYUEM. What a blast!

The day started when I received 2 phone calls from my beloved mom and sister. Thank you so much! I also received a few early smsses from my friends around 12 am.

Tan : happy birthday for tomorrow. beware of your door tonight . :-) (9.15 pm)

Edzra : Happy birthday. Moga hepi slalu...miss u

Firdaus kasman : Epi brtday abg zuli (:

Kuru : Hepy besday. sm0ge hepy selalu...fwenshp 4eva

Azman ; Eppi bday

Alifah : May all your wishes cme true, zulikhwan :-)

Eju : Hepi bday zuliks! May Allah bless u & may all ur wishes come true :-)

(all smses above were sent around 12.00 am).. I also received a message from Alifah's mom

Lots and lots more flooded into my inbox. thank you very much, my friends! Not forgetting , my MCKK friends!

I woke up happily. I received a few more wishes from my friends during classes. During my Mathematics class too, Alifah told Mr. Mahatzir about my birthday. So, all my classmates sang a song! Oh, I was so speechless! I could not say any single word. What a nice moment!

Then, around 1.00 pm, i walked to the dining hall for lu nch. Blonde started to tell everyone about my birthday. everyone sang the song in the dining hall. ouh :-)

I was quite surprised to see Gadget and Imran started to paste a few posters. My birthday posters! Haha... I still could not believe that they spent nearly RM 10 just to print the posters

The day went on smoothly until i received a 'warning' message from Jannah

Zuli! ak nk jmpe ko kt kafe pukul 6.30 ptg! wajib dtg!

i was quite worried if i did any mistake to her. i went to the cafe together with judo

Zuli! Aku cakap 6.30 Apasal ngko datang lambat

As I entered the cafe......

happy birthday to you, Zuli!!

A surprise party! OMG, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!!!

Jannah made an effort to organise a surprise party for me together with Alifah, Qili, Azman, Harinn and Amin. We ate and enjoyed the night. I really, really had a whale of a time!

After Bangsawan training, I went back to my chalet around 11.30 pm. Feeling tired, I locked the door of my chalet and switched off the light. i did not want to be bashed! i managed to hide using the same trick a day before. But that night, I could not escape. Judo came to see me . After having a long chat with him, he asked me to follow him just for a while. As I opened my chalet's door, Judo pushed me away and Din, Amin Asmuin, Chaq, Shuk bashed me with water! Argh!

i ran away around the corridor, from kampong topaz all the way to kampong diamond. I could not escape anymore. They chased after me. i could not do anything! Hahaha.

After bashing me, they had another surprise party for me. Ouh! I felt so touched. We ate together

2 days later, I went to bangsawan training. i waited almost 2 hours but, there was no training. I told Dila that I wanted to go back but she insisted me to stay there because the training would start very soon. Luqman came to see me and told me that Azriff wanted to interview me for his assignment. So, i went to the room and Azriff started the interview together with Jocelyn and K-Na. Suddenly, there was a blackout. i was in panic.

Happy birthday to you , Zully!

OMG! I just did not expect it! My pet family arranged another surprise party for me. Ouwh! i just cried as i did not expect that they would celebrate my birthday like this.

Dear friends,

Thank you for giving a wonderful surprise to me! I really had a great time during my birthday. Thank you too for all the gifts you gave to me. but, the most wonderful gift comes from a sincere heart. Thank you.

Mira, and Amy during bangsawan training

Amy said : Zuli! please la photogenic sikit wehh ;D hahaar

P-21

Gifts from friends

Cake!

Wish from P-21

So sweet

Ye lah tu

Birthday bash!

mira said : zuli lg sopan dr aku.down:(

Poster by gadget and imran

Jannah did this! Ouwh

harinn, jannah, amin, azman, alifah, qili and jannah

My brother and job attachment

2010-01-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

My brother was admitted to the hospital 4 days ago due to bacteria infection and the doctor allowed him to go back home today. Nothing serious happened but I was totally in a panic on the first day. I was at the hospital to do my job attachment when I heard the news. He first told my parents that his legs were in pain after coming back from the school. My parents brought him to the nearest clinic but the doctor there advised to bring him to the hospital. While he has at the hospital, he was directly referred to the pediatric clinic. X-ray was done to examine his backbone and knees. The doctor could not figure out what went wrong with his legs. The doctor assumed it was due to bacteria infection. He was given a few injections to fight against the bacteria. The blood test was out and everything was fine. The bacteria started to attack the tendon of both knees first then moved to the shoulders’ joints. He’s okay now. I was with him for the whole 4 days until I have done all of my homework because I did not know what to do there. Hahaha. I was also attached to the same ward So, everything is back to normal. But he needed to go back to the clinic a month after. As a treat to that, my parents will bring him to The Carnival tomorrow.

I was so excited and fun while doing my job attachment. It was my first time when I watched 7 operations done in front of me in a day. I was so fascinated with the structure of human anatomy and how a small stone in our gall bladder will affect the whole function of our body. Just imagine, there are 12 operation theaters in the hospital at each theater will perform 8 operations per day from 8 am until 5.00 pm! I felt sorry with the doctors there as they looked extremely exhausted and tired. An operation must be done by 2 doctors. They only took a short break in between the operations just to give ample time for staffs to clean up the mess there. It was during my attachment too, when I saw some people’s reactions would change when they heard they have cancer. Some refused to listen to the doctors as they believed traditional treatments more than anything else until there was an old man’s kidney became smaller due to the traditional treatments given by an unqualified doctor. It was very dangerous!

Oh, if I could change the world, I would have asked for everyone to be healthy.

Ok. That is it for now!

A new CHANGE for everyone??

2010-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

I wish happy new year to everyone. When new year comes in, people always talk about changes, changes that everyone is hoping to do. So do I. It may sound cliche, but that is the fact of life. Life is a wheel. sometimes, you are at up, sometimes down. so many things happened in 2009, some awere bad but most were pleasurable memories. but that is what makes me stronger in the future. I hope this year will bring changes to everyone for greater good.

So, what are my wishes?

I hope everything will be fine..
Good results for my a-levels
Good friends..
My family is in the best of all

I think, that is it. But my new year actually already started from the 1^st Muharram :-). I hope everyone will have a wonderful year. One more week left before i start my college time back.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Our First Biggest Fear

2009-12-19T04:19:00.001-08:00

Do you still remember our first biggest fear? Well, for me my first one would be berkhatan. I know it sounded quite hideous for us, but that is our first biggest fear (for boys only) in life.

My brother did face the same fear, khatan. At first, everything was fine. He looked very brave and sounded very confident. So, we expected nothing would happen. However, everything went upside down when the day arrived. My father together with my uncle brought him to the clinic. But, when they arrived there, my brother started to make complaints. He first said that the doctor wasn't professional enough from the way he dressed up. (i think because he was so afraid of it). The he started to complain about lots of things. My mom wasn't there so he said that he needed my mom to be there. They went back home without being khatan. My mom went to the clinic for the second time together with me. Then, he also made lots of complaints and said that khatan is so painful. I told him:

Dik min nak kasi doktor khatan ka atau nak balik rumah biar abang potong sendiri guna gunting?

Maybe he was very afraid of me, he decided to choose the doctor (hahaha).

I still remembered khatan during my time. It was quite easy. My father brought me to the clinic and everything went smoothly. But, the only thing i remembered was that i fainted after that due to the loss of blood. Hahaha. At least, i didn’t make as much chaos as my brother made!

.........................................................................................

I think it is still not too late to wish this:

hikayat kambing masuk air

2009-12-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Who say a goat is afraid of water? Well, you will change your mind after reading my story. It’s not a love story or a ghost story; it is a GOAT’S story.

* Please read it by heart and understand the message behind it. Ignore the flowery phrases I use :-)

I was at my auntie’s house in Pangkor. She is a woman of boundless energy and single-minded drive. She is also a lady of average height and in her early forties. She had wrinkled skin, an aquiline nose and arched eyebrows. With jet-black and shoulder length hair, she looked exactly like Dita Von Teese (this is too much) at first glance.

It was a fine Friday morning as usual. The sun rose majestically in the sky heralding the dawn of a glorious new day and the cheerful chirpings of a multitude of birds could be heard. The earth was alive with insects singing and rustling about in search of food. There was also the blare of music from the radio and the soothing sounds of leaves.

I was sitting on a unique dining table reflecting great English style together with my family and my auntie while enjoying her nasi lemak. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrant smell of nasi lemak - rice cooked in coconut milk served with anchovies, chilli paste, boiled egg, fried peanuts, slices of cucumber and lettuce made my mouth water. I enjoyed that exotic culinary delight.

After that, I went outside the house to read newspapers. It was the ultimate Tudor-style country house with latticed windows and wooden beams. The house had an aesthetic style and emphasised high standards of craftsmanship. The wide cemented porches that lay flat on the surface and a beautifully lush landscaped garden with delicate pale-gold and purple flowers were a sight for sore eyes.

Suddenly, I saw a goat inside a pool near my auntie’s house. I was so dumbfounded to see that. I just did not know where the goat came from. I was so attracted to see how the goat tried to save his life. The goat made a noisy sound, asking for help. After a few minutes of struggling in the pool, a few other goats came near the nearly drowning goat, trying to help him. But, they couldn’t do anything. The goat was still ‘screaming’. With the intelligence that God gave to him, he tried to find ways of escaping from death at that moment. Finally, luck was on his side. The goat saved his life with no one’s help. He used the intelligence that God gave to it to find a big stone in the pool. He climbed the stone, pushed his body and voila! He made it.

It was quite fun to see how the goat could save his life. But until now, I still could not figure out how the hell on Earth, a goat can enter a house with fence around it? There was no goat farm near the house. Oh, maybe God wanted to show something.

I just could not sleep that night. I still could not understand it. Maybe God wants to show us something. That is us in real world. If we want to be successful in life, we cannot rely on other people. Instead, we need to make a drastic move. We need to do it on our own. We need to change ourselves. That is the reality of life. We cannot depend on others to be successful in life. That is why God wants us to think. If an animal that God does not give any ability to think can survive, why not us? Remember, we are not animals. We have brains. So, use them

Reflect and think about it

Allah says: "Allah will not change the fate of a people until they change their own fate." (Ar-Ra'du:11)

eid ul adha

2009-12-01T04:57:00.000-08:00

I just came back from my grandpa’s house in Pahang to celebrate raya there. This year only, I went back there for 3 times :-) . Nothing interesting happened. It was just normal raya ( but still fun) with korban. Oh yeah! My grandpa had korban. I was so touched to hear takbir. Oh, I wished I was in front of Kaabah during that moment.

So, enjoy the photos !!!

my auntie who is currently a teacher (2nd raya at Pantai hiburan)

the family of 7 R ( roshidah @ my mom, rodziah, roslan, rosna, rosli, rofiza, ruslizayanti)

My mom, dad n lily

korban

in front of my grandpa's house @ tesco because of the size of the house :-)

my undying blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-22T07:39:00.000-08:00

Ok. Let’s see. It has been 2 months since the last time I wrote something here. Maybe I was quite lazy to write because there were so many activities here; in KYUEM. But my blog is still alive! And now, I am back. It’s semester break and I hope I will have more time to write something here.

Talking about what I did for the past few weeks, there were so many things happened. I took my semester exam last month and the result was announced 2 weeks after that. I didn't know what went wrong with the exam. The exam turned out to be very bad for me. I blamed nobody for my failure but myself. Maybe I played too much for the past few weeks and I was being overconfident about the exam. I have made a promise to myself not to play anymore. (ye kan Alifah ?:-)). Next year is going to be an ‘insaf’ mode for me because I really, really need to change. Last week too was the End of Semester dinner. I went crazy during the concert because the song was very nice. Really had fun eating together with my friends and that didn’t include the part when I could not figure out the trick that Harinn taught us to play. Unfortunately, the night saw Topaz won the inter-house video competition (I thought Sapphire would have won because of the originality that they had).

I also spent my weekend with Harinn, Alifah, Eju, Amin and Azman. We went to my uncle’s house. It was an unplanned trip either because it was a last minute decision. We just didn’t know where to go during that day and I just invited them to follow me. Just imagined, there were 7 people in my uncle’s CRV! Thank God, I was sitting in front! But, the worst part was when we went to the river and it was raining! Hahaha. I think you should read Eju’s post and you will know how adventurous the trip was. We went to the nearby ‘pondok’ without knowing it was ’Tanah Perkuburan Islam Kuala Kubu Baru’. But frankly speaking, we really had a whale of time together.

Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you something. I had mouth fighting with Almaz over Harinn . I think that was on our last night when we had our last dinner at the café. I still remember how Almaz ‘warned’ me: Ngko jangan zuli! Sekali aku gedik, ngko tak sangka aku akan jadi camni”. And we dared her to show it to us. And she did! Unbelievable! Thanks Almaz for cheering us up with your ‘gedikness’ when we already lost our mood to talk. It was extremely fun!

I also became the host for our Movie Gala Night. We watched 3 movies in a row which ended up I slept before having the chance to watch the last one. We woke up very late and fortunately, I didn’t have any class at all. But, poor Chuky and Fawwaz. Both of them slept in my chalet and I forgot to wake them up. We were so tired!

Last week too, I learned how to play one game from Afiq Anuar@Kiasu. It was plant vs zombie. I just could not explain to you how addicted I was! The game was not as fun as CS or DOTA, but it was very addictive! I didn’t do my homework during the final week because I was very preoccupied playing that game and watching movies! You will not believe me if I tell you that I watched 2 movies every night during the final week! But, I still manage to complete my Chemistry assignment. Huhu.

I still have a lot of things to write but I’m so tired right now. I need to get my Chemistry essay done. Let the pictures tell you how enjoyable the whole semester was!! Thank you everyone!!!

during the weekend

makan-makan during movie night

end of semester dinner

BNM orientation program at Kompleks Peranginan BNM Port Dickson

posing first before it got rained

i.heart.raya

2009-09-24T05:31:00.000-07:00

Theme : Glowing Purple

Location : Home Sweet Home ( Kedah)

Title : Video Malam Raya

Location : Bazaar Raya di Kedah

fikirkanlah....

Raya disambut sekali setiap tahun. Raya sepatutnya menjadi bulan kemaafan. Jadi, bolehkah Raya menjadi sesuatu yang bosan sepertimana segelintir dari kita fikirkan? Adakah bosan untuk memohon maaf sesama muslim ? Sambutlah raya dengan hati yang ikhlas dan bersih.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Maaf Zahir dan Batin

Days before Raya

2009-09-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

Alethea's birthday

Buka puasa with Azman, Harin and Alifah

Movie night

Buka puasa with Eju, Anati and Amin

It’s the month full of blessings. I’ve made a promise to myself to make full use of this month; gaining blessings and seeking goodness from Him. Sometimes, I need time to reflect myself; what I have done so far in this world. Sometimes too, I’m not so sure whether what I do is right or wrong. Is this what we call as soul searching? Mmm. I just don’t know. I just try to understand it; hoping that one day I can find the answer. In less than one week we are going to celebrate Raya and I’m also looking forward for Lailatul Qadar. I always pray that Ramadhan will be the turning point in my life. True enough, Raya has always been the day that we are waiting for especially for young people. But come to think of it again, you start to realise the excitement to celebrate Raya will no longer be like yesteryears. As you grow older, you really wish to turn the clock back, to become a kid back and celebrate Raya the way we always used to celebrate it. Again, it’s something impossible and you just need to accept who you are right now.

My parents are going to go back to Pahang and I’m not going to follow them. I really want to celebrate raya with my grandma in Kedah, because she is the one who takes care of me since I was young. I spent most of my time with her as for me, she’s the best grandma you can have. There was one time (last year to be exact) when I didn’t celebrate Raya with her and I felt very guilty. Usually, we will go back to Pahang on the second raya. I just do not want to repeat the same mistake again.

I went out with my friends, Alifah, Harinn and Azman to break our fast outside the college. It was fun, and I really mean it. Breaking fast together and seeing how Azman was about to be hit by a car :-) were something that I will never forget. A week after that, I went out breaking fast with Amin, Eju and Anati. It was fun either as that was my first time in life breaking fast at mamak’s stall. Amin was still kempunan tak dapat buka puasa kat KFC.

I did the cup cakes request together with my team for our fund raising. It was very tiring because that was our first time managing 450 cup cakes all together. We managed the cup cake request until the café worker chased away. Hahaha.. thank God, we managed to make lots of profit and insya-Allah, our house trip will not be at plaza tol lembah beringin. ( no promise ok?)

Alethea’s birthday party was also fun.. Thanks kak sarah n mandor for the cake and Alethea cried, for her that was her best party ever. Hahahha.

I also learnt something priceless in KYUEM, that there are many types of people.W hat do you think if you do something to this particular person, and this person never appreciates it?. Mm… whatever.. malas nak fikir.

I had my math, physics and chem test before holiday. So far so good but I’m still not satisfied with the marks.

Some people advised me, relaks lah Zulikhwan. Baru first time.

Aiyo.. Mana boleh relaks lar . nanti takut x sempat catch up. I need to double up my work. It’s very hard right now to get a place for medicine in the UK. So, I really need to work hard. I really hope I can make it to the UK..

Salam Ramadhan,

Zulikhwan

p/s : x tahu kenapa tangan aku gatal tulis panjang kali nie and cam nak nangis jer tulis nie.. terharu sebab apa ek?? Hahah.. nie pasti sebab ngada2..hahahaha...

Blogging from KYUEM

2009-08-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

Let’s see. Since 1 month ago, this is my first posting from KYUEM. It’s not because of laziness, but because of poor internet connection I have in KYUEM. Lots of things happened in just a month but so far so good.
i. Went back to koleq with Abang Raf, Fendy and Fido. I truly had fun there
ii. The college was attacked by a seasonal mild flu.
iii. Enjoyed the Garnet Welcoming Dinner and also the ‘cheer’ plus the ‘Penyucian Dosa’ .
iv. Went crazy during Maths n Biology classes with my wonderful classmates. ( being speechless during the biology class.. Sang a few songs with Alia and Aliffah during maths and debated with Sara over the liquid paper)
v. Had MoU with Sara to make Fido jealous which ended up he didn’t understand it.
vi. Had MoU with the future president of MUSCOM to put me at least in Syukbah Multimedia 
vii. Came out with new words n vocabs during English class.
viii. Ate at the cafe
ix. Joined the Indian dance for the Cultural performance.
x. Cracked my head during Chemistry.
xi. Went to Tanjung Malim for the first time with Amin, Harinn and Azman.
xii. Disturbed Alifah and smiled at her – hepi bila tgok muka blurr nyer sebab tak paham
xiii. So, what else?.. Mmm.. Gossiping ( as always) with Ashee for trying to be Mrs. Ford’s pet student. Harinn and Luqman tried to join the team but they are so innocent.. tak paham satu apa pown.

I really love KYUEM for now.. and Im so crazy enjoying myself + studying!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting over a new chapter !!

2009-07-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

I know when I first step in to KYUEM, I will embark on a new chapter in my life . Things are different right now. I’ve met lots of new friends, new teachers and I'm also in a new environment right now. I'm currently a part of Garnet family @ Garnetor (not Garnetron ok :-) ). Here in KYUEM, everyone has to be independent. There was one time when a senior told us, in KYUEM, the only entertainment that we have is one another and it seems that what he said is right (unless you have misunderstood it). KYUEM is located in Lembah Beringin, an isolated place where you can find no grocery shop at all. I’m doing my A-levels here, taking up 4 subjects of my choice.

My life here is KYUEM is good for now. We have a week of induction program with full of activities. We also organized Batch Anniversary for Batch 11 and it was a success for all of us, the batch 12. This is something unique about KYUEM where it’s not just a place to get good A-Levels results but also a place that teach you to be a human, not just an ordinary person, but a person who can bring 1001 changes to the whole world. They also have this so called red letter day ( and until now, i havent received letters from my pet bro and pet sis :-))

But of course, I still miss my friends in MCKK, Rashad, Fido, Fendy and Yuyu to name a few. Right now, we all have chosen different paths with different things to be done in our life. Fido is in Taylors right now, Yuyu in Teikyo Institute, fendy in Help University and Rashad is in UiTM doing CAT. But, there is always something that we will never forget, the bond that each and everyone of us share. The bond that cannot be told in a single word. We are taught, by nature, to provide shoulder when someone is crying. We are being taught to share the burden together. This is the thing that we will never forget till the rest of our lives.

Pakat Mai Kedah!

2009-07-06T23:01:00.001-07:00

Next week before I start my whole new chapter in KYUEM, my parents have decided to do a ' Majlis Kesyukuran dan Bacaan Yaasin'. For me, this is just a simple yardstick to show how thankful I am for everything happened for the past 7 months. Let's recapitulate what has happened.

1. I'm so thankful to God for giving me such long and amazing months of holidays. At least I have adequate time to spend with my family especially with Lily.
2. Thank God for giving me such like these achivements so far. It all startsed with getting straight A1s in all the 10 subjects I took for SPM, continued with Kijang Emas Bank Negara and finally SBP Full Colours Award. What else can I say except for bersyukur. terima kasih ya Allah. Alhamdulillah. I guess this is a test given by God to see wether that particular person can maximise the opportunity he has with humility and without being arrogant along the way
3. The biggest gift from God, of course my sister, Lily. When she was in the hospital, it was a 50-50 condition, and all the doctors lost hope during that moment. However, I guess God has a better plan for her and she recovers very fast after being put under ICU for 38 days.
4. Thank God too for giving such wonderful friends so far. What else can I say rather than being thankful for having Rashad, Fido, Fendy n Yuyu or even my old boys, Abg Raf, Abg Izzat and the rest of other old boys. Giving wonderful advices and helping me to stand up whenever i'm at the lowest point of my life
5. I've gained 14kgs so far. For some, this is just a burden but I'm so thankful for at least, I have enjoyed all of my mom's cook without being worried about my weight :-)

So, I would like to invite all of my friends, teachers, readers to my house for the event. I'm waiting you here!!!!!!!!!!!!!This is the biggest 'Majlis Kesyukuran' done by my family so far because it's like wedding ceremony. The invitation card above is for all of you. Muah. Love you so much!

Journey to the South!!!!

2009-06-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

At 8.30 pm on last Thursday, my mom received a call from grandpa in KL telling that my uncle passed away a few minutes ago. It was a sudden for us to hear that news and nothing could be done when tears started to flow. My mom cried because he was her closest brother and I knew how she felt during that moment.My uncle died due to leukemia, a disease that we never expected him to get it, at Ampang Puteri Specialist Centre. ust imagine, it was like yesterday he teased me but today, he died. He was a very active guy physically, spending more than an hour working out in the gym but suddenly, he was sent to the hospital for having leukemia.If I'm not mistaken, he was diagnosed with leukemia 3 weeks ago but we never expected him to leave us. he was the Manager of FELDA Plantation and maybe his work contributed to this illness as he was exposed to many chemicals while doing daily inspection at the farm. He passed away around 8am on 25th June 2009 at Ampang Puteri Specialist Centre, leaving a wife and 5 small children. May Allah bless him. I just cannot stop thinking of his kids, losing such a great dad at a very young age. That's the reason why I didn't attend my school's Speech Day. By the way, kudos to P-jol for grabbing the scholar of the year :-). But what I'm trying to say right now is that death can take place anywhere, anytime no matter how healthy that person is. A couple of days ago, Michael Jackson @ Mikael passed away and until now, his fans are still crying. And i'm still thinking, am I ready to leave this world? If it happens I die after typing this, will i be in heaven? How about all of my sins before this?. Will Allah forgive me? Is this what people call as soul searching of whatever it is?.Mmm.. i just leave this question mingling in my mind, hoping that one day, I will find the answer. I just leave it to Allah to judge it but I do hope I'm doing the right thing while I can still feel the air. So, we went back to Segamat directly after hearing that news and I could see all of my aunties and uncles were very sad, hoping that they would have spent more time with him as he was a very nice brother and he remains the best uncle ever!!

KYUEM

M.J

After 5 days in Segamat, I went back home today (29th June 2009) and I directly set in front of my computer to type this. On my way back to Alor Setar, I asked my parents to stop at KYUEM, just to check the college. The first impression when I heard 'Lembah Beringin' I feel quite uncomfortable as the name itself gives a different feeling to me.'Beringin'.. mm.. sounds like a haunted place. Putting all of my perspectives on the college aside, i went there with my family. my father drove passing the toll plaza and I could feel how 'beringin' that place is. To tell you the truth, there's no one around the place, just full of empty houses. I didn't see any car passing us. My brother, Ameen told me that I'm going to study with ghosts and I kinda agree with him.hehehe.. Lembah Beringin is a very quite place and I really mean it. Frankly speaking, I never expected an A-levels college to be like that. I mean, it's very quiet and there's no shop at all!. After 3 km of driving, we finally arrive at the college. What else can I say?. Wow!!!! It's a very beautiful college located in its very own campus. then, I went into the college and stopped near the students' service department. I talked to a clerk there and she told me that Bank Negara doesn't give the list yet.They only booked 10 places. I told her I just wanted to walk around to check the college. The clerk said that I could walk around but she didn't allow me to have a look inside the chalet where I'm going to stay. She only told me that there will be 4 rooms in a chalet with 2 attached bathrooms and one room per person. So, i just walked around and my parents told me that it's a very great place to study as there's no distraction at all. I did agree with them. it's just my mom who kept on complaining that I'm going to die there! (;-)). I don't mind if that place is so,so isolated as long as I can get great results and it's good for my personality upbringing, then everything will be fine for me. Not having any near shop is not a big deal for me. What I can say right now is that I'm so eager to be there. I just cannot wait. KYUEM, here I come and that's the end of my jouney to the south!

Things I did in a week!!!

2009-06-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

Ok.. This was my entire schedule for the last week!

6.34 a.m
-Woke up.. Subuh Prayer and i slept back!

11.00 a.m
-Woke up again and had my BREAKFAST!
-TV and internet (sometimes i went to PDK- my sister's school and be there till 12. I become a volunteer there. Its very fun to see those special kids learn something . There's an emotional touch when you some some of them are being ignored by the families.That's true not a joke because once you know them, you will eventually learn the value of it which I just cannot describe it in words)

Some of the activities there.. they are also being taught how to sim

1.30 p.m
- Took my brother from the school and had my lunch with my grandma!

2.30 p.m
- Sent back my brother for the 2nd session of schooling! Again... TV and internet

5.00 p.m
- Gossip time with my mom! or playing badminton (but, i look still the same )

6.00 p.m
- Pasar Malam or Movie Time ( went to the cinema )

7.00 p.m
- The biggest Loser on Hallmark channel ( ulangan lol)

8.00 p.m
- Dinner, TV and internet

2.00 a.m
- Ok.. Time to sleep..

Argh.. I guess i will have the same routine next week!. I still have one month before I start my a-level in KYUEM. I also received an offer from JPA to go to Ireland. Doing a-level in INTEC. I think I have enough holidays by now. I will be in my school back next week for the Speech Day. right now I'm trying to plan something that can make me use my brain !!!!

my Updates!

2009-06-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

Receiving the award from Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin

The recipients.

With the boys during the award ceremony

Mom and kakak, Mieza. My dad didnt want to attend the dinner because he didnt like formal event like this..Huhu ( But i guess dia anti Muhyiddin kowt.Hahahahaha)

The lucky boys and girls

Just come back from Kuantan 2 days ago, visiting my uncle and I sat directly in front of my computer to post this. 5 things happened in less than a week. I don't wish to write this long, just as simple as possible because I am not in the mood to write this post.

Ok, First PPM. BI team. They lost to STF but from what Rashad told me, they should have won the debate. I was neither sad nor happy for the loss , because I know they had done their best. I know they had put all they could to win the debate. Maybe it's not their time yet, because their time will come soon. I could see disappointment in their eyes when I met them during the Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang. Had enough time chatting with them and how they felt about losing. I always tell them, you have to put your trust in HIM, because He will show you the path. You just have to wait and see Insya-Allah, you can make a difference to the world. they still have another year to prove it to us. For BM team, they made it to the quarter and lost. I guess Aqwa and Nash would cry as it was their last debate. Just want to give credits to these people including the BI team. Looking at their promises, I know they will try to improve themselves (well, they already improved their skills and performance. What else you expect from them?).Basketball team, for the first time in 5 years, they did not make it to the knock out round. It was very surprising to see the champion for 5 consecutive years lost this time around. But again, there must be a reason behind it.

Next, I received a call from SBP Management Division that I received the full colours award. Surprising right? because i never expected to get it. So, the ceremony was held at Putrajaya International Convention Centre and I went there with my parents.

Third, my uncle has a lung disease so he had to undergo an operation at Ampang Puteri Specialist Centre. I went visiting him before I went to Putrajaya.

After the ceremony, I directly went back to Kuantan because my mother's brother had leukimia. It was very critical and my mom wanted to go back as soon as possible because she was quite afraid if she never has the chance to meet him anymore. My mom loves her brother as much as she loves her family.

Ok. Just want to share another thing. First time in my life, I watched 2 movies straight in a day with my sister. After we came back from Kuantan, I went to the cinema, yesterday,with my sister, Mieza. We watched terminator Salvation and then, Jangan Pandang belakang Congkak. Crazy, right? Spending 4 hours of watching movie.huhuhu. Thanks to my sister's friend, for giving us two free tickets for Terminator and my sister had to buy two other tickets for JPBC because she had promised to treat me. So, i told her, why not we watched another movie. then, she agreed. ( Nasib baik dia tak ada boyfriend lagi. Kalau tak...hahhahahaha). So, both movies were ok-lah. but, i did expect more from Terminator and it looked like my sister really enjoyed it.

Terminator Salvation ( i didnt like the movie. Sorryy but my sister really had a good time watching it.)

(Mmm.. Ok Lah)

ok, that's it. All of my updates. Insya-allah, my blog will be kept updated. Hahahahahaha.... This is the journey of my soul and my life. This is my lifestyle story (ala2 kimora pulak ;-p)

p/s : oh shit! First time trying to upload video using blogger video.. Lambat giler. So, i just cancelled the upload lah. Malas nak tunggu. the video was on the award ceremony. It was in Berita RTM and there was also my picture receiving the award. Huhuhu

This is what will happen if.....

2009-05-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

This is what will happen if you stay at home for a very long time.. A very boring week.. Don't have anything to say and I'm quite lazy to post anything actually... Mmm.. But, I've promised to upload a few photos and here are some of the photos

with Shaheer and Fauuuuzan

Ed and the b*****s

The coaches... ( not in pic : Aslam, Fido, Abg Izat n Abg Rough)

Fendy and Rashad

With the first three

Fauzan, Adam and Shaheer

My sister's birthday party (party ka??)

3 budak gemok yang masih ada di rumah

Waiting for the flight..

With Kakak, Tok n Amin during the holiday

Debate and 2 birthday ParTieS!!!!!

2009-04-30T07:38:00.001-07:00

It had been a week full of many surprising things... First, on 24th April , it was a day of my sister's n grandma's birthday.. So, we celebrated at the house..my sister is 13 right now and i wish if i could change the world, the first thing is to turn the clock back because my time to be with her will get shorter right now.. She will leave me soon.... this is also the 71st birthday of my granma.. She's quite old right now but still strong and the only thing she wants to see is to see me as a successful person and she also wishes to be with me until i become a cardiologist.. Another party would be nash's birthday party and we celebrated it in uia...

Next day, I went to UIA together with fendy... We made a move from Butterworth to UIA around 1... We stayed at Abg Raf's Kyoto Garden... Thanks Abg Raf for everything.. Just cannot forget your Jemput-jemput.. hahah.. After this we cannot'pow' abg raf ...

About UIA? MMmmm... they lost... English 1st team lost at octo-final against SMK Green Road... 2nd team did not make it to the knock-out round... For BM,.... 1st team lost at double octo and 2nd team won 3 debates at the 1st round

I think although the BI team didnt make it to the final, they made a great achievement in the eyes of old boys.. That was the first time I saw fauzan and Adam cried and it touched my heart ( of course lah shahir nangis gak)..

Personally i think, they had achieved more than what I expected from them... Let the pictures tell you how great they are in my eyes... I will upload the photos later after I come back from Langkawi..

Fauzan : you have become more matured and it's very surprising to see you, a small boy, become a macho boy..

Shahir : You are more confident right now and I believe you can overcome anything along your way to success in your own 'gedik' way

Adam : I'm very proud of you.. You become a more humble guy and i just cannot imagine how good you are..

Second tea( Butat, Huzaimi, Mia, Syazwan + Safuan) : you made a very great job and maybe you were not lucky but trust me, you guys have improved a lot.

I hope to see you guys again during PPM

the Kijang's Story

2009-04-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well, i don't really wish to write this long. I just want you to see some of the pictures. Maybe many will ask, why it's Kijang's story? It's simply because everything is all about Kijang in Bank Negara. We stayed at their clubhouse, Lanai KIJANG, i got KIJANG emas award, we walked around Sasana KIJANG and the event was at Bilik KIJANG. So, everything is about Kijang. HAHAHAHA

The quiet Ho, the caring Alifah, the smart-looking Munes and the huha2 boy, Zulikhwan ;-p

With Kak Alia, my 'sister' at Bank Negara...

Lanai Kijang, a great place to be... Give it 6 stars.hahahaa

receiving the award from the Governor

All the scholars including Madihah, the wonderful girl... Where's Ho?

So, that is it. It's time to study right now. But, there is still a dilemma, where to do my A-Level?. Mmm.. No more time to enjoy but still stay focus.

it's time to change the WORLD!!!

2009-04-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

I was watching Akademi Fantasia (ulangan) when I received a call from Bank Negara..

Assalamualaikum... boleh cakap dengan adik Zulikhwan

Ye saya..... Kenapa?

Saya Cik A****a dari Bank Negara.. Tahniah! Adik telah mendapat biasiswa kijang emas Bank Negara..

What? I was totally shocked at that time. Speechless!! What else can I say.. Alhamdullilah....

So, Im going to KL with my parents tomorrow.Bank Negara has booked a flight for us from Alor Setar all the way to KLIA.... It's a trip sponsored by Bank Negara.. So, that's it. I'm going to be a doctor and my aim is to go to Cambridge"""Oh lalalala....

Zulikhwan.....Now...

Future Dr. Zulikhwan.. Hahahaha... Im bold at the age of 27???Just kidding...

HectiC wEEk!!!!

2009-04-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

I think it's not too late for me to come out with this. I mean the week has been very busy for me. It started with the career exposure program, then continued with JPA interview. After i checked my name, I went to INTAN Wilayah Utara for the interview. It was fine for me. I was in the group together with 2 chinese guys and one budak kacukan. Two of us want to be doctors, one for dentistry and another boy for pharmacy. The interview was ok although I was the last person to arrive there. It was a 45-minute group discussion and we got a few topics to be discussed. What could I say is that JPA interview is juat a normal interview. For future candidates, I hope you would be able to know your course very well. I think the one who will get the scholarship is not accessed based on interview, but mostly on your results and co-curriculum. It's simply because you cannot judge 17000+++ candidates from different states using one interview only. It's totally unfair. And how come you want to diffentiate one candidate from one state to another if the interview place is defferent. Mmmm... very weird...So i just hope to get a scholarship for medicine. the result will be annouced in 1 month time.... hahahaha.. Please pray for me..

After I went back home, I slept until 7.00 pm because I was too tired. Suddenly, I received a call from Bank Negara. My mom answered the call. " Zulikhwan tengah tidur"."Minta maaf, saya dari bank negara dan saya perlu bercakap dengan Zulikhwan Ayub". hahahaa... First impression was too bad. She told me I got and interview for Kijang Emas Bank Negara. This is a special scholarship awarded to top students in SPM whereby I can choose the course and the country I want to go. So, i decided to do medicine in the UK. I went to KL with my sister. the interview was not like a normal one because it was one-to-one interview only and the interview was ok for me and I really hope i would be able to get scholarship for medicine because being a doctor is always my dream since i was young. For me all of the interviews were ok and I went to 4 interviews, JPA, MNRB, Bank Negara and Exxon Mobilo. I think what you need to prepare is to be yourself. Just relax and shoot.

After this scholarship-mania, I went back to koleq for the training. For me the boys were good and they have improved. Shahir becomes more gedik, Adam is getting sharper and Fauzan is getting more cute!!! hahaha no lah. He's becoming much better in terms of clarifying caseline. But one thing, Shahir's size has been increasing. Shahir, you should lose more lemak and Adam , you should use facial wash lah..

I was there with Yuhaikal, before Rashad came to join us around 5 pm and Abg Rough and Nabbitch the next day. I was walking with Yuhaikal and suddenly, Cg. Ridwan called me.

Awak apa khabar... Saya sihat cikgu......Saya perlukan pertolongan awak. saya nak calonkan awak untuk full colour sbp. tolong isikan borang ini.....Baik cikgu..

Hahaha.. I was totally shocked. It is never in my mind to be given this opportunity. It's a big honour for me. So again, i really hope to get it because for me once you get the chance, don't let it go. Many people want it so you cannot screw it. So, i started to fill in the form. Then, i walked with Yuhaikal around the school and I looked at the board. There was my name there. Oh my God!!! my ranking in SBP was 158 over 8+++... I was so glad to hear that. SO, bersyukur ke hadrat Allah sekali lagi.

For me, the week was very busy for me and I wish to update each and every single thing. most of my friends go to scholarship interviews, struggling with the IQ test and things like that but for me, because i really want to do medicine, so I just fill in the forms for scholarships that offer medicine only. I have to be focus. I don't want to be like my other friends, they don't know what to do in their life, so they started to fill in everything.. from medicine to accounting to engineering. haiya>>>>>> good Luck lah ye!!!!

I think that all for now. I'm watching Anugerah Bintang Popular right now. Bye.

Program Pendedahan Awal Kerjaya Seorang Doktor : a simple program yet meaningful

2009-03-26T07:01:00.001-07:00

Program Pendedahan Awal Kerjaya Seorang Doktor.Mmm.. How should I say it. Very fun-lah… What else? You will see everything in real. So, here is my complete report with a few medical terms I’ve learnt throughout the program.

Day 1
I’m feeling very tired today after hearing a whole day of talks from a few doctors… it was about career as a doctor, the challenges and things like that… Was’nt in the mood to write but I’ve promised to myself to update each and every single thing.. So the day started with a talk by Dr. Sobariah and continued by a tour around the hospital. I just can’t wait for tomorrow because we will start our so called career exposure with Emergency Department first.. Wait for tomorrow…. Ok… Bye

Day 2
The most exciting day of all. My first posting was ED or Emergency Department. The day started very good with a show on baby delivery. Then, we were divided into a few groups and my first place was Red Zone or Resus Zone. It’s an emergency zone and there was an old lady with asthma problem. There were a few normal cases at yellow zone, green zone, asthma bay, procedure and ambulance and a few other places but those places are extremely busy until the doctors don’t really have time for us and most of the procedures are done by MA. So, the MOs are just having their sweet time looking around. (oh, forgot, MA is medical assistant and MO is doctor or medical officer). But, everything changed during the afternoon session because our next posting was secondary. This place is located in green zone and we saw a man who LOST HIS FINGER. He was a mechanic so when he wanted to repair the turbo engine, the fan started to move and he forgot that his finger was there. So, you just imagine the situation lah.. Next case was an OKU who put something in his ear and the MA took it out. It was a small fruit. There was also a lady with appendix and a boy with bleeding mouth (because of a motorcycle accident). He got a few jahitan and the most interesting part, the jahitan was not like normal sewing and the needle was like a C letter. There were also a few other cases and all of them were interesting for us because it was our first experience to see all of the cases. The worst case would be a man with the RADIUS coming out of his hand, so it was a nightmare for us. (just couldn’t sleep that night thinking of his hand). I learnt a few medical term terms like oral MAKSILLOFACIAL unit (a dental unit actually, but to make it more glamour, the use that term) and a few other weird terms.

Day 3
Fendy sms me saying that he got the interview (congratz to him) but I wasn’t have time to check my name because I was already at the hospital. So, for the whole day I was quite worried, afraid that my name wasn’t in the list. Most of my friends in the program got the interview and the situation was quite havoc as everybody started to talk on the same thing, INTERVIEW!!!
Next posting was Orthopedic Clinic. Nothing much because everything was related to bones. There were a few wards and most of them were normal wards. There was this lady with an iron in her leg.
Nest posting ( the most TRILLING place) was FORENSIC UNIT. We went to the Bilik Mayat and everybody started to talk about the bilik mayat. After a few minutes, an officer brought us into the room. It was a small room with a few cubicles and the temperature dropped until 8c inside the cubicles and we had the chance to see a REAL DEAD BODY. Wow!!! We were not so sure with the cause of death because a police was very busy taking a few pictures of him. The officer showed a few other places like the bathing room and the day ended well as everything was interesting in the Forensic Unit. Words of the day, ozh (not so sure about the spelling but that is how it sounds lah) and medico-legal (means police case)
I checked my name directly after I went back home and thank God, my name was in the list. The JPA interview will be on 31st March at INTAN Wilayah Utara. Only four of my friends in the program didn’t have their names in the list but the passion to become doctors never faded.

Day 4
Our last day and everybody couldn’t wait for the closing ceremony. Hahahaa…The last posting was ONG Specialist Clinic and it’s the main clinic for Perlis, Kedah, Penang and Perak (Northern Zone). So, just imagine how busy it was. We went to the Labor Room (Baby Delivery Room), 2A, 2B, 2C, 2D and clinic. A few other medical terms like oncology, and urokology. We saw a few delivery problems and gyne-related things. It was fun (of course lah because if not, I would not come to the hospital).
Last session would be the closing ceremony and we all got the certificates. I went back home and slept until 8.30 a.m. when finally I realized I didn’t pray yet. So, qado lah.. Hahaha..

After the program, I realize one thing, being a doctor is not merely about being glamour or whatsoever it is. It’s a noble career in which they give more than they take from the community. A houseman may work for 48 hours (non-stop) until he has no time to bath. So for me, the salary of a doctor is not enough in comparison with the sacrifice they had made. But that is what we call DOCTOR lah, must be very tough..(tough ke aku – hehehe).
The program pendedahan awal kerjaya seorang doktor was a complete whole new experience for me and I just cannot wait to have another program like this. Hope I would be able to get a JPA scholarship.

PROGRAM PENDEDAHAN KERJAYA SEORANG DOKTOR

2009-03-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

i just log on to the JPA website and thank God I get the offer of program pendedahan kerjaya seorang doktor from 23rd-27th March 2009 at Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah...

Going to have fun there !! yahoo

aku bersyukur sekali lagi ya ALLAH.....

2009-03-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

alhamdullilllah.. sekali lagi saya bersyukur because my sister is no longer at the hospital.. the doctor allows her to go back home after being in icu for 36 DAYS.... alhamdullillahh... berkat yassin from my family......... she's getting better ryte now.. thanks to all people yang tak jemu-jemu bertanya pasal dia i.e all old boys , my friends, relatives, and teachers....